Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

[Notadrool]

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

How long have you been together?

Such is the stigma attached to schizophrenia. However given the nature of this, you should have been told. Specifically there are sub types that put them and possibly others around them at risk of they are not stable/off meds. I am not saying this to scare you, but you need to know to look after yourself and him as needed.
Many people do live stable lives who have MH diagnosis that are more severe in nature to bouts of what most people experience at some point in their life.

Yep, that's the sort of thing that needs to be disclosed very early into dating.

I'd be out without a second thought if someone hid that from me.

How long have you been together?
I can understand it might be hard to bring up but given that you've been honest with him, I'd be hurt that he didn't take that opportunity to say something. It seems like a natural way for it to come up.

Schizophrenia is absolutely something one must disclose to an intimate partner. For everyone’s safety and accountability. Accountability as patients can lack insight into the severity and significance of their symptoms and go off meds or off the schedule that keeps things more or less under control. Meanwhile for your safety and ability to act as liaison or mediator for him if he has a severe episode you have to have been informed. what if he went into a paranoid or psychotic episode while with you and you had no idea?

1 week, 1 year or 5 years?

A bit more than a year. He definitely had chances to tell me

There’s a genetic component, if you were to start a family.
Sadly it would be a dealbreaker.

Did he actually confirm it was schizophrenia or was that just what Dr Google told you? A lot of the medications are also used for other conditions.

This

OP I’d feel annoyed by this too.

I stopped dating a guy when he told me he suffered from depression as I couldn’t be with some one who struggled with mental health issues because of what I’d experienced as a child.

I grew up with a mother who had a whole raft of mental health disorders and was in and out of psychiatric wards all through my childhood.

Whilst I can have sympathy for my mother ( now looking back) I can also recognise the torment, the confusion, the anxiety, the upset, the egg shell walking myself and younger brother suffered. My mums mental health shaped our entire childhood.

Think painting your face like a geisha and wandering the streets in the snow in nothing but a nighty and bare feet & multiple attempts of suicide. In fact people where we lived called her ‘Mad Mary’

This isn’t a mild mental health disorder- in fact many years ago I was trapped in a flat with a man who had a schizophrenic episode and it was very scary. So for him to hide it is very worrying as he should have been open about it.

You would have needed to know about it incase he stopped taking medication and had a fare up. You should have been given that choice.

Think very carefully about committing with this man and having children.

If you know a person has a serious long term mental health condition but it’s completely stable with medication and you still choose to be with them - that’s one thing.

But getting with someone who hides a long term health condition- like schizophrenia is another.

Doesnt matter if he’s on different medication - he hid it and do you even know he has other medication? The trust has gone and that vital for choosing to be with some one who can potentially be very dangerous with a long term mental health condition

Does he have to disclose his medical background to you?

Yeah if he has a long term mental health condition that could be potentially dangerous- he should. OP could go on to have children with this man.

She should have been given a choice.

Schizophrenia to one side, you never want to be in a relationship with a liar.

Yanbu he should have told you.

Yes, he does.

Schizophrenia is a very serious diagnosis- I worked on a psych ward for over a decade and the effects on the person and their families are far reaching and very serious. Its also thought to be genetic so any children they have together could also inherit it.

Not everyone agrees that SMIs have to be disclosed. Look at other threads on the matter. In fact, people with SMIs are often told they do not have to tell anyone and should consider carefully about who they do tell.

Yanbu, he should have told you. I don't like liars and you should have been aware so you could decide if you wanted to be in the relationship.

Be glad you know now. Good luck.

"consider carefully"- yes, noone is obliged to be telling their next door neighbour about their health issues for example, but a person you are in a relationship with and planning a life together- of course you bloody need to tell them. Schizophrenia is not something that is easily hidden anyway when someone is becoming unwell.

And who knows what else he could be hiding?! He has proven himself to be untrustworthy.

Of course you should disclose such a serious illness which could affect you and any children born in the future! OP I couldn’t stay learning about this not just because of the illness but also the fact he has effectively lied to you. What else is he withholding from you you need to ask yourself? Also why was he throwing the meds out has he stopped taking them which is a massive concern.

Who says he is certain about their long term.future?

No - you don’t have to disclose on a first date but as you start to consider getting serious you absolutely do.

They should have discussed how long he has been stable, did he has any hospital admissions, did he have psychosis, what are the warning signs and what previous episodes look like.

If you have a child with someone who has Schizophrenia they have 10% chance of also developing it.

So yes - they DO have to disclose to a potential serious partner

I think you should ask those questions if they are important to you. Do you have any SMIs that our potential children could inherit?

Who says you do?

Do you mean that you think morally one should disclose?

Or is there a law I don't know of?