New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

As someone who is horrific lonely, I feel for this person. To ge honest, your lack of boundaries at the start has blurred the lines. Why did you go swimming with her regularly when you don't like swimming? I think this then caused you to be bored with her but maybe clarity at the beginning would have helped.
You were pretty awful to her tbh although she shouldn't have overstayed her welcome as much as she did.

Can you ask to have a serious chat with him and lay out that you felt disappointed and let down when he didn’t have your back? He knows, and often gets on your case about being a pushover and now this women has pushed and pushed taking hours out of your week and when you finally hit your limit and established firm boundaries your husband crapped on you too, instead of bolstering you and reminding you you did the right thing?

I think you’ve done the right thing too: you’ve tried to hint, and that’s not working so time for some bluntness

Unfortunately being polite doesnt work with some people. Just explain to your husband and hopefully he understands. Probably he was surprised as he had no context. If he doesn’t get it ask him if he like to sit and chat for hours with her and use up his time - or perhaps suggest that you sit and chat with her while he picks up all the jobs you do.

Why did he need to walk them home?

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing.
I had a friend like that a few years back when mine were little. She would invite herself for coffee in the morning and end up staying the whole day.
It does get too much and you have to think about your own well-being.

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

She'll be setting her sights on him next.

I had a pushy neighbour who adopted me as a "friend" and PA after I did a good deed and helped her with a benefit form. She knew I worked at home 2/3 days a week and used to come round and stay for hours. When she had gone I had lost an afternoon and the work still needed to be done. Eventually I told her a pack of lies that the university had changed its policy and required all the staff to come into the office. So then she began to come around early evening with the same results.

One day she arrived while my nephew was here. He answered the door. He told her very tersely that she was not to come around without texting first and seeking permission. He told her "My aunt is a working person not an old folks home for you to doss in". That did the trick. She did phone a couple of times and I told her my nephew was either here or expected. Fortunately she lived in the next street so was not able to see exactly who arrived. I got a ring door bell and stopped opening the door..

She might be lonely and struggling but she is also a cheeky bitch. Point blank refusing to leave when told to go? Smiling and shrugging when asked why she ignored a message telling her not come? She knows she is out of order, she just doesn't care. As to why she wants to sit in OP's house all day when she doesn't like the OP enough to take any interest in her as a person or like her enough to invite her to her birthday party, fuck knows, but it's not the OP's problem.

Blimey. The lack of awareness on this, a parenting forum, that this new mother might be having severe emotional difficulties and/or postpartum depression is staggering.

Bloody hell, @Friendlygingercat , your Nephew is BRUTAL! 😆 Do you hire him out?

She is clearly struggling, which isn’t your problem to solve by taking hours out of your working day.

Instead of being so rude and hostile you could just have said ‘Hi xxx, I’m in The middle of my working day atm which is why I said I wasn’t available. So we’ll have to say goodbye for now - I’ll message you in a few days , byeee”

Then arrange to meet but be clear about boundaries from the outset. “ I have an hour then I need to xxxx” After an hour “OK, it’s been lovely to see you but now I need to xxxx, have a great evening “ , while standing up, clearing away tea mug etc.

And sharing that time ask her how she is and if she is struggling. And then be clear about your own limited capacity to help.

It doesn't mean you can turn up to someone's house and stay as long as you like, whenever you like, especially when they are trying to work. Even therapists chuck you out after an hour.

Can everyone ripping into the OP please bear in mind that she is a mum herself and we all know what its like with a kid of your own and trying to sort a house and someone rocks up uninvited and intends to stay for hours at the worst possible time.

People need to consider that the OP has her own problems and was still willing to help but the unexpected visits pushed her over the edge and despite setting reasonable boundaries and polite requests to go, the visitor ignored her numerous times. I think she was very patient.

She needs to talk to her husband because whilst she didn't handle the actual event well, his immediate response should have been that this was out of the norm for his wife and he should have realised something was amiss before reacting.

OP needs to sit her husband down and explain everything and whilst she appreciates she may not have come off so well in the way she handled it, she is shocked he did not hesitate to see her in the wrong without questioning it.

I would also message the other mum and explain that whilst you had no problems with doing activities together, she had frequently overstepped boundaries and outright ignored the OPs needs and whilst she did not put it as politely as it should have been, the point remains that the young mum totally ignored the OPs refusal of her planned visit.

She needs to understand that she needs to ask and wait for permission , not just send instructions that she is on her way as it may not be convenient. Both are mums and both have a lot on their plate.

Did you miss the bit where OP asked her to leave and she point blank refused as she didn't want to disturb her baby? She has tried to set boundaries by meeting outside, it didn't work. OP has tried being polite, but this woman is ignoring it all. OP also has a life and a family of her own, she has a finite amount of time to give to anybody.

but she told her not to come and on previous occasions hinted very clearly that she is overstaying her welcome.
I think to tell her straight is the only way to get through to her, unfortunately for OP.

It doesn’t make it okay to be so self- absorbed. People need to be aware that they are overstepping boundaries.

One of my friends made a friend like this and she ended up having no choice but to tell her to leave them alone. Yes, it does seem rude, but unless you've been in this situation, you don't realize how awful it is.

This woman would come around as soon as my friend got back from work and stay all evening. She had her own husband and home, plus two children, it was really bizarre.

I spent quite a lot of both my maternity leaves wishing I was dead and I would have never dreamed of turning up at someone’s house when they specifically asked me not to.

That’s nonsense. I have good, long established friendships with people I love. However I don’t even want them turning up invited and spending hours in my house. It’s an abuse of hospitality and shows a real lack of awareness. It’s a shame if she’s lonely but op isn’t responsible

Don't think you did anything wrong in what you said, sometimes it is the only way as harsh as it may be.

However, I get the feeling there could be more to this on her side that you don't know. Does she have a partner? Family? Totally not your place to get involved but it may be she is crying for help and has no where to turn. Perhaps if you wanted you could point her towards some mum and baby groups... Although I totally get why you wouldn't want to initiate more contact.

I had an NCT friend like this. I’d tried to taper off the long days off her sitting in my house for 6 hours at a time. I went back to work after 7 months as DH had been made redundant. I got home after my first long day with 2 hours commuting… to find her in my kitchen. She’d bumped into DH and invited herself and her DH and the kid back for dinner. DH was quite bemused but thought it would be nice as we’d been so close…

She was cut off after that. You have to been completely blunt with some people, anything less is just completely overridden.

This is terrible advice.
I've been in the OP's situation with a neighbour and it's horrible.
Especially when you tell them not to visit and they turn up anyway.
Sometimes you have to be blunt with people, I had to do the same with my neighbour and afterwards the worst possible thing I could have done is send them the above message that you have typed.

OP has done a lot already. You can bet that this woman has already been given a lot of information and suggestions about local activities from people like the health visitor. OP, on the other hand, doesn't have a baby and has rather less access to information about things like mother and baby groups than the neighbour does. So why would it be OP's responsibility to do all the work for her?

This woman was extremely rude turning up when you had expressly told her not to. This scenario would be my idea of hell.
And then you say she’s not interested in you at all and basically spends hours at yours talking only about herself.
I’d say you don’t owe her a thing and your kindness with the lifts has backfired as she sounds lonely. If she only talks about herself all the time that’s understandable unfortunately.

The Op has previously tried that and it didn't work.
On this occasion the neighbour turned up after the OP told her not to.
What would you have said / done?

So would the health visitor. Or her big family she sees.

Don’t put this on OP.