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Relationships

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Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

220 replies

Notadrool · 22/08/2026 18:03

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 24/08/2026 21:54

By keeping it secret, he put his own wants & needs above yours. Simple.

From a feminist standpoint, I think it would be a no from me because so many women so often seem to end up being some kind of support human eventually, so the chances of that happening with a man with this kind of serious condition is higher, and potentially dangerous to you. Maybe it is now, but I wouldn't count on it in future.

It's really shit for the person who has this kind of condition, but again, do you want to be with someone who put their own needs in front of yours like that?

Cheesemaker26 · Yesterday 05:34

He had no moral right to hide this from you. Absolutely none. It absolutely DOES affect you and is a conversation to be had within a few weeks of becoming exclusive and serious with someone.

Don't have children with him. And reconsider the relationship since, schizophrenia aside, you have discovered he is sneaky and a liar.

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:05

dibleydob · 24/08/2026 18:27

So, you are projecting your own experience onto everyone else? You had a particular experience when you were younger, and now you’re assuming that the same thing applies universally? No.

That clearly doesn’t fit the OP’s situation at all. She had already told him about her own mental health issues, which necessarily involved making herself vulnerable and acknowledging the stigma associated with BPD/EUPD. So why on earth would he then assume that she was simply “ignorant” about mental health?

If anything, she had already demonstrated that she understood mental health struggles on a personal level and had trusted him enough to be open about them. Your assertion that she might be* “ignorant” *therefore makes very little sense in the context of what she had actually told him.

No she told him about her SMI which is not schizophrenia. Different SMIs have different reputations and stigma.

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:06

Notadrool · 24/08/2026 21:30

@Limehawkmoth Im still reading so please don’t feel like your words are falling on deaf ears. I hope they aren’t because my decisions aren’t always the best but I’m not as stupid as I used to be.
And I’m very sorry for everything that you went through.

A lot of these people just want this man to get dumped so I really wouldnt listen to them if you've decided to give him another chance. All they want is for a man to feel shitty. They don't care about you at all.

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:08

Limehawkmoth · 24/08/2026 19:12

I will add to this, as it’s a really really important point. Patients with schizophrenia have what is called “Anosognosia”; they aren’t in some sort of denial they’re ill, or that they can’t recognise they’re behaving differently to others…they have absolutely no perception that the distorted version of the world/ people they experience isn’t real. Their version of world is the world. It’s not unusual beliefs…it is the truth to them. If they have paranoia they will also believe that others are ill….or drugs are controlling them etc …it is what makes drug compliance so very difficult with schizophrenia

the antipsychotics are a very large hammer to crack small nuts unfortunately…andI speak as someone who was carer for husband for 10 years on them, and also worked in manufacturing the same drugs. The side effects cumulate over time ( weight gain, increased risk of diabetes, numbing emotions, increasing apathy) , even on lower doses. Frankly on the face of it patients often “feel” better without them. My husband sort of “woke up” when he stopped.. But, without them psychosis is a whisper away ( literally if they hear voices). That can escalte into full blown crisis. My now exh waking was accompanied by increased voices, delusions and unpredictable behaviour. Hence why he is exh. His choice to stop taking them, my choice to walk away from a 30 year marriage. I didn’t want to return to first 10 years of his illness when it wasn’t diagnosed.

the issue here is standard “care in community “ is effectively “ drug and dump”..a lot of patients are only seen annually by psychologist, relatives or partners or friends get sucked into acting as CPN and 24/7/365 carers. Until the patient stops meds, they go into crisis, mental health teams step up for a few weeks, they go back onto meds and rinse and repeat.

I would be asking to read his care plan and see the latest prescription for antipsychotics or walking away unfortunately.

but then I am now older and wiser having lived with someone with this for 20 years of 30 year marriage. Hope gets snuffed out eventually. It is a shitty disease. It effects the patient who doesn’t know it, and it effects everyone that cares for them/loves them

Everyone with schizophrenia has this, do they?

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:08

Notadrool · 24/08/2026 18:41

I would like to confirm that I’m neither ignorant not naive, but I’m not sure why this is even still being debated

Because you won't do as they say and dump him

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:09

Empress13 · 24/08/2026 13:24

Let’s hope for your sake you have done your research and understand the illness and how to live with it going forward. I’m praying for you that it doesn’t pass onto any children you may have.

Do you say this to everyone who has a baby with a genetic tendency towards a certain condition?

iamnotalemon · Yesterday 07:20

Difficult one. Not the same, but I’ve suffered from depression in the past and still take a/d. I’d feel nervous disclosing this to a partner as I’d be wary of how they’d react. You said it’s been a year, but maybe he was still nervous of mentioning it, though I can see it from your side too.

Cheesemaker26 · Yesterday 09:46

Cheesemaker26 · Yesterday 05:34

He had no moral right to hide this from you. Absolutely none. It absolutely DOES affect you and is a conversation to be had within a few weeks of becoming exclusive and serious with someone.

Don't have children with him. And reconsider the relationship since, schizophrenia aside, you have discovered he is sneaky and a liar.

Oh and the reasons he behaved so badly don't matter. You're not his emotional support animal. Move on.

Uricon2 · Yesterday 09:56

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:08

Everyone with schizophrenia has this, do they?

Truthfully, have you ever actually lived with someone with paranoid schizoprenia @Lexibletheflexible ? Because I have and @Limehawkmoth has. Having done so, I have nothing but sympathy for anyone with the condition but am in no doubt about how serious it is and the challenges facing family if the person concerned goes off their meds (and they do, a lot, for a number of reasons)

I'm not trying to persuade @Notadrool not to pursue this relationship, that is down to her. I think the fact it wasn't shared with her earlier is very concerning, especially as she told him about her own stigmatised MH issue and pretending otherwise or minimising the fact that schizophrenia is a major disorder and currently incurable helps noone.

