Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

It’s hard , I cry everyday. It’s not even 9am and I’ve been in tears 3 times today already , it’s soooo hard and he’s my only support network as his fuckwit family don’t believe in autisim and all that crap

God these men never grow up and realise they're not the centre of your universe once you have kids. You can do everything in the world for them but you're not acting like their personal pornstar so it's not enough! So boring, I'd much rather be alone and not have to deal with the sulking.

How does he know what goes on in porn if he never watches it?

OK this takes it over the line for me. If he's wanting to pimp you out and force you into sexual contact you dont want, and then sulk about it / try to punish you by his behaviour for not complying, then its abuse. A loving man does not do this. Its not a harmless fantasy or a lull in your sex life in the context of the long term otherwise loving relationship, this is now coercive and unpleasant. Please dont even consider giving in to this, you will find it very hard to live with yourself.

Wel he says he does but that’s what would make him really happy apparently , oh yes the requests are coming in.
Us having sex and me fantasising about shagging his step dad without him knowing is one of them.

In was gonna give in to keep him happy but then I thought why should I live like that

It’s time to chuck this one back

I say exactly this!

I could buy him 1000 cars and he still wouldn’t be happy if I’m not being his pornstar. Apparently it’s normal and most women would do it for their partners , well bloody go find one now cos I’ve had enough

So I’m guessing he’s also like some porn star stallion if he’s expecting this of you? Maybe it’s worth pointing out to him that this (unrealistic) is what you also expect from him. Might make him see how unrealistic it is.

In all your responses op, you put yourself down. Please stop! Reframe. It is YOU that deserves better, not him.

Yeah don’t put yourself down like this OP. No women want a porn addict, sex pest for a partner. He’s supremely unattractive. Frankly you’re kind of putting other women down by suggesting other women might be happy with being coerced into his porno fantasies.

do I 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve never experienced a sexual relationship before so am I not enough like is it boring ?
Id love to be able to up my game but at the minute I live of energy drinks and pro plus cos in a week I get about 3/4 hours sleep 😩

Imagine a grown man thinking whinging is the way to a more exciting sex life.

Oh, he's SO far out of line. Yet another porn-addled twat with no ability to relate to real life and using emotional abuse to bully his partner about it.
Best thing you can do for your life will be leaving this idiot. If he's that good with the kids he'll have to step up and you'll get a bit of a break at least, plus life without trying to please an unsupportive prick is SO much easier anyway.

Honestly. He would give me such an ick. I’d be done.

wait till
meno and your unable to have sex due to pain or extreme lack of desire. Can’t take HRT
etc.
does he bring much else into the relationship?!

I’ve never actually thought of this 🤣 I might put it to him and see what he says , I bet he will say something like ‘ I can’t go on for that long cos your too boring’ or something

How does he know most women are doing this exactly. Is he saying this what his friends are telling him in which case you certainly aren't doing it for him to discuss with his friends or he thinks the por* he watches is real life and this is what happens in most relationships.

No I do say this.

i say women aren’t objects, they have periods etc.
If I fart which I have done a few times in my sleep he ignores me for a day cos it puts him off 🤣🤣 might fart my way round the house then he will be so put off then everything will disappear 🤣

But as for menopause , yep dreading it.
Women are a sex object to him as others have said before. I have said this to him, on multiple occasions

Just read your update. Reframe NOW because you need to look after yourself, no sleep is not sustainable as we all know. What you need is proper support, hopefully from external sources as it's not going to come from him. He's revolting, it's not you!!!!

Get rid, and see how much more headspace you have for yourself and your children.

Exactly this.

he thinks the porn he sees (but doesn’t watch) is real life

See? This constant worrying that you’re not good enough for him. Focus on the fact that he’s not good enough. He’s a coercive controlling, sulky, abusive, selfish, entitled, lazy, sexist, porn addled, gaslighting prick who uses words (which you fall for as you have low self esteem unfortunately) to get what he wants out of you. Look at his actions, not his words. If he loved you, he would see your exhaustion from his 3 year old, and help.

don't fart around the house
that's grim

What on Earth is he bringing to your life? It sounds like you have a lot on even before you factor in his demands. I would jettison him and let him go off and find the unrealistic sex life he thinks he is entitled to. He sounds revolting, Ick inducing and childish. Free yourself of him. He is a burden you do not need.

🙄

he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

So he's a cheating, porn addled prick, who pesters you to perform like a trained animal, and I bet isn't even good in bed but just expects it to be all about him, and you don't know any better because you've only ever slept with him.

Get rid. You'll both be happier (although who cares how he feels, frankly).

His stepdad, are you f-ing kidding me? I would be packing his bags for that alone. That is so wrong and sickening.
I would be booting his arse out the door if I were you. I was married to a man who had porn addiction issues for 23 years and regret I didn’t leave sooner. I’m in my 50s now, so much happier and have a lovely partner and our love life is wonderful.
I feel so sad for you OP. This really isn’t your issue to resolve.