Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

[Notadrool]

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

When and how did you tell him you have BPD?

Worked in a warehouse few years ago. A colleague who was running his mouth non stop and speaking on everyone's life without any sign of secrecy or respect to privacy, told me that his step son in law has this illness and has wife and children. He would shout and lock himself out, call the police on himself, the kids had all sorts of SEN and one particularly would hit their head in the wall. Police, SS all there all the time. You don't want to be this woman

After reading your update, the future of this relationship and any potential child is at risk of severe SEN. But this is up to you. We are not the moral police

It's not people. It's just one person, going on and on talking rubbish.

A very much loved uncle was paranoid schizophrenic. Even as a child I could tell when he was off his meds (this happened frequently) and while he went through absolute Hell in his life, it was difficult for other close family members, including the very old and vulnerable mother who always stood by him, even after he'd almost killed her.

It was many decades ago and I think treatments and drugs have improved, so maybe the DP in this case is stable and long term compliant with meds. I understand and hate the stigma around something that is out of the person with the conditions control, but it is a serious illness and I think the conversation should have been had at a much earlier point in the relationship, rather than OP finding out by accident. It raises the question for me if he would ever have told her, which is very concerning.

I don't think it's just stigma that stops people having relationships with people with a history of severe mental health issues. Men and women are biologically programmed to seek out the healthiest 'mate' we can to have children with.
We are literally programmed to experience a sense of minor revulsion (the ick in common parlance) when we find out about a characteristic in a mate that could affect our future children's survival or genetic health.

People with schizophrenia are half as likely to be parents compared to the general population. On a population level, this is a good thing as it stops over expression of faulty genes in subsequent generations but on a personal level can be very difficult if it is more difficult to maintain relationships due to a mental illness which is no fault of your own. Perhaps more funding into finding genetic clusters that increase risk with pre-implantation testing could be helpful in the future.

Fertility rates are particularly low for men with schizophrenia with only 25% of men with schizophrenia having children, compared to 50% for women.

This.

It’s funny how many people think that because he has an SMI condition he is a danger to others, when I see so many news stories of men committing crimes against families or members of the public and there is no mention of SMI. You just don’t know what anyone is capable of SMI or not.

If you've met one person with schizophrenia, you've met one person with schizophrenia.

HTH

It's about risk though isn't it. If 85-90% people with schizophrenia aren't a risk to others, then 10-15% of them are, especially considering I am a straight female so my life partner I'm going to get drunk with, be alone in the house or the wilds with, and fall asleep beside is going to be physically capable of killing me . I don't like those odds. I ride horses (dangerous but to me acceptable risk ) but I don't ride motorbikes. I understand the appeal. I've been on the back of my husband's bike a few times. Motorbikes are cool and riding a bike fast solo probably feels amazing but I've picked my level of risk.
I like dogs. I have two. I wouldn't get one that had an increased risk of being temperamentally unstable, especially if it was a big dog.

Not a very nuanced analysis.

Compare it to the percentage of men who are violent.

The evidence base, which is what I rely upon rather than the tabloids and GB News, consistently shows that people with schizophrenia are far more at risk from others than to others.

Most people are too ignorant to understand how to interpret the data

Lots of ‘it would be a deal breaker for me’ posts.

I wonder how many of you if you’re completely honest with yourselves would actually fess up?

I probably wouldn’t until I really knew someone.

@Notadrool
There are a lot of misconceptions regarding this illness. The general public only hear about the very tiny percent of horror stories in the news, but you do need to listen to what your boyfriend has to say, and also research the subject.

That is muddled, unscientific thinking. Any time male violence towards women and girls is talked about, somebody always pops up to say "but men are more likely to be the victims of suicide or murder rhan women, poor men". Yes. That is true. It is also true that they are more likely to be the perpatrators of violence than women. Even though the majority of men aren't violent.

Is a man with schizophrenia (or episodes of psychosis or severe PTSD ) more likely to be violent than the average Joe? Have his children an increased risk of the condition? Yes. So I have no interest in living with, marrying or having children with one. I'm not saying nobody else should. Everyone picks their level of risk but the information should be made available. Plenty of people would be happy in a relationship with people with schizophrenia if they have discussed the history and it seems to be lower end of the scale. A few people would be comfortable handling the full monty. All depending on their attitude to risk and their personal experience and capabilities and support.

