Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

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My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

He should have told you but it’s totally understandable why he didn’t. The stigma against MH in society is awful, and schizophrenia is a whole other level of stigma. After you found out, did he say he was going to tell you eventually? He maybe was but hadn’t summoned up the courage yet. If I’m honest and I put myself in his shoes - if I had schizophrenia and was stable on meds for over a year, I would be temped to keep it from a partner initially. I’d probably have told them before a year but maybe he was too scared of losing you. It’s hard to imagine having to tell people you have an illness people associate with serial killers and insane asylums. You assume everyone’s going to run a mile and no one will ever want to get close to you. If you try really hard to control it and always take your meds as you’re supposed to, that must be really frustrating. Not saying he wasn’t wrong for not telling you, just that I understand why he didn’t.

I agree with you op.
My partner has a serious MH condition and he told me very early on.
The fact that he’s hidden it from you when you’re so close would really worry me, as if he has no insight into his own state or he’s in denial perhaps - even without the added layer of you needing to know for practical and moral reasons !

It doesnt matter if is or it isn't true of her. What matters is that they might be on different pages about this and that is why discussion and being upfront about your deal breakers by asking questions is a wise thing to do.

There is just as much onus on you to ask the questions that reveal incompatibility as there is on the other person to volunteer that information.

Op thank you for coming back to the thread.

Beyond the non disclosure I’d take serious consideration of any potential children. As you too have BPD - with both of you suffering there is significant risk of any future children suffering from those issues too.

I won’t add the statistics on here but it’s more than worth a look and a sensible thing to do.

Good luck

Nah I completely disagree. That sounds remarkably convenient: ‘You should have asked the exact question I was hoping you wouldn't ask.’

You cannot seriously argue that a partner has equal responsibility to uncover information that the other person is deliberately choosing not to disclose. A relationship isn't a cross-examination where you have to guess every potentially significant fact about the person you're dating.

There is a difference between privacy and deliberately withholding something because you know it might affect your partner's decision. If your entire argument is ‘well, they didn't ask’, you're essentially saying that anything goes unless your partner happens to think of the right question. That isn't openness, honesty or partnership.

By that rationale, I could just have an affair and then when my husband finds out and is gutted I can simply say "well you didnt specifically ask me if I was having an affair".

My husband has paranoid schizophrenia op if you have any questions? We have 2 kids.

Nor does schizophrenia. What an ignorant thing to say.

The evidence base shows that a person with schizophrenia is far more likely to be at risk FROM others, not TO others.

But if you get your information from the Daily Mail I can understand why you think that.

Carry on with the stigma.

Any serious condition that can impact the future, physical or mental, needs to be disclosed. I get it can be tricky to figure out the right time to do that. Not too soon, not too late.

‘Consider carefully’ means thing about who in your outer circles of friends you tell, wards DONT mean partners. It’s stupid, dangerous and downright wrong to not tell an intimate partner.

Not the same illness but as a teen I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. This was actually a misdiagnosis so I never told anyone as I knew it was incorrect. When I met dh I masked intensely to get through the dates often having days between where I couldn’t speak or get up as it exhausted me so much.
Years later I got the correct diagnosis (autism) and then told him about the personality disorder.

Sorry to say I would be pissed as well.
If or when he comes out of hiding and confronts the issue of why he dodbt tell you it will be importsnt to know of he is on stable everyday meds or whatever he needs to be doing.
Do you want to stay or are you sure he and you can be together still.
Please find out of he has any addiction or alchol avuse on top of his mental health.
Living with someone it was share hell.
The violent potential and behaviours means you need to keep yourself safe..involve that trusted friend.
Anyone finding meds would be concerned or upset doesnt matter what it is.
I am negetive towards the illness as it caused alot of abuse and co dependence it wasnt me but family mem partner.
Do they have a social worker or is that not done anymore?
This person checked in, meds, mind and living it was a good safety net.

She still needs to know. What if they spend the night together and he becomes unwell? She needs to be able to recognise the signs and to know how to respond. What if he forgets to take his medication? Or worse, stops because he thinks he's well enough now(that is very common).
It's no different ro someone who has epilepsy or a nut allergy.

Now you know I wonder if you are going to finish with him. You are young you deserve the chance of meeting someone who truly loves you and doesn't have major issues. An aunty of mine married a similar person and had a dreadful marriage until her husband died.

Couldn't sleep? Or on the early shift? 😂

If my partner had a gene which meant our children were likely to get cancer, that would be a deal-breaker for me. It's morally wrong to deliberately create human beings who must face those risks.

It’s clear the vast majority here have never had any experience in this illness. Not all schizophrenic people are loonatics ..
I see the same thing wrote .. he should have disclosed this ..followed by I wouldn’t be with someone like this …. Proving his point to why he didn’t disclose it !

If you'd had the information near the start of the relationship, what would you have done with it?
My DH hid a MH condition from me until we were married - so years into the relationship and I was extremely annoyed and frustrated to be finding out this information so far down the line.
If I'd known from the outset then there's a good chance I wouldn't have stuck around - it's really difficult to live with him at times and I could have predicted this if I'd known about his condition - and I could have made an informed choice rather than just having it land in the middle of my marriage.

Things that sre your deal breakers, yes, i think you have as much onus to ask as they do to disclose.

Let me give you an example, my beloved male cousin doesn't want to date a single mum. Fair enough. In his time, he has met women and found out on a date or 2 later that they have kids. Not because they lied to him, but because he assumed that they should say upfront.

I pointed out why they might not be upfront (paedos), and said he should ask way in advance if it means he will not be interested any more.

It's the same thing here.

No you don't ask about everything because not everything is a deal breaker. You probably have 5 real deal breakers. You ask about those.

And yet, we as a world are banging on and on and on about mental health … and then there’s this kind of attitude.. The stigma is horrendous..

Just on another note .. please do not ever put medication in a normal bin
Any local chemist or pharmacy will doop that for you so it doesnt get in the hands of children , animals or vulnerable people
Even out of date, some of them are dangerous
I agree , you should have been told , this is a significant illness that can impact an intimate partner

I think that depends on his specific history.

Because there that much stigma and judgement around it I can see why he didn’t tell you

You need to dump him immediately. I don't see any other way to go from here.

He doesn't get to decide if it's "no big deal" on your behalf that he's schizophrenic, and withhold information from you. What else does he not tell you because "it's nothing"? I could never trust a person like this.

Also, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone schizophrenic. I wouldn't want to be with someone with mental health issues. It's not shallow, it's a well thought out decision.

As a society we have to trust people otherwise how would we function?

Omission of important facts are with holding important information and that’s deceitful because they are potentially dangerous. You equalling this to a women withholding that she has children. There is no danger to the person with the one not disclosing children.

So are you saying we need to be asking -

Have you ever been hospitalised with psychosis
Have you ever murdered someone
Have you ever raped someone.
Have you sexually molested a child
Have you ever physically assaulted a women or child?
Are you on the sexual offenders register?

Those are pretty big deal beakers.

So if a women unintentionally ends up with a child rapist - could the child rapist say ‘ ah well you never asked me…’

I mean we could end up with a pretty big extensive list here couldn’t we? Y’know because we wouldn’t to miss one out?

When world he tell her? If thry went on to have a child - who had 10% chance of develops it - actually develops it?

Do you think he would say ‘ah actually I’ve got something to tell you both’

Or when he’s in mid psychos and OP is terrified and no idea what going on?