Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

I think it might be time to throw this idiot back OP. I bet he does fuck all around the house?

I agree with this.

He sounds immature, selfish and a bit gross. His sulking and entitlement is bordering on abusive. His demands
speak to a relationship devoid of emotional intimacy. I think you may have to consider whether this will work for you long term

Like many abusive men, he subconsciously sees you as his mother because your role in his life is more maternal, looking after him and your other kid, than it is a partnership of equals. He subconsciously wants to use you to explore repressed feelings and trauma that he has about his mother - namely a sense that she emotuonally abandoned him to pursue a relationship with step father. His fantasy is a way of regaining a lost sense of control in that situation and of actually feeling included where in real lufe he felt excluded and powerless. He felt unwanted by his mother so he is desperate for you to demonstrate your desire for him. Unfortunately, because he has placed himaelf in the role of upur child, you are unable to desire him because that is emotionlly incestuous. If you want to maintain a relationship with him I would do two things. 1. I would try to make him consciously aware of the subconscious emotions fuelling his fantasy - ie I would explain to him that he is trying to work through childhood pain relating to his relationship with his mother. Try to talk to him about those painful childhood feelings. 2. Stop acting like his mother - this is playing into the twisted dynamic. You need to stop overfunctioning and mothering him. Go out, develop your own independence and interests and make him pull his weight with the house and child. Treat him like an equal and not a dependent.

Well he can fuck right off ....

Literally nothing I’ve said is remotely groundbreaking.

If you love your husband and want to remain in the marriage look for a compromise that works for you both.

The fact that that is being met with ridicule is revealing.

@dinoderry I booted my own porn addled husband out and now have a perfectly wonderful all round life with a normal man, who respects and cares for me. If Dino stands for dinosaur , that’s a perfect user name for you. Stop derailing this thread and let us support OP, you sad little ‘man’.

I agree with this suggestion. Take out your frustration with his icky requests. I suspect you might enjoy this!

It’s funny how many men suddenly say no when women say that 😂

I am far from vanilla but anal is my absolute no go. When I am in the early stages of speaking with a man I straight up ask what do you like sex wise because it’s important we are on the same page, and if he mentions anal I am off as I have zero intention of being harassed into doing it, however every now and again I will come across a man who decides to try and convince me “it’s not that bad and you might like it” to which I then respond, how about you let me don a thick 8inch strap on, bend you over and you willingly oblige?

Suddenly its oh no I don’t want that done on me, or nah I am not gay, so I say well if you lead the way with it, showing me how nice it is after I peg you then I will follow… needless to say they then agree we aren’t compatible 😂😂

Men always seem to want to do BS to women but when it comes to a woman suggesting the same thing it’s then a huge problem. So basically it’s ok to harass and inflict pain on the woman but not on you🙄

Comments like yours have been only apply to good healthy relationships with decent men. This one isn’t because the op doesn’t have a decent man. So what you would do if you were in a good relationship is both meaningless, but worse, exacerbates the ops damaging need to see what she can do better.

Ok then Terry, what does it reveal?

I’m happy for you, and glad that you are enjoying a wonderful life. That is what I wish for the OP.

I am not a sad little man. I’m a happily married woman with young children.

I have offered advice to the OP as pretty much everyone else here has. You don’t have to agree with my opinion but as this is a forum, I’m entitled to add mine.

Send him out for a long long RUN.

Sounds like he does not see you as a human being but simply as a female body that should be there for him to make demands to perform for him. He does not seem to understand or even try to understand the complexities of your life and the fact that they are his children too

It sounds as if he doesn't respect you.

Respect is of the utmost importance because if someone does not respect you-something which is shown by words and actions-then it is impossible for them to love you.

If they don't love you, then they speak to and treat you dismissively or like shit.

Do you think you are worthy of respect and love? If so, then do not make a basement bargain out of yourself by staying with this man.

The longer you do, he will look on you as desperate, hopeless and someone with no respect for yourself and that will lead to even worse down the line.

You say the house is in your name? Then he must go, as soon as is practically possible.

I cannot imagine being with such an insensitive man who has watched pornfor years, never mind having three kids with him. He's revolting and needs to realise that, give him a wake up call.

He wants you to have sex with him outside when you’re with the kids?? What world does he live in? He sounds utterly repulsive.

You said: stop treating his sexual interests as shameful

But they ARE shameful. He wants her to fantasise about fucking his step-dad. He wants her to have sex with other men. He 'talks to other women' (AKA cheats) when he feels she's not putting out enough. What the fuck. That's all very shameful.

Perhaps, if he wants sex, then he should be the one offering the 'compromise' by not going on and on about how he wants weird, elaborate, or disgusting nonsense, and is just happy with some nice, intimate sex that satisfies them both at a frequency they compromise on.

He surely knows she doesn't find his incessant, porn-addled demands arousing, and that they are, in fact, the opposite...so why does he keep trying to force them on her?

I can only assume you are a man.

She has sex with her partner (not husband). He just wants her to act out his porn fantasies. He’s also cheating on her. Emotionally abusing her. Gaslighting her. Telling her she’s not enough.

But sure - SHE’s the fucking problem according to misogynistic men like you. Does he put on sexy underwear for her? Oh that’s right, men aren’t expected to make that sort of effort. Why exactly do women have to dress up sexily for you all yet we’re lucky if you actually put clean underwear on that day?

There was no mention anywhere in the op or your comments of asking what the op would like, what her fantasies are. There was also nothing from you acknowledging how fucking exhausting it is looking after 3 kids and a house, but especially when one is autistic and your partner is doing nothing to help with them. You just see women who don’t want sex as a household appliance that has malfunctioned.

Not married, house in your name, he doesn't help at all with yougests lack of sleep, you worry he'll be stroppy with the kids etc.

He is emotionally abusing you and attempting sexual coercion. Just tell him to leave op.

You do not need this man in your home or your bed. Your life will be IMPROVED by not living with him.

I don’t think this is going to get better for you. Don’t do what he wants, it will never be enough. It’s honestly not you, what he is asking is ridiculous and really unpleasant. I think you know you need to get out of this relationship. Hope you’re ok x

This is the best response I’ve ever read on Mumsnet…maybe any site!

That sounds very controlling and suffocating OP

Conditional love is abuse. It is very corroding and damaging. Is your husband also on the spectrum? It sounds likely. His demands and sulking sound a bit like an autistic obsession.
Mine is and is somewhat like yours. He won't help me with practical things unless there is an erotic element. If things go cold I get blamed, or that's how I feel even if he says that he is not criticising. We don't have children so there isn't that pressure but his son (almost 34) and autistic needs a LOT of emotional support particularly from my DH. Luckily for us he doesn't live with us.

The things he says, along with his behaviour and the way he treats you, just aren’t acceptable. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, and I honestly don’t think it’ll work out.

When you eventually go through the perimenopause, things could become even more difficult, so you deserve someone who’s patient, supportive and understanding.

Poor woman.
He is a sex pest and it sounds a bit coercive.
Please talk to Women's aid.
You are very vulnerable.
You need support.
He sounds repulsive and abusive.
Silent punishing you for not doing what he wants sexually is highly abusive.
Please reach out.