Distraught after finding out that he hid a serious mental health condition

[Notadrool]

My bf deliberately lied to me about a serious mental health condition (schizophrenia). He never told me about it, and I found out by chance and it caused a massive row.

As we were packing up things (and throwing out a lot) I was surprised when he didn’t want me to go through some “boring” bathroom and medication box in his bedroom. I thought it was strange that he wanted to do it alone but didn’t think too much of it until I noticed that he threw what looked like medication boxes into one of the black bin bags. I checked later and googled the products and we had a big fight because I feel that was an absolute ass hiding this from me and that I should have known. He claims that there was no need because he is fine and there was never any reason to bring it up. I know nothing about this illlness apart from what I googled but said that it can’t be that fine if he is throwing out medication instead of taking it. He said that it’s old stuff that he stopped taking as he had been put on something different which is why it was still in the box.

I can accept that this is most likely true but for me it’s still a massive breach of trust not to have told me about this. I don’t expect someone to share every detail of their lice with their partner but this is serious I think that I should have been told so I can at least learn about it

I left and he hasn’t texted or called, which makes me even more upset because he clearly doesn’t even care. Things were good and there was no need to keep it unless he thinks that I’m completely shallow. FWIW I have a mental health condition too but I was upfront about it from the start.

I don’t even know where to go from here. I’ve texted a friend and will meet her tomorrow because I just want to wrap my head around it. I feel like such an idiot and I’m absolutely disappointed.

Absolutely. It's a shame that people may be ignorant about schizophrenia - but also, some people are just risk-averse and would prefer to form a relationship with someone who doesn't have a pre-existing condition that can be serious, whether physical or mental. Everyone is entitled to be as picky as they like when it comes to relationships.

The thing for me is that I don't understand why someone would want to be in a relationship with a person who they think would break up if they knew the truth. It seems very unhealthy for the person with the condition to be willing to lie, withhold, and be with a person they think wouldn't accept them for who they are - and then of course, on top of that, it's controlling and abusive to the other person. It's harmful to everyone involved.

This in a nutshell.

Hope your meet up with him went well (I presume it was today?).

Have you decided if you are going to continue with the relationship or finish it with him?

Yes we met up and we will stay together. I understand why he didn’t tell me and he understands why this had upset me.

If you're too ignorant to properly evaluate information without bias then people won't tell you things. Best not to come off that way and people might trust you.

Ah, so you think it's okay to withhold information from a relationship partner because you think it will cause them to break up with you? That's very controlling and abusive, you know.

It doesn't matter how ignorant someone is, the issue is that you are willing to lie by omission to ensure that someone continues to have sex with you, when you think they'd break up if they knew the truth.

That's the behaviour of a rapist, frankly.

Besides, you shouldn't be in a longterm committed relationship with someone you can't trust. And OP already told him about her BPD, so he had very little reason to believe she'd be ignorant or judgemental anyway. He had every reason to tell her right then, and no good reason to try to hide it indefinitely. It's a massive red flag.

I've said many times the onus is on both people. However, the fact remains that if you come across like you are too ignorant to evaluate information, people won't bother tell you things. They'll decide whether it is worth it.

But if someone is not comfortable telling me, I'm probably not the right person for them anyway.

Absolutely. The lying by omission would have me calling it a day, regardless of what the lie was about. If I can't trust someone to be honest with me/they can't trust me to be honest with... What's the point?

That's true. But that isn't how people work. They won't always make the best decisions for themselves and when that involves you, they'll just choose what they want you to know and what they don't. I learned this the hard way as a very young adult and it was very likely because the person thought if they told me, I would have been single-minded about how to proceed so she chose not to tell me.

Stigma definitely exists in wider society but in this specific situation, op disclosed her mh condition around which there is a lot of stigma, and that would have been the perfect opportunity for him to disclose his medical history too.

I think people should disclose what is usually a life long condition. Especially one where without ongoing medical treatment, the risk of relapse is high. And if you are having sex and there is any chance of passing it on. That is basic courtesy.

Op I am glad that you and your bf are talking about this but I wouldn’t be in too much of a rush to forgive personally. Would he have disclosed if your contraception had failed? I think what he has done is quite irresponsible.

Especially given that OP was open and vulnerable with him, and trusted him with the details of her stigmatised condition. The schizophrenia probably wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but that lie by omission, controlling nature, and lack of trust would be.

The OP in this situation disclosed that she also had a stigmatised condition – do you really think that she came across as 'too ignorant to evaluate information'?

Also, it sounds like what you're saying isn't 'too ignorant to evaluate information', it's more like, 'if I think this information could cause you to break up with me, even for good reason, I'll withhold it'. After all, there are many well informed, carefully evaluated reasons that a person might not want to be with someone with schizophrenia, and they have a right to make that choice.

