Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

[Notadrool]

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

The OP (and everyone!) is quite free to “discriminate” as much as she likes about who she gets into a relationship with, sleeps with and considers having children with.

Nobody owes someone else a relationship.

I don't know. I have a young adult child who has inherited two serious genes (physical health) that we didn't know were lurking when he was born. He's had some rough years but he has said he's very glad for his life and enjoys it. Probably good I didn't know but I'm glad he has a life he finds worthwhile. Can we say what someone's quality of life is going to be just because they have challenges?

If it's quetiapine, that can be used to modulate depressive symptoms but olanzepine and similar are more likely to be given for schizophrenia or e.g. bipolar with psychosis.

Given both of you have MH issues, any children would have an increased risk themselves and depending on you and your partner's stability of symptoms MAY (and I stress the word may) be at risk of an unstable or damaging childhood.

It's the lying I would have a problem with, and it IS lying by omission. I found our my husband had a medical problem within a few weeks of dating and that's a trivial condition for him (in comparison).

If it is schizophrenia, you'll want to know whether he has been violent, whether he has hallucinations that tell him to do things, whether he has been sectioned, whether he has power of attorney so someone can step in an look after his e.g. finances if he became ill, whether there is a family history of this or other mental health disorders.

If it were me, I would break up with him for the lying - he would have withheld a piece of information I would need to decide if I wanted children with someone. I have a strong family history of MH disorders and could never have children with anyone who had experienced psychosis etc. due to the genetic risks. For me there would have been no point being with someone if a family wasn't on the cards.

You will have your own feelings and make your own decision but It is absolutely okay to break up with any person for any reason.

I'd say if you're with someone for a year then it's definitely reasonable to expect to know their medical history, I was 24 when I met my husband and 4 weeks in I gave him the lowdown on my diagnoses that can effect fertility. Better to know if it's a deal breaker early on and get everyone int he same page quickly.

@NotadroolI think it’s really hard. Have you been open with him about your eupd / bpd? I think if you have been then that should have made him feel more comfortable opening up to you.

Has he ever shown signs of instability whilst you’ve been dating? I would ask him for a full history, when he was diagnosed, how he has been treated, what led to the change in medication and what level of oversight does he have now. Are you friendly with his family? Could you speak to them?

There is a genetic component unfortunately so it does mean your children could struggle. But equally I believe there is with eupd / BPD (my grandfather and sister both have it)

One of my friends had this dilemma about when to tell potential partners she couldn't have children. Too soon isn't appropriate but she didn't want to lead them on if a dead end. I think she usually decided about a month in.

"Have you ever been hospitalised with psychosis"

Yes if this is important to you, ask.

"Have you ever murdered someone"

"Have you ever physically assaulted a women or child?"

Does that actually matter? What about if they haven't murdered someone, but very nearly killed them? Or what if they did, but any one rational would call it self defence? What you actually want to know is if they are violent. So you ask questions more related to that as you get to know them. There aren't real short cuts that tell you anything relevant.

"Have you ever raped someone."
"Have you sexually molested a child"

The same goes for these questions. You want to ask more about their views on things like consent and their tendency towards violence.

"Are you on the sexual offenders register?"

You can check this yourself. You can do a fairly good screen for this by just googling the person. I saw on a FB group recently that a woman reverse image searched the pic from a dating profile and it found a newspaper article revealing the guy was abusive to his ex. The pic he used on this dating profile was on the bloody article which had taken it from a SM site.

I think it depends on the conditions you meet.

I think that's nonsense, in a grown up relationships we have a responsibility to one another, people behave badly in relationships all the time but this definitely is behaving poorly.

Grown ups aren't all dating with a view to one outcome.

Yes. Do you think it would be acceptable to start a relationship with someone if you had an STD without telling them first? Of course there are medical issues that need to be declared right at the start and Schizophrenia is one of them.

I have bipolar that I always disclose early in relationships so they have the choice to stay or not. It’s the taking away of that choice that would get me rather than the actual diagnosis.

I think you need to talk to him to find out why he didn’t tell you and how long he’s been stable for if you are considering staying in the relationship.

Can you catch schizophrenia through blow jobs?

"There is just as much onus on you to ask the questions that reveal incompatibility as there is on the other person to volunteer that information."

An interesting ethical question. I think the onus is on the person to disclose, rather than the person in OPs position to ask the right question.

"You probably have 5 real deal breakers. You ask about those."

Hmm, I didn't. I told him early on that cheating was a deal breaker for me, I think. In hindsight, should I have sat him down with a yes/no tick box questionnaire at about the 6mo mark like you have to do when you're going to the dentist, or bungee jumping, and got him to update it q6mo like at the dentist?

