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Original poster

Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

249 replies

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:00

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

OP posts:
DeftGoldHedgehog · Today 09:39

Is this recent? Odd to bring this up suddenly after 13 years and 3 kids to say the least.

chedderland · Today 09:39

What he wants you do sounds vile. Walking around with your fanny flapping under your dress while you are at the park? Sex with other men? Not normal. He sounds like he brings nothing to your life. You would be better alone.

Mapletree1985 · Today 09:40

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:10

Surprising him with me being in outfits and stuff when he walks in, going out in public (when we have our kids) wearing no underwear that kind of thing . Like it’s nothing bad but I honestly spend sooooo much time being a mum and trying to deal with my youngest, I can’t even be fucked at this point! Sorry for the pun

Show quote history

All that would give me the ick too. Sounds like he wants to be low-key sexually excited all the time.

I'd offer to make a deal with him: you'll do more of that sexy stuff that he likes if he does more of the sexy stuff you like, i.e. he takes over being the main caregiver to the children. There's no risk that he'd actually take that deal, but his reaction would be revealing.

Givemeausernamepls · Today 09:42

My ex was a sex pest, it’s the most ick inducing thing…

EBearhug · Today 09:42

It's fine to ask thing like, "would you dress up for me?", but you should only say yes if you want to, and he should accept that. To keep going on about it and sulk about it is coercive and abusive - and also stupid! Don't men realise that going on and on about it and sulking is the least likely way to persuade someone to their viewpoint and agree? If they just accepted it and didn't mention it again, then some women might think, as a one-off, I'm going to get some lingerie and dress up for him, because I know he'd really like it, and he deserves a treat, rather than thinking, FFS, I'm not sure I ever want to sleep with this whiny, sulky arsehole again.

There are men who accept you saying no. IME, it means I am more likely to say yes to some requests, because I end up trusting them more, and know that if i say no, they will respect it.

Just say no. Don't give in just to keep him quiet - you deserve to be treated with respect.

Doe he do his share of childcare and housework at all? Because things like that, which might help you feel a little less tired would make him look more attractive- but it still wouldn't entitle him to sex you don't want. That would just be transactional, and he should be doing those things anyway, as an adult living there.

MaidOfSteel · Today 09:44

Victim blaming is an ugly thing to do.

DancingLions · Today 09:44

Jellycatspyjamas · Today 09:36

You might not be suggesting it, but her partner is demanding it - saying he’ll only live her if she agrees to his fetishised idea of what sex should be.

Yes both partners need to prioritise a healthy sex life, both partners also need to understand that life comes in seasons and some seasons mean sex takes a back seat to your private fantasies. If he actually cared about a healthy sex life he’d be making sure his partner knew she was absolutely beautiful to him, that he loves and wants her for who she is. He’d be making sure she had more than 3 hours sleep a night, and making sure she had time to herself for rest and care.

But no, she’s the one that should go commando down the park so that while she’s attending to their 3 kids, he can envisage bending her over the swing set.

Show quote history

100% this.

This man isn’t wanting a “normal” sex life. Sleeping with another man, fantasising about the step-dad (grim) etc. These are just his opening suggestions, imagine how much worse it would get if she caved in on any of these! Because he would just be going further and further. He would never be satisfied.

Unless he can see that he is the problem, there’s no fixing this.

Beachlover1993 · Today 09:44

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:00

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

It sounds like you have your hands full. Do you get any support from parents who can take the kids out for awhile.
Do uou have any opportunity for a date night.
Does your DP take on some of the chores, washing, cleaning, ironing etc.
I think hou both need to sit down together, have a frank talk about the many stressors in your life and be honest about how you feel

Yogabearmous · Today 09:45

Te him you are role playing everyday. You are role playing a stressed mum with three kids and a selfish husband…and you’re glad he is enjoying it. Tell him you’ll wear heels in this role play, to spice things up.

Paganpentacle · Today 09:45

principalskinna · Today 08:44

don't fart around the house
that's grim

Better out than in... where are you supposed to fart?

Sereine · Today 09:46

What you have said to him is absolutely right. He has some seriously weird ideas about women if he thinks no woman farts and all of them are willing to parade around in bondage wear or are gagging for threesomes after a hard day wrangling an autistic child.. He needs to grow the fuck up and learn that porn bears no relationship to reality, and if he can't do that he needs to get out.

AnonyMumAuDHD · Today 09:46

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:28

He says that he will be obsessed with me and so in love with me and stuff if I do the stuff he wants .

so all sounds like conditional love if I’m being honest

Show quote history

This is more than conditional love - it’s coercive and abusive. He is withholding love and approval unless you behave like his sex slave.

I’m sorry, but I’d tell him he needs to go to counselling to deal with his unreasonable sex demands (and, I suspect over exposure/addition to online porn) and/or you need to separate because NO ONE should be compelled and shamed to performing sex acts that they are not comfortable with.

