New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Haven't RTFT but why are you/your husband walking her home if she gets there off her own steam?

That's a bit strange in itself

You're wrong. Op you've done nothing wrong

That's the sort of thing i wish i could do but never had the ball's to. People like this woman are so very rude and entitled, they can see all the polite signs but there own needs are always more important and they believe you exist to serve them. Your DH inthis case did a very foolish thing escorting her home. He has displayed to the woman that you are 'divided'. He should have kept his silence then asked you about whag happened in private but shown a united front when the woman is there.
If she's the kind of woman she sounds like, she probably feels very smug with herself that your DH is annoyed with you on herbehalf. I'd keep an eye on this 'friendship'.

How incredibly disappointing of your DH. He presumably knows you extremely well but is happy to jump to the conclusion that you have been needlessly rude rather than being curious about the backstory.

Its the only thing that works with these people I had an ex friend like this its to much. Its nice to see people, have a catch up but after a couple of hours I'm done and il see you in a month ish

How upsetting for you. I'd find it quite hard to get over that interaction and DH's response.I hope DH will listen to you explaining how stressful this has been and that you wouldn't normally be so abrupt.
This needed to be stopped, but she sounds quite vulnerable. In hindsight it would have been better to say 'Oh, didn't you see my text, I'm busy today, shall I pop round to see you tomorrow?' and next time take be sure that you go round to hers in future so you can leave after half an hour. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Some people just can't be alone and have far to much free time

Your husband walked her home and was "Gone for a while" or your words to that effect. 🤨

Can you imagine if roles were reversed and you left him with the baby to walk his mate home?

WTAF?!

I’ve never understood the need for people to sit chatting in others folks homes for hours on end.
Our NDN, he’s dead now, when he was alive he was visited every Saturday morning by another neighbour. She’d stay for hours meaning he and his wife couldn’t go out. The wife died but still the neighbour went round. After he died the neighbour tried to latch on to us and said ‘oh, I’ll come and keep you company and have a coffee with you’! Not freaking likely Mrs……….I stopped that before it started!
Don't misunderstand me, we would both help neighbours but this cosy chat and endless cuppas is just not what we want!
Sometimes, firmness is the only way to go and I don’t think the OP did anything wrong.

OP has said that she's walked her home prior to this incident

Woman was rude to come over when OP told her not to and all the other times she has ignored OP.

Shaken up? Because after being told not to come round as it wasn't convenient, she decided to come round anyway, and then was told again that it wasn't convenient and she had to leave - and you think she would be 'shaken up' by that?! Christ.

The OP was blunt rather than rude.

How would you handle this situation then?

To answer some questions about this woman -

No I don't want to remain friends with her. While she was in the hobby it was fine that the enquiries went one way between us as I was a facilitator but I have spent a lot of time with her now since she left the hobby and she seemingly has no interest in me as a person.

She could have pnd, an unpleasant or abusive relationship or indeed be feeling lonely. I certainly have offered a listening ear. But she's not isolated. She is from the area (I am not), has a big close family, recently celebrated her birthday with a big party which she told me all about, sees her mum and her sisters every week etc. She goes to a counsellor and has a health visitor. I don't feel responsibility towards her mental health. I supported her with her fitness as that is how we met originally.

I did more than drop hints as they simply didn't work. On the first visit I realised she wasn't responding to me saying things like "ok, well I better look after these children now". I didn't mind as I understand you can feel dazed during those newborn days and she was probably feeling relaxed comfortable and didn't want to move. So I had to say directly "I will need to ask you to leave now, sorry. I'll help you with your stuff and walk you around". I actually had to say it more than once then gather up her stuff and start loading baby into the pushchair and walk her home.

The second, third and fourth time things got progressively worse. I said "I can't spend long chatting today" followed by "I will have to say bye to you both now" but then she completely nonplussed said "no the baby is sleeping, I'm not disturbing him." so just stayed there. I couldn't believe the last time this happened he immediately woke up and then she said "ok let's get you fed" and started taking things out to do it there. I had to stand up, reach for the baby and say "let's get you home" and packed then both up and out.

