New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Christ she sounds like she’s got the hide of a rhino! I’m with you OP. Bugger anyone telling you’re rude, or you should soften your words or think of her mental health blah blah. She’s not doing that for you is she? Tell DH like it is and don’t be manipulated into thinking you’ve done something wrong. You gave her the softly softly and she just ignored you!

This isn’t normal behaviour. Why would she even want to be in someone else’s home for so many hours a day unless there was a serious issue at her own home? Maybe abusive partner, no food, no electric or something. Fuck knows. But you don’t owe it to her to be her knight in shining armour. Your dh really needs to know what’s been going on so he’s got the full picture.

this. I am kind of surprised that your husband wasn't aware until the shit hit the fan though.

She was told “I am busy please do not visit today” then read the message but turned up anyway and was asked to leave. What is there to be shaken up about?

If you received that text message - something say they are too busy for a visit, would you show up anyway? And then be “shaken up” when told to leave because the person is actually just?

Are you her?

Why not show this thread to your DH? Maybe then he'd get it.

Good point over invite! But some people it's best to nip things in the bud as soon as get entitlement vibes...

Why on earth would she want this boundary bulldozing cheeky fucker in her life anymore? OP said "so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up"

And OP has done absolutely nothing to apologise for, so that's a definite no.

Oh, I see the neighbour with the baby's got a Mumsnet login....

Nope.

And if you do this sort of thing yourself, stop it.

You did nothing wrong.

I’m with you on this op.

She’s clearly a weirdo and I’d be very cross with your husband, in your shoes.

Yeah I'm upset with my DH, this is the main point of my post although I got round to it in a long-winded way.

He has ADHD and it's sometimes too hard to get him to focus on what I'm saying if he's distracted. When he's like that I don't bother frustrating myself trying to force it, he can't help it. So it's entirely feasible I didn't talk to him about this particular annoyance.

We are also both busy and have a lot going on generally. We like to grab a bit of time together in the evening after kids are down before I go to bed early.

So I am guessing that I didn't bother speaking to him about this, I had a short moan about it to a separate friend and that was it.

My DH is very friendly and hospitable. I know for an absolute fact that if I'd even say down on the couch to ask her why she called over he would have been making tea and cuddling the baby. It would have been an hour's visit. I wanted to stop it before it started. But for him yes it would have come out of nowhere.

I don't know why we walk her home - it seems nice I guess as she's managing all the baby paraphernalia. It's only a few doors but it's dark out there. I know I would appreciate it in her shoes.

She's not attractive looking or young, no. She's severely obese which is why I was helping her with her fitness.

Why should it be on OP to find solutions for her

I'd have told my husband to tell her to go away as he was the one who let her in.

Mind you he'd know that I'd told her not to turn up.

She hasn't been hanging around with the hope of seeing your husband has she?

Why did he walk her home?

@CmNO

OP wasn't rude - she was honest.

Do you often turn up at people's houses when you have explicitly been told not to?

If so, I would suggest that you are the rude one and your friends probably hate you

This latest interaction, with her getting upset, will be a good opportunity to lay it out clearly for her. You could message her to say that much as you didn’t mind supporting her at first, you’ve been finding it really hard with the long visits as you’ve got your own family / home/ work to sort out, and can not host for hours again.
That way, surely she will have to understand!

(although of course you’re under no obligation to explain yourself or contact her again, if you don’t want to!)

And the woman isn't rude?

I think you could have got her to leave in a much more polite way. So I agree with DH on that.

It's a shame it ended up coming to a head like that. But she shouldn't be coming around unannounced. And if you say firmly you've got other things to at x time then she should leave before then.

If you want to keep the friendship I guess try and make amends. Apologize for being so sharp and politely explain you really need her to appreciate your limits and not overstay. And suggest meeting elsewhere. If she refuses then say you are too busy to host at home.

I would also say just be honest with DH about exactly what has been going on, why you reacted the way you did (rightly so) and why you are disappointed in his reaction which put you down, and ask why he doesn’t trust your judgement.

Ask why he doesn’t see the problem with someone coming round when they’ve been asked not to.

And cut ties with this neighbour. She may feel lonely and isolated during mat leave and may have other mental health issues but they are not your problem to solve. If she needs help that badly maybe her HV should refer her to Homestart.

YANBU

Only thing you could've done differently is leave your DH and her to it, since he likes to be sociable. So DH makes tea, they have a chat - and after 4 hours of peaceful work for you in a different part of the house, he most likely knows exactly how she makes you feel!

Because it is explaining and holding her boundary and setting the expectation and tone in black and white in a polite way.

the OP is absolutely not responsible for this women but it would be cruel for that to be their last interaction and then tension going forward considering they live on the same street. Also she is a new Mum and could be depressed or really lonely. Again not the OPs issue but how much does a text like the one above actually cost the OP? An hour and a half every 4/6 weeks?