Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

[Notadrool]

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

With something like this, you really need to speak to him about it and then EDUCATE yourself about it, rather listening to the scaremongering on here.

Also bear in mind lots of medications are used for a number of MH conditions, so it might not even be schizophrenia.

F

Honestly you sound very self involved and this is all about you. Do you wonder why he never thought to tell you? Hmm I don’t. He probably hasn’t called as your reaction is very over the top and he’s not interested anymore.

I’d be angry and upset too OP. This is a huge diagnosis to hide from you, and the fact that he doesn’t see that, suggests that he’s not completely well. If he had insight, he’d see that (like addictions) schizophrenia is never fully “cured”. There’s always a risk of relapse. Someone who’s had a one-off psychotic episode eg postpartum may never have an episode again. But someone with a diagnosis of schizophrenia is unlikely to be free of it for their remaining lifetime, not least because they often choose to stop taking their meds.

@FaceIt OP has said he confirmed the diagnosis.

He lied by omission. He prioritised his desire for a relationship over the right of OP to know what she's getting herself into. He denied her agency.

I'd dump him without a second thought. Not because of the schizophrenia but because of the lying.

What else is he lying about?

What we each should tell and be told before we get pregnant is an interesting question. Definitely affairs. That’s obvious. Serious inheritable medical risks - yes to that too. What about medical disorders in our wider family?

My DCs are teenagers now. I didn’t think about these questions when i was young and wanting to start a family. If i knew what i know now, I would be much more careful. I think my choice and agency were horribly ignored. I wish i had been more aware to ask and check, and that i had dumped exH before having DCs with him, and had gone on to have DCs with with my next DP who I’m still with. But i might have struggled to conceive. And i love my DCs so much - they’re amazing young people- so it’s confusing to think like this

@Notadrool
Don't be distraught
Just walk
And be thankful however awfully it happened
You found out
Before babies

@Notadrool
And his lying too
If he deliberately kept that secret
It's always going to be his pattern with you about every and anything

This. He's shown himself to be deceitful and manipulative, and willing to withhold information from you indefinitely if he thinks it will affect your opinion of him negatively – so how are you supposed to trust anything he tells you now?

For him to do this when you were upfront about your BPD is a real slap in the face too – that was a perfect opportunity for him to share his condition.

I would be upset that he lied by ommission. Id also be concerned if you want to have children. I you have bpd and he has schizophrenia I'd be worried about the hereditary factors.

People who aren’t honest about certain things, serious mental health issues, alcohol issues, gambling, drugs, sex kinks etc deny you the right to make an informed decision about a relationship before you get too invested. I know, I’ve been there. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

In a word “Yes”. There is the moral element of truth and openness in a relationship, but there is also the duty of care all people have a right to, for example there have been cases of people charged with failing to disclose their HIV status, or other sexually transmitted illness that can have long term or fatal effects on a partner, and can also affect foetal development if not treated .

Schizophrenia has a genetic element, so this also applies if partners are contemplating a long term commitment, but also the possible outcomes of living with someone who fails to keep up with their medication, either through illness, ignorance or wilfulness. If you don’t know about and understand your partners illness how are you able to judge if someone is becoming seriously unwell and take steps to protect both them and yourself?

I think he should have told you. I don't think you should be searching through his rubbish.

Absolutely not - when your faced with unexpected challenges children & adults can lead amazing fulfilling lives.

However that’s not the same as choosing to have a child despite knowing the risks

As OP has BPD and her BF has schizophrenia- any children would have a higher percentage of suffering from either one of them than parents with out. That needs considering.

Yes, it does. I'm quite glad we didn't know what genes we carry before having our children. It made it much simpler. However, if you know, it does need thinking about.

yes i think he should have disclosed if he felt that it was getting beyond a stage of casual dating and definitely before sex because of the risk of conception. Importantly also, he should not be disposing of medication in standard rubbish but returning it to a pharmacy. Pretty silly to be doing it in packages with his name on!

I think there is a distinct difference between being given the choice of making an informed decision based on existing knowledge and accepting the outcomes of something that could not have been predicted in advance.

Yes, you are right. But the other issue is that before she found the medication the OP was not in a position to “EDUCATE” herself about her partners mental or physical health because she had no idea that she needed to.

If they’re having sex, she needs to know because of the risk of pregnancy and that there’s a genetic element. So even short term, if the circumstances are such that there could be a permanent consequence, she should be told

This would be a deal-breaker for me - not the schizophrenia, but the hiding it.

i think anything major should be disclosed before the relationship gets too serious, to give everyone the chance to make an informed decision. A year, to me, is well past the date it should have been talked about.

Do you know 100% that he has schizophrenia? What meds was he throwing away?
Some psychiatric meds are used for other things aswell.

I probably wouldn't tell someone I take antidepressants if we just started dating to be fair.
Just trying to see it from his POV.
Sounds like he's been managing whatever condition he's got well.

Just editing to say I'm about to read your updates OP, so my comments probably useless, sorry

It is.

But I have to say the issue for me is the lying. Esp because he lied to you when you had already disclosed your own diagnosis. I mean the time when you had the courage to do that would have been a perfect time for him to tell you about his diagnosis.

I get the stigma. Hell I get how it can affect people around you (my uncle was too).
But just like with HIV, herpes, fertility (as mentioned by some posters), cancer (like non Hopkins lymphoma) or even diabetes, your partner needs to be told as soon as possible. Withholding information like this usnt good. Not on a health pov, not on a relationship pov.
I mean he starts having a crisis, would he tell you or woukd he wait until you discover it because of his behaviour?

There is no law about disclosing whether you’re married either, but a year into a relationship it would be pretty shitty to find out. Your posts are baffling tbh, especially as you say you’d end the relationship too. What a waste of a year.

FWIW OP my DP of 3 years disclosed EVERYTHING that might be useful for me to know within the first few weeks of us dating. MH issues, childhood trauma, previous addiction/substance abuse issues, cheating on previous partners. He laid it all on the table and his openness and honesty about it was one of the things I fell in love with. Some of those things I had considered to be dealbreakers actually weren’t when they were revealed with vulnerability and context.

Your DP has been dishonest and that’s way more of an issue than anything he could have been dishonest about in my book. Even with infidelity, a lot of people say it’s the lying that hurts more than the cheating. I’d rather be with someone who has issues I’m aware of, who has been open about their struggles and whom I can get to know properly so that I can sense when things are changing and need addressing, rather than someone hiding parts of themselves and putting you both in harms way because you don’t know when something is ‘off’. He’s been thoroughly reckless with your heart and wellbeing IMHO.

If he wants to call you I'd listen to what he wants to say.

I know you found out because he was throwing old meds away, but from what you've said I do believe they were old prescriptions to be honest.

He's Obviously managing his illness well, and I can understand why he didn't want to tell you when you first started seeing each other.