Have you ever cheated on a partner?
Have you been married before?
Do you have any children I don't know about?
Are you, or do you think you might be, gay and am I unkowingly in a lavender relationship?
Do you actually identify as female and is there a chance you may transition in future?
Have you ever been in prison?
Have you ever committed a crime that would likely have resulted in a prison sentence, but you got away with it?
Have you ever hit or choked a woman?
Have you ever had any sort of restraining order?
Are you, or have you ever been, an alcoholic?
Are you, or have you ever been, a cocaine user?
Have you taken any other recreational drugs in the past five years?* if yes , please elaborate
Do you have any debt that is >£4k and if so, what?
Do you gamble and if so, how often and what's roughly your average and maximum stake?
Are you a genetic carrier of any serious physical or mental health conditions?
Do you have any serious physical or mental health conditions including, but not limited to (lists a host of things)

No, rimming.

Gotta stop tossing that salad

Stigma against mental health conditions is real and shouldn't be allowed to stop people having opportunities and being treated well at work and by public services etc.

But this isn't that. Just as it isn't a question of stigma if you decide you don't want to be with a religious or non-religious partner, or if you don't want to be with someone who already has kids, or is divorced, or came here from elsewhere and intends to move back to the country of their birth some day. Or is bisexual, or hates animals, or has a fetish you don't share etc. etc. etc.

This is a person in a year-long relationship being deprived of important information about her partner that could be relevant to her own life with him if the relationship continues, and any children they have.

She isn't his employer and doesn't have to operate an inclusive relationship policy. She's a person, with the right to decide what kind of relationship she wants and with whom.

Of course he should have been honest- it's absurd to suggest otherwise.

@Notadrool I hope he accepts he was wrong and understands he'll have to earn your trust back. For me, if I felt that he was now going to be completely honest, acknowledge the potential relevance to my life and answer all my questions, I might feel able to continue the relationship.

But if he's still at all defensive or secretive about it, that would be it.

I agree that he should have disclosed sooner than 1 year into the relationship. I don’t know if it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I asked chatgpt the following questions:

Can schizophrenia be well controlled so that a spouse has a good life? Does it tend to go through peaks even on medication? are there unpleasant side effects of meds for spouses? does it tend to get worse later in life?

The answers were quite nuanced esp because the disorder can vary in severity.

OP - it would be reasonable to break up , or to try to find out more about his particular situation

None of this is to do with anyone "being a loony" as someone else quoted. It has so many more implications whether a mental or physical health issue. If it can affect your future offspring or way of life then of course you should disclose it.
Mental health diagnosis doesn't stereotype a person's personality or behaviour but by sweeping it under the carpet it gives it more of an emphasis of something scary when it doesn't necessarily mean this. There are many people living life with a mh condition and most people wouldn't know. If you're in a relationship with someone you need to know.

I would leave him.

Imagine what else he is choosing to hide.

Im not suggesting they are, I'm saying I was dating with a view to marriage and kids and I was upfront and made my now husband and others before him ware of my situation.

This chap has been spending time with this woman for a year, she deserves to know the medical history of her intimate partner when it could affect his behaviour around her.

He's behaved badly. You can support that all you like but it's still poor behaviour and irresponsible for an adult.

"Mental health diagnosis doesn't stereotype a personality or behaviour ".

I must disagree with you. Multiple stereotypes abound on this thread, including that people with schizophrenia are dangerous and they shouldn't reproduce.

I am not commenting on OPs situation. I am commenting that it is far, far more acceptable to have a bit of anxiety and depression and be in a first line antidepressant than have an SMI.

"It's OK not to be OK".

Yes, if you have the former condition. Emphatically not with an SMI.

Lying by omission is manipulative and no way to start a relationship, let alone a year-long one where trust has presumably been established enough to live together.

I’m sorry this happened op. I personally think he should have told you. Casual dating is one thing, but if you are in a committed relationship you deserve to know. Meet, and talk, and see where you go from here. You need all the facts so you can make an informed choice about the relationship.

We can not have biases against things like schizophrenia, but I think we still need to know. That goes for significant physical health conditions and other MI as well.

Any illness could change for the worse in the future. This impacts a partner who might have to support the household if they can't work, adds stress, and might increase the risk to their own children. Especially if they also have schizophrenia (as the example given) in their family. That increases the chances of passing on genetic conditions. It's fair that someone gets to decide if this is something they want in their relationship. The unknown can happen in any relationship but a known should be disclosed.

If I was looking for a future with someone who wanted children, I know some genes I carry and I'd ask them about that. There is a 10-20% chance of me passing on a particular gene to a child of mine. If he has it too, that's worth some serious thinking.