Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

Tell him you'd like him to be a lot more Christian Gray. Especially the helicopter dates.

This is what coercive sexual control is.
Please talk to Women's aid and get this loser out of your home.
You deserve peace in your home.

He sounds like a sleaze.

God. If you can afford it, finish it. It won't change. You don't need him.

I love this idea. Tell him you’ve discovered you’re a dominatrix, put him in a French maid outfit and tell him to scrub the kitchen floor.

Exactly

What a absolute tool this man is. Who would want to tolerate this BS? Incest fantasies ffs nope nope nope.

And what lovely surprises is he doing for you exactly? My wotsit has clamped tight shut in solidarity with yours. Rather hilariously and ironically predictive text put that as "wetsuit"!

Im so sorry that the one person you are supposed to be able to be comfortable with,rely on,to understand you,to listen to you and to be concerned and protect your feelings etc. Is being a totally unrealistic, selfish, inconsiderate etc knob!....he is understandably putting you off sex,not encouraging more...talking to other women if he feels he's not getting what he needs!!!..cheating,betrayel ( doesn't matter if havnt met up) that's not going to make anyone feel in the mood or experimental..nagging you about it all the time..puts walls up,and makes you avoid it rather than doing it,especially as he sounds critical..and also asking you to have sex with someone else!!!! Fine if you are into that sort of thing,but hurtful if not! And probably trying to push things into swinging,so he can have sex with people, after all,you did!...More men should understand, for a woman,a mum,long term partner, being kind ,gentle considerate,helping with chores,giving you you time to chill,or do something for you,being affectionate without expecting it to go any further ,would get them more sex! ...and having young children, you do feel touched out by end of day....also you have the ramped up version,by having a young autistic child..I have autistic child,and it is exhausting on all levels,physically mentally emotionally..you also have the worry,and mourning about your child,about what their life is going to be like, how "normal" of a life are they going to have,versus the way you thought their life would be,and how it's going to looks as a family ...the mental, emotional strain is massive........sex is supposed to be a loving,fun close thing,for both involved, and.your husband has made sex such a big uncomfortable issue, I don't know if you will ever feel comfortable and free and not self conscious with him again....don't think I could

What a disgusting man, and its of course typical that it's all about what you should do for him, not making any suggestions or having even a scrap of interest in what he can do to make sex better for you. I'd ask him how he plans to to improve things for you, what outfits has he purchased? Maybe send him a list of things he needs to buy or work on to improve your sex life, and in the meantime, file for divorce.

TBF, that might be a good idea. I mean at least it would mean that he would do the housework for you and you would be able to whip him if he does/doesn't do a good enough job (depending on which motivates him more) for you.

Even if the ramifications of the family situation are lost on you, have you seen what he actually wants? And what he does when he doesn't get it? She refused to have sex with someone else and he sulked for days and is still complaining!

This isn't a caring partner trying to have a conversation about finding ways to be intimate with a challenging family situation involving several young children and autism. This is a fucking coercive pig who wants to punish her for not shagging other men. Do you actually understand this?

😂😂😂😂😂

Love that idea! 😂

Tell him he is your dog and must live outside. If he is good he will be allowed a bone

@Mummysclubhouse This.. Also, kick him in the balls and innocently claim you just assumed he'd like it rough.

On a serious note though, start making arrangements to leave.

I'm a mum to a 6 year old with autism, the early years were HARD and we only have one. He's 6 now. I'll be honest, our sex life is pret good now (together 18 years, only partners etc) but we both understand it's all phases. I could not have coped with my husband being the way yours is.

Us having sex and me fantasising about shagging his step dad without him knowing is one of them

I think this part is a lot more serious than expecting you to wear silly outfits. He's clearly after some humiliation and doesn't care about the risk that exposes you to. Having casual sex for women just doesn't carry the same risk as it does for men. No where near.

might fart my way round the house then he will be so put off then everything will disappear

Honestly I think this is a good idea in your situation. Might stop the pestering

You're not sexually compatible, and I think it goes beyond you being a mother - he wouldn't be compatible with a lot of childless women either.

Again a prince amongst men. Honestly when I think they can’t get any more repulsive I read another thread. There is nothing wrong with wanting to occasionally spice things up but he needs to realise he’s having the opposite effect on you.

Just dump him, he sounds grim.

Sod that, whose got time for that, especially with children. I wouldn't consider that, I would conclude that you're in different places with different priorities.. Sorry to read you're going through that. He sounds like a selfish dick head.

I haven't read everything.

I think what I assume you messaged him in your original OP, was a good shout. Put the ball in his court while you continue to juggle the important ones.

He's sounds utterly self obsessed and ill informed.

You say he's your only support. How is him pestering you, putting you down, and acting like a petulant teenager, help?

It sounds like you're going through a particularly difficult period in your life. You might find him not adding pressure brings a surprising amount of relief.

How old are you both?

Aside from him doing stuff with the older children, does he do much else?

If you could remove the nagging for "exciting" (to him) sex, how is the relationship in general?

Sorry this thread is grim but that is hilarious.

It shouldn't be too hard to get him out then. Crack on.

Poor you, OP. This is grim indeed. He would actually hate it if you had sex with someone else, it doesn't matter what he says about it now and how much he thinks he'd enjoy watching/joining in. As for fantasising about his step father - where do you start to analyse that one? Freud would have a field day with it. I suppose you could pretend to be doing that but how would he know? Do you routinely discuss any sexual fantasies you might be having when you're actually getting down 'n' dirty? It doesn't sound like you do, so you could fantasise about (insert name of man of your choice) whle pretending to H that it was step dad, but why should you? Why enmesh yourself in that layer of cognitive thought, which is the enemy of sexual enjoyment anyway, for H's benefit?And how tricky would family gatherings be if you'd had to describe sexy stuff with step dad to your H the night before? I'm cringing writing those words, it's just so awful.

He has totally unrealistic expectations of you and he needs to rein them in but I don't know how you set about it, it doesn't sound like he's very receptive to reality.

I think losing 12-14 stone (or whatever he weighs) would be far more effective for your mental health really. What a prize dickhead.

Few questions:
You say he is your only partner. Did you get together young? Did he have partners before you? Has he always been like this? Does he sexually satisfy you? Has he ever strayed in the relationship?
Not sure how old either of you are but it seems to be common for men between 40-50 to have some sort of midlife crisis. In the past they would get a piercing and buy a sports car but now adays they seem to all want to try out every sexual kink they see on porn!
Now I like a bit of porn myself and me and my partner like to try out new things but only what we both think might be interesting or fun and we aren't stupid enough to believe at our age we can swing from the rafters!
Sometimes it's about trying something a little different and fun (toys, cushions, waterproof sheets, glow in the dark paints) etc rather than anything too hard core as let's be fair the missionary gets a bit dull after a while.
Now I think a bit of li ing sexual experimentation is normal but ur husband has taken things way too far and is in the abusive section of things. I know it must be scary but seriously think about separating and finding yourself a fulfilling loving relationship