Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

Ex partner.

It's a terrible response to a potentially abused, emotionally vulnerable and coerced woman.

I go out in public with no underwear, but it's usually because I've not done any laundry for ages. I must say my other half doesn't find this sexy at all.

Love you lots if you do xyz
Till the next batch of fucked up ideas
Formulate in his tiny brain.

He should love you for you
Not being a weird sex experiment object.

There are some good ideas in this OP.
September will give you a breathing space to consider your options.

Realistically is the sulking, and the horrible demands going to get any better, what would it be like next year, in five years if it doesnt?

I think you need some RL support from somewhere. Maybe do a search on line for local groups/places... parenting groups with children who have similar needs to your son.. Women's Aid to talk about how to deal with the behaviour? People on here may have better suggestions of where to get some support if you don'thave relatives.. and where you might get some help to work on your self esteem (someone made a comment about that.. which I think was very unfair because its clearly his treatment of you that has done this. )
Maybe visit your GP and ask for help with the sleeping, they may be able to recommend some local help with managing your son's condition which would help you sleep.

It might be worth asking if they have any jobs going at the school. You'd be able to pick up and drop off, and you'd have the school holidays. Also you'd have a bit of money coming in and even if it wasn't your dream job, possibly it would help with references for better jobs as the children get older and more independent.

Finally, and I don't want to upset you, but from the way your DH has been talking,I think I would follow the money. Is he always broke? In debt? uses up family savings? Because I think his addiction could lead to other addictions and really, that's not going to help you bring up your children. Every pound he squanders on online porn or other things, is a pound that could be benefitting your children instead.

He’s already asked me to sleep with someone else

That would him out the door so quickly his feet won't touch....grim, really grim

You know what they say about people that assume? I am a woman and a regular poster on this site. This is the third implication I have had that I must be male because I don’t see things the same way you do. I have carried and birthed children. I am married. Happily.

I asked the OP whether she loved her husband and wanted to remain in the marriage. I suggested compromise if she did.

That might look like “Hey, there’s loads of research on the effects of lack of sleep on libido in women, I’m happy to try and find some common ground in spicing up our sex life but I need more support from you to make that feasible. BTW I have a hard boundary around sleeping with other men or indirectly involving the children in titillation”.

Honestly just get rid of him.
What sort of father / partner is he really!

He also has a porn addiction I suspect, but that’s the least of the issues in this marriage.

You deserve better op x

well thats escalated from walking round with no knickers on.... why has it taken this long to actually come out with what hes requesting?

Have you looked on entitledto website to see what your income and benefits would be without him in the house with you? You'd get help with your rent, carers allowance, your child's dla for his needs, universal credit, etc.

Honestly you need to get shot of him. He won't get better and this is an awful way to live.

He sounds very self centered and unrealistic. Your needs and wishes are just important as his and clearly he isn't inspiring you that much. Is he trying to do anything about that?

Sounds like he has serious Dad issues too. Honestly, the more you give in the more he will expect

😂😂😂😂 god i love this place

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My ex used to make me have a shower if I farted anytime near sex, like during the evening before when he expected it.

Jesus. Sorry you had to deal with such an abusive prick. 💐

Divorce this porn-sick misogynist twat.

Thank you, at the time it seemed almost normal and I complied so he didn’t kick off and upset the children who were asleep. That was only a small part of the abuse. Eventually I divorced him thank goodness.

God he sounds utterly repulsive!

Apart from everything else- and it’s a lot, he sounds like he has far too much time on his hands as a father of 3. He’s expecting all these outfits and performances from you, what’s he doing? Apart from being utterly pathetic and repulsive.

Which leads me onto ask how much practical parenting does he do? Because longer term if you were to break up with him is he likely to have regular contact with the children? This would give you some much needed respite. A child with high needs like autism is exhausting and in my experience you should always take what you can get. I used to spend most of my child free weekends when my dickhead ex had our kids sleeping. Once you get the ick it’s hard to come back from that. You might be better off getting shot of this loser- put a stop to his demands and you might hopefully get some time off the clock when he has the kids.

How about considering that you’d be better suited to someone who actually cares about you.

Please don’t focus on his needs and how you’re not meeting them and what would suit him better.

Think about what would suit YOU - and realise it’s not him by about a million miles.

It’s the ‘normal ness’ that’s the entire problem imo.

on this thread we’ve had a good half dozen posters completely ignoring how awful the bloke is, ignoring how he does nothing for her, but talking about what she should do to make it better.

daily on mumsnet we have a thread with some variation of ‘my dh does this awful thing, anyone else?’ as if that as long as everyone else’s ‘d’h is doing the awful thing, that it’s absolutely fine.

to give it to men, they have produced a phenomenal marketing campaign to convince women that is it they that have the problem if they don’t perform like pornstars. Whilst they walk around farting with beer bellies leaving skids on the loo.

Dinoderry: I asked the OP whether she loved her husband and wanted to remain in the marriage. I suggested compromise if she did.

Compromise is only worthwhile when both parties listen to each other, respect each other and are working towards the same goal.

This dickhead has made it abundantly clear that he does not respect OP, doesn't care what she wants or how she's doing, and does he even care about the relationship? Who knows - he just wants to fill his grubby little boots. He's not mature enough to work on a compromise.

OP you deserve so much more. He has unrealistic expectations for your sex life and no consideration for how you feel.

Porn plays such a large in male attitudes towards sex. Completely ruined sex.

Sounds like your DH has a porn addiction. My ex did. I always knew he watched it and he pressured me to do kinky things. Once I left him (he was emotionally abusive and it started to escalate), he admitted he had a porn addiction and had been watching loads more. He started not coming on family day trips and even missed his own daughter’s birthday party - he admitted he had been at home watching porn. I’m just waiting for affairs etc. to surface. But the increased nastiness in his behaviour correlated with the porn addiction and increased use of porn.

I think it dehumanises women for so many men, and we’re already dehumanised by society.

I hope you can find a future for yourself that is easier than this current set up. It sounds like you have so much on your plate already, without a man baby crying for sex too.

This is so true. It’s like we as women seek validation that something awful our husbands are doing is normal , to make it somehow acceptable when it’s not