Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

[Notadrool]

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

A year in and spending time at each others homes suggest it’s serious.

Well if he isnt certain about their future then he wont mind at all if OP ends it then will he?- no harm done.

If he is certain and doesnt want it to end then he should have told her.

Cant have it both ways.

Does it? Unless they've had explcit talks where he's volunteered that he believes they have long term compatibility, I wouldn't assume that he is thinking this is it. A year in, he might still be seeing what is what.

Yeah OP can end it any time she wants. She should if a SMI is a deal breaker. It is for me. Next time she should ask early on if SMIs have featured in the person's life.

It’s ethical to let your partner know you potentially could have severe psychosis and mental health issues.

This is about honesty and informed commitment. If you can’t offer this to your partner you have no business being in a relationship

Maybe she will!

I would end it if I was her.

Well you don’t know if they have do you? One can assume a year in with your boyfriend is going somewhere.

Only dickheads would be considering ‘ see where it’s going’ at the point as it’s a waste of everyone’s time isn’t it?

Okay so it's your opinion on ethics guiding you. There isnt any law so nobody has to? Right.

No, I dont think only a dickhead wouldn't be sure a year in to every relationship. Many of us need more than mutual attraction and willingness to hang out to establish life long compatibility.

He should have disclosed. In the first instance not disclosing can be symptomatic of underplaying the condition - which is in fact very common for schizophrenics. But by disclosing it gives you the honest choice around whether you want to be involved with someone with a serious, lifelong MH condition. It cannot be fixed, it can only be medicated.

I imagine there are all sorts of reasons he didn’t disclose, not least of all embarrassment. He has also probably experienced being severely rejected by people before, so you also shouldn’t treat him not contacting you as not caring. He may simply be deeply depressed as to this outcome.

you should at least have a conversation for the sake of this person’s well-being. Equally, you should inform yourself separately as to what this could mean even though plenty of people with schizophrenia lead purposeful, meaningful lives.

So would I most likely. I wouldn't feel aggrieved that I only just found out, though.

I’m in two minds. Yes, I understand why you feel he should have disclosed it. However, if the medications have kept him stable, and his illness has not affected your relationship, I can see why he didn’t disclose it. He was probably afraid of the exact reaction he has got. Maybe he was planning to tell you when he was ready.

She should if she knows it is a deal breaker. But people often don't want to be upfront about their deal breakers because they don't wwnt people to know they'd dump someone for this or that in case it appears they lack compassion.

Ethics matter too. Not everything that is morally right or wrong is determined by whether there’s a law against it. Nobody is suggesting he has a "legal duty" to disclose his diagnosis. The question is whether, after a year in a relationship, it was ethically right to withhold something potentially significant from his partner.

‘There’s no law saying he has to’ isn’t really an argument against that.

Thankfully, we don’t base all of our behaviour solely on what we can legally get away with.

Yawn. If you’ve spent a year with someone and still don’t know where your head is at - it’s been a waste of time - usually for the other person who most likely thinks it’s going great.

Its a really shitty excuse ‘oh I didn’t tell you as after a year I still didn’t know how I felt about you’

OP has he confirmed the disorder? As others have asked?
Whilst I understand that it seems 'wrong' that he has not be honest about this, it is also understandable that he has not, as it seems many would dismiss a possibility of a life partnership purely based on him having a SMI.
The nature if his illness is important. And how well it is controlled.
If you care about this man it needs discussing and you need to be educated about his condition.
I speak from experience if a v close family member with a schizoid affective disorder. He has been married over 20 years, has 2 kids and a career.
Yes his medication is life long. But he is not a danger to anyone.
And in terms of inheriting a condition, schizoid disorders usually need a genetic disposition and a trigger. As the gene is in my family and I have young adult offspring I have always talked a lot about known triggers (drugs esp).
No one really knows their full genetic make up and anyone can marry someone with an untriggered predisopsition that even they don't know about and face this.
At least you would be educated and can make an informed decision.

I think you should make it clear up front that someone has a ser amount of time to decide if they want to be with you before you believe they are a dickhead.

Luckily she never got pregnant as the child has 10% chance of also developing it.

Kind of important to disclose don’t you think?

AGHAST at the people on this thread stating or implying it’s in any way acceptable for your boyfriend to have withheld this vital information from you for a YEAR. 😱
It was a deliberate action, designed to remove your choice and agency about the relationship.
This would be an absolute, instant dealbreaker for me. 🚩

A year in and you still can’t decide if you want to be with the person you’re sleeping with and spending time at their homes… ok

Yep but it’s mainly a very misogynistic poster who lurks the threads

Did he actually use the word schizophrenia? Bc a lot of antipsychotics are used for other conditions such as anxiety albeit at a lower dose?

also I’m not sure if you’re young but it’s highly unlikely if you are that he would have already received the diagnosis of schizophrenia - often people have to experience psychosis various times to get that diagnosis. (This is simplifying it a bit but that’s sort of it.)

Im on medication for schizophrenia. I don't have schizophrenia. You need to actually talk to him rather then assuming things. Although i do agree you shouldn't hide smi from a partner I have bpd and bipolar and I have always disclosed this early on then its their choice if they can deal with that or not.

Not everyone thinks of every relationship as "I'm here because I know I want to die with this person".