Again, that deliberate withholding in order to prevent the person from breaking up, is abusive. After all, what kind of decent person would want to remain in a committed relationship with someone who they're lying to, and controlling, because they don't trust them and don't want them to be able to make an informed decision? It's fucked up, put simply.

What is making you think that the OP is too ignorant to be told about his diagnosis?

Also let’s imagine this guy has a partner ‘who is too ignorant’ (NOT the OP) and he doesn’t tell her. Then one day, he has a crisis. Because he will. No one with a diagnosis of schizophrenia goes through life as if they have no MH illness. Then what?
His partner wont know what to do. Wont understand what’s going on. Will feel betrayed yet guilty of not being able to help.
Long term, how is that going to help that man??

If you’re planning a life with someone am afraid any medical condition needs to be disclosed because it will affect the future family in one way or another ie schizophrenia is genetic and could be passed to your offsprings you need to be aware of this. So are other numerous medical conditions. If he had to have a psychosis episode and his wife didn’t know about the cause as it wasn’t disclosed at the start of the relationship????!that will be ridiculous

Let’s hope for your sake you have done your research and understand the illness and how to live with it going forward. I’m praying for you that it doesn’t pass onto any children you may have.

So, you are projecting your own experience onto everyone else? You had a particular experience when you were younger, and now you’re assuming that the same thing applies universally? No.

That clearly doesn’t fit the OP’s situation at all. She had already told him about her own mental health issues, which necessarily involved making herself vulnerable and acknowledging the stigma associated with BPD/EUPD. So why on earth would he then assume that she was simply “ignorant” about mental health?

If anything, she had already demonstrated that she understood mental health struggles on a personal level and had trusted him enough to be open about them. Your assertion that she might be* “ignorant” *therefore makes very little sense in the context of what she had actually told him.

I would like to confirm that I’m neither ignorant not naive, but I’m not sure why this is even still being debated

If you never ever suspected there was anything concerning regarding his mental health, I kind of feel like it shouldn't matter that much.

If he was experiencing distressing symptoms and claiming they were unexplained that would be annoying. But he's the same person now as he was before you found out?

But it's fair enough to end it as well.

I will add to this, as it’s a really really important point. Patients with schizophrenia have what is called “Anosognosia”; they aren’t in some sort of denial they’re ill, or that they can’t recognise they’re behaving differently to others…they have absolutely no perception that the distorted version of the world/ people they experience isn’t real. Their version of world is the world. It’s not unusual beliefs…it is the truth to them. If they have paranoia they will also believe that others are ill….or drugs are controlling them etc …it is what makes drug compliance so very difficult with schizophrenia

the antipsychotics are a very large hammer to crack small nuts unfortunately…andI speak as someone who was carer for husband for 10 years on them, and also worked in manufacturing the same drugs. The side effects cumulate over time ( weight gain, increased risk of diabetes, numbing emotions, increasing apathy) , even on lower doses. Frankly on the face of it patients often “feel” better without them. My husband sort of “woke up” when he stopped.. But, without them psychosis is a whisper away ( literally if they hear voices). That can escalte into full blown crisis. My now exh waking was accompanied by increased voices, delusions and unpredictable behaviour. Hence why he is exh. His choice to stop taking them, my choice to walk away from a 30 year marriage. I didn’t want to return to first 10 years of his illness when it wasn’t diagnosed.

the issue here is standard “care in community “ is effectively “ drug and dump”..a lot of patients are only seen annually by psychologist, relatives or partners or friends get sucked into acting as CPN and 24/7/365 carers. Until the patient stops meds, they go into crisis, mental health teams step up for a few weeks, they go back onto meds and rinse and repeat.

I would be asking to read his care plan and see the latest prescription for antipsychotics or walking away unfortunately.

but then I am now older and wiser having lived with someone with this for 20 years of 30 year marriage. Hope gets snuffed out eventually. It is a shitty disease. It effects the patient who doesn’t know it, and it effects everyone that cares for them/loves them

I'm very sorry you - and your husband - went through this. It is such a shitty disease, and the healthcare system is not sufficient.

it’s not stigma that people who have cared for or been in relationships with individuals with schizophrenia say to not get involved. Its experience

sadly

30 year marriage. Last 20 years exh was ill, not diagnosed till 10 years into that. I tried to stay in that marriage. I couldn’t in the end. I also ended up with PTSD as consequence .

read the stats about what happens to partners/spouses in relationships with people who have “severe and enduring mental illness”. 90% impacted by undue burden causing mental illness in those carers. Most intimate relationships don’t not survive that.

