Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

What a grotesque little toad of a cuck this man is.

I would rather have a three way with Grayson Perry and Clarkson than fuck this pathetic, abusive, weak man.

Hate men like this and unfortunately there are so many of them around these days. Last one of mine was like this. Wanna be rapist.

LTB. You'll be so much happier!

Leave him. Leave him and live as you want to. Outfits??! Tell him to fuck off.

He says that he will be obsessed with me and so in love with me and stuff if I do the stuff he wants

So to paraphrase, the real you isn’t enough for him and never will be if you don’t do this for him.

He’s not in love with you for who you really are. Obsessive love is for teenagers. That’s exactly how he’s behaving. Real love is being a team, admiring and respecting your partner as they are, viewing your partner as a multifaceted fully human being and not an object. I couldn’t get past this level of immaturity @Mummysclubhouse . You are going through one of the most difficult phases of your life, the childrearing phase, especially with very young ones, one of which requires extra support. Instead of throwing himself into sharing the load like a mature adult, he’s acting like a 14 year-old boy. I couldn’t look at him without getting the ick. I’d lose all respect for him and I’m not sure I’d ever regain it. You’ve clearly tried to talk to him and explain why this doesn’t work for you, but it’s falling on deaf ears. It’s not going to get any better now you know what he really wants and know that you can’t and won’t fulfil it. He won’t be satisfied with the marriage as it is and will secretly try to get his kicks somewhere else. I don't see how this can be resolved OP. You need to realistically think about what your life will look like if you split. How will you manage to coparent? What support will you have, etc. I think you have a difficult decision to make.

I understand your position and wouldn't want my kids being treated badly by an abusive man either but just want to make clear, wouldn't be because of YOU.

His behaviour is all on him, not you.

He's responsible for how he reacts and behaves to a reasonable request to parent his own children.

Too easy.

You announce what would really work for you is if he also looked like a porn star. He needs to book himself in for a full back / sack / crack wax, start lifting weights and lose a stone. Then you might be in the mood (you won’t!) You’ll consider inviting Darren from down the pub into the relationship as you’ve done a bit of research into this cuckolding thing. He’s apparently a whizz at DIY and great in the kitchen. In fact perhaps he could move in and you could role play “house husband does the dishes” before taking him up to bed while “D”P moves into the spare room and has a sad wank.

Tell him of course you'll give him the porn star treatment, just as soon as he gets the body of an Adonis and is hung like a stallion.

Wanting her to go out without underwear on an outing with their kids in order to titillate him is fucking shameful.

Haha. Yeah this is great. Also question why his penis is less than half the size of all the ones you've seen in a porno?! 🤣🤣

What a disgusting pervert he is. Please LTB. I felt sick reading that.

This relationship is over. He’s disgusting. Sorry OP, you deserve better. Sex pest!

How many threads have I read this week where men will be “obsessed and so in love” if OP just gives in to their tiny little it’s nothing really fetish 🙄 who are these men?!

OP I’m assuming you’re fairly young if he’s the only man you’ve ever slept with and you’ve only been together 13 years? You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on this dickhead any longer.

My exh was similar..
When we split he met a lovely lass. Our ds were found watching a porn dvd under 10yo..
They indulged in wife swapping parties.
She left him -and married-his best mate !
Karma at it's best.

Tmi alert.
At our court round the table meeting he announced for 1 he wasn't violent, and 2 our married failed because we weren't close..
Because I refused to let him change my tampons.
And then he tried to punch me across the table.
Because I'd reported him for drink driving.

Get rid op.
My mh is still shot and I left in 1999

@Mummysclubhouse my ex husband pestered and sulked multiple times a day if I didn’t take part in sex every single occasion he approached it.

before the marriage ended I was actually keeping a diary of each day we had sexual contact (crazy I know) so i could in some way justify that we do have regular sex when the inevitable ‘you’re frigid, are you a lesbian, you need to go the Dr’ bollocks started.

no hug could ever just be that and in the end I was so repulsed by him that I avoided talking to him

The marriage ended when I met someone else who made me feel like a person in my own right. I didn’t have an affair, I just left him.

it’s only when you’re out of that situation that you realise the problem is him, no matter how he makes you feel insufficient, it’s him.

you’re life will be so much better without him and I think the only reason you agree to him staying is because he helps with the kids - but what about you and your life?

OP it made me so sad when you said you're not 'that sort of person'. You don't have to be any sort of person other than the one you are.

Sending love and strength.

OP, I have vanilla sex. That's what I like. Just want to reassure you that it's perfectly normal to have normal sex without a bunch of step-dad fantasies and costumes involved. People with kinks are often the loudest but that doesn't mean they're the majority.

Given all your laughing emojis op, I expect this thread with its fairly unanimous understanding that this man is an abusive vile prick, has come as a bit of a shock. You’ve taken the first step to realising it, which is good. You and your children will be much much better off without him.

Not sure the premise of this message @UpDownAllAround1 , I hope it’s applauding women trying to help a woman who is struggling and being abused, because that’s all I’m seeing here ?

Who is this absolute joker ffs.

Wow, if ever there was a red flag...

Dump his manipulative, porn-addled arse. You'd be better off alone than with this bullshit.

Tell him your fantasy man is an equal coparent who pulls his weight at home without being asked. When he's a bit closer to fulfilling your fantasy you might feel a bit more like being his!!

For me, this is mumsnet at its best. Women supporting women. Helping women - who’ve been gaslit/socialised in to believing their role in life is to make a man happy, never stopping to think if he’s meeting their needs - understand that this just isn’t good enough. Vile, selfish behaviour from men is too normalised in our society.

OP you are more than good enough 💐 This did make me laugh "If I fart which I have done a few times in my sleep he ignores me for a day cos it puts him off 🤣" I would get rid, he's a menace, sex pest, until then I'd eat plenty of Brussel sprouts every day, mushy peas and whatever else makes me blow air. You're allowed to fart, and I would be hitting the Guinness book of records for as long as he was under the same roof as me

If my husband was as childish, inconsiderate and repulsive as this one then no, I wouldn't.

Tell me you see women as support humans without etc etc etc...