Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

Horrible . He has no idea about the toll raising children has and even if f he did he cannot expect you to be a pornstar if it’s not naturally you . I think I’d bin him on ff tbh , nothing worse than a sex pest .

What is he asking you to do exactly? There's a difference between sitting on his face and full on dominatrix etc

Surprising him with me being in outfits and stuff when he walks in, going out in public (when we have our kids) wearing no underwear that kind of thing . Like it’s nothing bad but I honestly spend sooooo much time being a mum and trying to deal with my youngest, I can’t even be fucked at this point! Sorry for the pun

No it isn’t I’ve slept with one person my whole life and that’s him. I’m genuinely not that type of person no matter how much I try. I feel kind of guilty well used to now I really don’t care

yes, I think you should split with him as he doesn’t sound very nice frankly. First off not marrying someone and expecting them to have your children is disrespectful. Secondly it doesn’t sound like he does his share of parenting at all which is lazy, selfish and sexist. Thirdly, he seems to view you as an object. This is not one of the good ones.

No I get it and I had 3 and was worn out for years. I just wasn't sure if it was a proper weird thing that was giving you the ick entirely (some of the stuff some men on this site want their partners to do is insane)

Just politely tell him to back off, it took until our youngest was 5 ish and sleeping through before I really had the energy to explore sex properly again

Dump him.

I am so sick of selfish, porn sick, immature men who have no respect for their partners and don't value the fact that a woman has gone through pain to birth children and will sacrifice so much of her life to care for kids and raise them.

Leave him to his porn videos and focus on yourself and your kids.

‘No matter how much I try’ . I expect your whole relationship has been you trying to keep him happy, whilst he does absolutely nothing in return to keep you happy. You’ve had enough now but he’s so used to it, he believes he’s entitled to it.

He sounds awful OP, I don't blame you at all for being completely fed up with him.

He's full of what you ought to do for him - have you tried hitting him with some of the things HE could do for YOU? Like taking the kids out for the day to give you some down time?

Porn has warped his brain. Women are just sex objects to him.
And if you did do the things he is asking you to do then he would soon get bored and would be expecting you to do more and more extreme things.
There is nothing wrong with you. He, on the other hand, is incapable of having a normal relationship with a real life woman.
Honestly OP do you really want to stay in a relationship with a man who sees you as a sex provider and nothing else?

Why is he putting all the responsibility on you? What’s he going to take off your plate so you can add prepping for swinging from the ceiling to your day?

I think you need to flip it on him. How does HE stack up to those porn actors? Is he buff, waxed, can he hold you against the wall, flip you over, carry on for 40 minutes etc etc? No? Isnt that funny. I didnt think so. What a pratt!!!

I think you should go on a "housewife & mother" strike. As soon as he gets in from work either go out (and ideally stay at a friend's)or stay in your bedroom (alone) and leave him in charge of the kids, food etc. Do not bath the kids, put them to bed, let him get up in the night etc.Do nothing. After a week, ask him how sexy he feels.

He’s already asked me to sleep with someone else (from what I’ve researched it’s called cuck holding or smth?) that was a hard NO. He sulked for days. Still brings it up now.

i just feel like he would be better suited with someone who shares the same sexual mind as him 🤷🏻‍♀️

he does ALOT with our older 2, with our youngest however I take the reins for most of it. Which is hard cos the older two are older, easier.
i struggle with my youngest cos the way he is.

Porn desensitises men so they’re no longer aroused and fulfilled by normal, loving, sensual sex. Your body and your relationship should be enough for him as it is, without having to sexualise it with outfits, role plays, etc.

I’d start to reframe it in your head as well as his that he needs to address his porn issue rather than laying the fault at your door.

Thats irrelevant. He’s trying to force her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. That’s very rapey, no means no.

What a dickhead, the idea that you would be doing this and getting in the mood whilst walking your kids round the park is utterly grim.

I wouldn’t do this with the kids , I’ve done it with the house then I got bored an fed up with the state of it. But as bad as it sounds I don’t want him being stroppt with the kids cos of me

Exactly my point , it’s like talking to a wall

He says that he will be obsessed with me and so in love with me and stuff if I do the stuff he wants .

so all sounds like conditional love if I’m being honest

I couldn’t live like this OP. I’m a mom of 3 DC very close in age, also one on the spectrum, and the earlier years were just exhausting. To have my “D”H putting pressure on me for that would have sent me over the edge.

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

This is what I say and he insists he doesn’t watch porn. He does I’ve found it, but he’s only put it on for a split second never actually wanked to it 🤣

So he WON'T love you if you don't do it?

Sounds like your relationship is over. (Oh, and by the way, he's lying. If you do do what he wants he will just up the ante and want more and more extreme stuff).