So, no, it’s not bloody well like cancer…for all you are that are trying to whataboutery. At least if you are carer for someone with cancer they 1. Know they’re ill 2. Mostly we know exactly when they are unwell dueto physical tests being available 3. get offered some actual treatment, at least to begin with 4. They are usually aware that close family and friends are there to help and support them, and are conscious of that, rather than believing those people are merely controlling them. 5. They tend to be more open about compliance with meds…6. They don’t tend to get it in their heads to hate you and believe you are malevolent 7. Aren’t completely dependent on you for their “ executive function”

yes, I’m sorry for all those with cancer, or carers of cancer patients..but generally the pervading experience is that it’s a far worse, by a very long margin, to be a carer/partner of someone with schizophrenia.

And the lack of executive function plus the delusional thinking, often spiralling in ever decreasing circles onto you is why intimate relationships don’t survive if you are carer for someone with severe and enduring mental illness. It doesn’t take violence. And it’s nowt to do with stigma.

we’re not talking about stigma in wider population. We’re discussing specifically a women who finds her intimate partner has schizophrenia.

No you’re definitely not naive or ignorant.

Wishing you both all the very best 😊💐

I’m sorry to post over 3 posts here. This thread is almost making me cry. The utter bollocksof the “be kind ” brigade combined with the awful predicament the poster, and others who’ve experienced relationships with someone with schizophrenia.

As I said in earlier posts, 30 years of marriage, first 10 he was fine, then 10 years of volatile, chaotic, unpredictable and sometimes abusive behaviour. He knew he was not himself sometimes, I knew he was ill somehow. Not obviously psychotic. No GP realised. Eventually,10 years into it, full psychosis, and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Drug taken mainly for those 10 years. Stopped. Lied, deceived and gaslit me for 6 months. Frankly didn’t realise he was capable of that. Now exh. His choice to not take meds. But his choice to deceive and lie rather than to tell me and psychiatrist up front. Loss of trust is what meant I had to break the marriage. It was safeguarding issue.

and that’s the first important thing, OP. He has not been honest with you. You will never ever know whether he complies with any meds, no matter how ill he is (short of being sectioned which is surprisingly unusual in England) . Not unless you treat him like a child and stand over him while he takes them. And as intimate partner that isn’t your job.

OP, for a while, years ago, I went to a carers support group.not for long. I was ground down with misery and hopelessness of carers there without exception. A lot of them said “ leave now..no point staying..”. I simply didn’t want to hear that. Why not? I was taken in by that insidious little emotion we call “hope”

i “hoped” his condition would be stable. I “hoped” he would be compliant with meds. I mostly “hoped” we could get back to our emotional intimacy, friendship and partnership of the first 10 years of our marriage.

”hope” is the enemy. It stops us doing something difficult. Making the difficult decisions that something has to change.

our marriage, the physical and emotional intimacy, changed irreparably when he became ill and this illness took away his executive function, consumed him in delusions thoughts, voices, that painted me as the enemy when there was no longer anyone else around to “hang” his delusions on.

there was literally only me in the end. I was sole carer, sole breadwinner, sole parent to our dc, domestic servant. I became only his carer, parent, CPN, observer for psychiatric updates. And yes, we’re not biologically attracted to people we have to care for. Clever little piece of evolution that. Intimacy was lost. I was never so rejected and lonely. I lost my deepest supporter, lover, and friend

don’t let “hope” override those gut instincts that he can’t be trusted. Don’t let hope make you listen to the “be kind” brigade with their “ would you feel the same if he had cancer”. Go now, while you can. You will not survive intact if you stay and make your future with him.

sorry to be so dramatic OP. I don’t tend to post on these threads much these days. It’s 9 years on. I’ve had a lot of great therapy for PTSD. But it’s still sad.

@Limehawkmoth Im still reading so please don’t feel like your words are falling on deaf ears. I hope they aren’t because my decisions aren’t always the best but I’m not as stupid as I used to be.
And I’m very sorry for everything that you went through.

This is a tough one. My (half-)sibling put us through hell (genetic in their case) for over a decade. Police, suicide attempts, violence, accusing relatives of horrible crimes, the works. When they found someone really lovely, our mother (their carer basically) debated whether it was ethical to withhold the information. My sibling ended up being upfront and honest, which probably lead to the breakup.

Schizophrenia is horrible but it all depends on whether it's genetic or drug-induced.

My sibling had a relapse every two years. I'd ask him how long he's been stable. If it's been five years and he visits a psychiatrist regularly then that's fine. FWIW, I would not have children with him if it runs in his family.

I would not appreciate being left in the dark however. If he'd relapsed, you would not have known what was going on for weeks, which could have been terrifying.