I do not have time for this. It is minimum four hours each visit coming out of my working day. I have my own business not to mention a family and volunteering responsibilities. I mainly hadn't told DH as when we do get a chance to chat I don't want to waste that time focusing on things that have pissed me off that day. It's often only 40 mins at the end of the day. I get up at 5.30am so go to bed early.

This time, when I saw her message come in I quickly replied (previous two visits I had informed her messages and she showed up) saying "no - don't call over, it's not a good time for me, too busy" I then noted she had read the message and I got into the shower.

I was upstairs sorting out my clothes when DH strolled in with a big smile "your friend and her little baby are here. They're in the living room. I told her you'd be down now."

Yes i can see now how shocked he must have been at my response. I said "you can't be serious" then I went in and asked her why she had called over. She kind of smiled and shrugged and I continued that I had asked her not to call over. He leapt in, apologising to her and telling me off. She stood up

To the first poster who said I was bloody rude: what should I have done?

Totally agree. You (op) tried a few times the nice way. She didn't respond so you had to go that way. DH knew nothing of the 'befores' so was understandably shocked as it was very out of character.

You've done nothing wrong x

Well it's pretty unusual behaviour to come over when you've expressly told her not to 🤔 I think I'd have sat down with her in the lounge and asked her why she's done that - it might be that she is really struggling post partum with anxiety or depression and is afraid to be alone? I'm not saying you're responsible for her but if she's a young mother on her own, I think I'd have wanted to make sure she's alright?

I only say this as a young mum of my acquaintance walked into traffic on the motorway a couple of weeks after giving birth. No-one realised how ill she was and it left people wondering if they missed something and could have done more. Obviously this is a tragedy and uncommon but it has stayed with me. Sometimes a small kindness or encouragement to see the doctor can make a difference.

Your husband probably felt uncomfortable being put in the position of seeing a young mum and baby asked to leave his house - if he didn't have the full picture, I can understand why he was a bit shocked! Hopefully once you've explained, he will realise that she wasn't invited and you'd actually asked her not to come round. I hope she's ok though 😔

It's ok. She didn't honour your wishes about not coming over so you don't have to honour her feelings.

What I will say though is I think she presumes you are much much better friend than you want to be. Perhaps you shouldn't have done all the things you have done with her if you had no interest, been a bit cooler from the beginning. I am not blaming you entirely but some people just can't do social clues.

You did the right and only thing. She’s insane to keep showing up and refusing to leave! Having a baby doesn’t mitigate her outrageous behaviour. Hopefully she’s finally got the fucking hint and will find an alternative human support system. Hopefully it’s not your gullible husband…

How odd that your husband's white knighting for her when he's told you off about your people pleasing. She might be setting him up to be her new friend. Watch out for her, she's giving weird vibes just reading about the long overstays and clinging.

Talk to him about this. It sounds like she's possibly lied to him about you.

I don't blame you at all for being blunt with her. She was extremely rude coming over when you told her directly not to. Boundaries are your friend.

By having firm boundaries with someone who was told not to come over?

It's super odd, and clearly a big fuck you to the OP. I get the feeling he's a gaslighting arsehole who likes keeping the OP off balance and under the thumb.

He's not gullible, he just saw a chance to put the OP down and embarrass her.

Men rarely give their time, attention and care to women unless they're young and attractive, or it's their mum - and they often don't bother with their mum. If the cheeky fucker woman had been 20 stone and 50 years old he wouldn't even have noticed the altercation. And he definitely wouldn't have walked her home.

I would follow this up with a text to her ASAP

”sorry that I was so blunt earlier. I have found the last few visits too long to work with my family and responsibilities. I enjoy having you round for coffee and a chat but it needs to also work for me and that means an hour and a half max. Also I felt you ignored me when I said I was too busy today and you came round anyway. Please do not do this again”

If this new mum thinks OP is such a good friend, why didn't she invite OP to her recent big birthday party? Which she then told OP all about during one interminable visit.

She has family and friends close by, she's not at all isolated.

If I was OP I would be cutting this off completely now.