When did you tell him about your BPD?

Sounds like that would have been the right moment for him to make his own disclosure... It would upset me that making a vulnerable medical admission had been one-sided.

" you do need to listen to what your boyfriend has to say, and also research the subject."

OP doesn't "need" to do anything if she doesn't want to.
She can dump him on the spot (or later) purely for being deceitful if she wants.
She can dump him for having a mental health condition if she wants. I have a family member who ditched somebody early on for having episodes of depression. In my early 20s I elected not to go on a second date with a nice, fairly attractive man who spent a chunk of the first date talking about the suicidal thoughts he'd had during a recent bout of depression after a traumatic breakup with the mentally unstable mother of his young child. He was a nice person and I hope he lived happily ever after. But not with me.

I agree with PPs who say it's particularly shoddy behaviour of him not to disclose when OP has disclosed her own BPD, allowing him to make an informed choice about the relationship. A choice which he has not afforded her.

Incorrect.

But would you care to cite your sources?

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18922232/

and https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2718581/
HTH

Sure but that advice does not extend to intimate partners. There’s no blanket privacy principle here other than to respect the need of the potential partner to be accurately informed of the potential risks and liabilities of the person. Just as you don’t need to disclose your assets and debts to some people but you do to a serious ling term partner with whom you are planning to firm a family unit.

Obviously up to you OP, if its a dealbreaker for you then understandable, but this thread for example shows why a lot of people don't share their diagnosis.

To not notice a partner's schizophrenia, it would appear that he has achieved remission, which is usually done by adhering to medication. I can imagine it would be hard having to disclose one's diagnosis because of the stigma and there's a strong likelihood that he would have experienced rejection in the past. During an episode, a feeling of persecution is very common and it is easy for the sufferer to suffer delusions that alienate friends and family and, therefore, feel an acute sense of rejection concerning their illness. Having reached out by text, I think it's a good opportunity to discuss things and explain that you feel hurt by his secracy.

Having past experience of living with and current experience supporting someone with schizophrenia, it can be incredibly traumatic when they're not managing their condition well, especially when their delusions involve hurtful accusations about you or those close to you. It is hard seeing them distressed. It is not a mild illness and although the majority of people with schizophrenia are not physically violent, there is a risk of destructive behaviours and poor self-control during psychosis. It affects ones ability to hold down a job, raise children etc. so it is definitely something to be aware of.

Why? Because they'd prefer to lie and deceive their partner about a condition that they think might be a dealbreaker, deliberately hiding it because they know it might be a dealbreaker, thus removing their partner's ability to give informed consent, and keeping them in a relationship that they might not wish to be in?

That's incredibly scummy, controlling, and abusive.

Ok, I have Schizoaffective disorder which is basically a mix of schizophrenia with bipolar; it’s very difficult to know when to disclose the disorder to close friends & boyfriends / potential partners as there is such a bad stigma for any illness beginning with ‘schizo.. ‘
Honestly, most people are very prejudiced! Even my own mum loved me to bits but would not discuss my illness. I work part time in a hospital & any patients with schizophrenia or Schizoaffective as co-morbidities who are on my ward are really judged and treated with extreme caution by many staff, it’s awful and so I obviously do not share my diagnosis.
I also have epilepsy which has a stigma to it still as well unfortunately!
I don’t have a boyfriend at present but I’d like to start dating soon, I’m just not at all sure if or when to disclose either condition!
I won’t be able now to have children sadly although I did really want to be a parent; so that is not an issue.

No, because a lot of people are ignorant and make all sorts of assumptions about schizophrenia- as evidenced by some of the posts in this thread.

That doesn't negate my point that, if someone deliberately withholds information because they think it will make a person break up with them, it's incredibly unethical and controlling, and could be seen as abusive as it removes the other person's ability to give informed consent in regards to staying in the relationship.

Agree. Your sad lot in life does not give you the right to try to trap someone into a relationship with you.

This man withheld important information from OP on purpose. He didn't give her the chance to choose him, he was trying to trick her.

He is completely disrespectful towards OP.

I'd ditch him without a second thought, because he's a lying arsehole.