Happyhettie · Yesterday 09:57

Having had experiences dealing with people with schizophrenia and other mental health issues, my main concern is that he hadn’t told you.
When would he have told you?
Before you got married? After? Before you had children? After?
He hasn’t been honest with you and can you really trust that he is now?

Like previous posters have said, he can’t be trusted. If he keeps something this massive from you, what else will he lie about?

Be kind and all that but he’s not been honest. How do you know he’s being honest now or with anything else he tells you?

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 10:00

Uricon2 · Yesterday 09:56

Truthfully, have you ever actually lived with someone with paranoid schizoprenia @Lexibletheflexible ? Because I have and @Limehawkmoth has. Having done so, I have nothing but sympathy for anyone with the condition but am in no doubt about how serious it is and the challenges facing family if the person concerned goes off their meds (and they do, a lot, for a number of reasons)

I'm not trying to persuade @Notadrool not to pursue this relationship, that is down to her. I think the fact it wasn't shared with her earlier is very concerning, especially as she told him about her own stigmatised MH issue and pretending otherwise or minimising the fact that schizophrenia is a major disorder and currently incurable helps noone.

I was in prison with several people who have that diagnosis. Some were a lot more stable than others. Some shouldn't have been in a regular prison for sure.

dibleydob · Yesterday 11:20

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:05

No she told him about her SMI which is not schizophrenia. Different SMIs have different reputations and stigma.

Are you joking? EUPD does have a stigma attached to it - you are being deliberately naive and obtuse not to acknowledge that.

Again, there is zero evidence that the OP would be ignorant or not understanding towards MH issues considering that she has them herself and disclosed this to her partner already.

Limehawkmoth · Yesterday 12:17

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:08

Everyone with schizophrenia has this, do they?

If they are in a psychosis yes, pretty much standard… do you understand how the brain is working in people who are having hallucinations and delusions ? Read up on it…it is actually really weird and interesting how brains are processing to “hear voices” or see imaginary people ( in my dads case with LBD) . it isn’t their imagination…the brain literally processes the inner voice, With the same region of brain as you hear external noise. The brain literally hears imaginary voices with the same clarity bc as external voices. Scans done decades ago revealed this

this isn’t about people imagining things. It is literally how their brain perceives things in exactly same way as you or I hear or see the world

Limehawkmoth · Yesterday 12:18

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 10:00

I was in prison with several people who have that diagnosis. Some were a lot more stable than others. Some shouldn't have been in a regular prison for sure.

What is point you are making? Genuinely not clear🧐

pikkumyy77 · Yesterday 12:30

Lexibletheflexible · 24/08/2026 08:08

That's true. But that isn't how people work. They won't always make the best decisions for themselves and when that involves you, they'll just choose what they want you to know and what they don't. I learned this the hard way as a very young adult and it was very likely because the person thought if they told me, I would have been single-minded about how to proceed so she chose not to tell me.

You just keep digging this hole deeper. Its true that people will lie to you and withhold information for any number of reasons. It might even be because they don’t trust you to act well, or wisely, after they know this information. But that is never appropriate in an intimate relationship. If they don’t trust you they shouldn’t be in sn intimate relationship with you. If you can’t trust them you shouldn’t be in an intimate relationships with them.

This has nothing to do with “youth” or “ignorance “ though that might be used as an excuse by a deceptive partner. It is the product of fear, sometimes contempt, lack of respect/trust, and selfishness on the part of the person withholding necessary information. It creates a power imbalance in the relationship and denies the person being lied to full agency.

pikkumyy77 · Yesterday 12:40

nc43214321 · 23/08/2026 09:51

Honestly you sound very self involved and this is all about you. Do you wonder why he never thought to tell you? Hmm I don’t. He probably hasn’t called as your reaction is very over the top and he’s not interested anymore.

Self involved? This thread takes the cake for posters eliminating the OP’s very right to care about herself or even have any kind of independent thoughts about her own life and choices. For fuck’s sake a person has not inly the right but the duty to be “self involved “ when it comes to choosing an intimate partner.

PocketSand · Yesterday 15:58

I do think you need to experience someone in full blown psychosis to understand how bad it can be. Don’t minimise it whilst courting it.

If you have a partner who has hidden their diagnosis and stopped medication because they now feel well (this is not about you) there is a ticking clock. It will not end well. You can’t fix this by being understanding. You can only stay in the relationship (if you want to) with absolute honesty.

dibleydob · Yesterday 18:11

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 07:05

No she told him about her SMI which is not schizophrenia. Different SMIs have different reputations and stigma.

Evidence here that EUPD can be more stigmatised than schizophrenia

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11586320/

Quote- "While stigma affects all psychological disorders, the stigma associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is exceptionally pervasive and challenging. Research suggests that BPD may be more stigmatized than other highly stigmatized psychological disorders, including other personality disorders and schizophrenia (Markham, 2003; Markham & Trower, 2003; Masland & Null, 2022; Sheehan et al., 2016)."

More evidence here https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5036602/?

and here https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37002935/

and here https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12260754/?

and here https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38780568/

Perhaps educate yourself before you start lecturing others about their "ignorance"- eh?

HTH

“You sure she's not making this up?”: A qualitative investigation of stigma toward adults with borderline personality disorder in physical healthcare settings - PMC

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is associated with pervasive stigma that contributes to several consequences, such as inaccessible and inadequate healthcare. Existing literature concerning the experiences of BPD stigma within healthcare ...

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11586320/

NoLifeguardOnDuty · Today 04:45

Limehawkmoth · Yesterday 12:18

What is point you are making? Genuinely not clear🧐

You asked if she's ever lived with someone with schizophrenia, and she said she had

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