I hate to say it, as you have children together, but this marriage is probably over because unless you have had latent fantasies that overlap with what he is asking you to do, you have completely different sex drives and drivers. This feels unfixable without one of you completely capitulating. And it would need to be a full capitulation because if, for example, to agree to ‘try X y or z’, that will pacify him for a bit and then, he will start this again to increase the excitement… for HIM. Ie if you give a little, he will see it as a sign that he can push for more.

I’d be taking time to speak to a solicitor, gather the paperwork for the house etc and explore how you might manage a separation and divorce. In MN terms, getting your ducks in a row.

ilbehonest · Today 09:49

I'm not surprised you have the ick. He sounds like a pervert to be frank. Id not tolerate that he's known to speak to women when his needs are not met. Id leave him like yesterday.

merryredfly · Today 09:55

Greenseacat · Today 08:14

Dump him.

I am so sick of selfish, porn sick, immature men who have no respect for their partners and don't value the fact that a woman has gone through pain to birth children and will sacrifice so much of her life to care for kids and raise them.

Leave him to his porn videos and focus on yourself and your kids.

This ^

PetulaGordeno · Today 09:56

So you look after your kids all day, you go to bed knackered with a split lip and he’s thinking….
Do you know what my wife needs now is to dress up like Miss Whiplash and shag my mate Graham, whilst I lie there like a lazy bastard and watch?
Because is HE in all this?
The thing is you aren’t going to feel particularly sexy right now even if he was a decent man.
But if he was more a help and support to you, that would fire your brain a bit and you’d feel closer to him. Sex would be about intimacy.
But porn and the manosphere have him in a grip. He probably things his idea of a great Friday night is a takeaway, strangling you, and having a lovely wank to traffic abused girls while you are awake all night with the kids.
It would end if it for me. Let him go and get a sad bachelor pad and go on Fabswingers.
He hasn’t just talked to you about spicing up your sex life a bit. He wants to use and humiliate you.

PickyTits · Today 09:57

principalskinna · Today 08:44

don't fart around the house
that's grim

Seriously - of all the things OP wrote, THAT, is what you deem comment worthy?

I hope someone farts through your letterbox in the night.

OP he is abusive and controlling and I know going it alone would be tough with three children but at this point you have four anyway!

Optimisticdramalarma · Today 09:57

This was my ex to a tee

He didn't work (so sling in cocklodger in the mix) and i worked and had dc

He'd lay in bed all day,wanking away to whatever porn he watched and expect me to get home sort the kids,feed him too and then turn into his personal sex toy once they where in bed

I wasn't a woman with her own needs and wants,I was a hole to be wanked into while he starred in his own porn movie (he was the star-id see it in his face as we had sex)

He was even moaning about the lack of sex the weekend after I'd had his baby (I'd get out of hospital the afternoon before)

Thankfully he ended up running off with my best friend who didn't work and claimed she'd be up for my 'job'

They lasted 6 weeks as she got fed up of only being his hole to fuck

I really wish I'd had mumsnet back then-i look back and think 'you fool'

I've been with dp for 11 years

The sex is amazing as he only cares about my pleasure and pulls more than his own weight in the house/life

He cares about me-back in may I pulled my back out and was in agony

For almost 6 weeks,he didn't mention sex once-he was too busy helping me to the loo,washing my hair and cooking my dinner while making me endless cups of tea and making sure I'd taken my meds

That's the difference

Ex is convinced he's an amazing sex god who (his words) 'knows everything there is to know about sex' (he doesn't have a clue) and dp who is genuinely amazing because he loves me and I come first

Shelby2010 · Today 09:58

Bogstandardname · Today 08:59

Turn into Madam Whiplash and give him a bloody good thrashing. Tell him that is more your style and.plenty more were that came from.

Yes, tell him you’re going for a nap, and he must clean the bathroom & kitchen, and feed the kids before you wake up, or he’ll get a thrashing.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · Today 09:58

principalskinna · Today 08:44

don't fart around the house
that's grim

Take the stick out of your arse and you too will be able to experience the sweet relief of a massive fart in your own house.

merryredfly · Today 09:59

Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

I'm glad you've put your foot down OP.
You don't need a grubby sex-pest in your life.

Heretohelp1111 · Today 10:00

A relentless coercive sex pest with inappropriate sexual boundaries around child (trying to make you go out knickerless on a family outing etc) and other family members (the step dad thing). He definitely needs to be spend more time in real world and less time watching porn but I sadly don’t think he sounds like he’s capable of recognising he’s in the wrong and putting other people’s needs first for a change.

FlyingApple · Today 10:02

Sorry OP but your husband is a loser, I don't know how you can have sex with him at all. If my husband wanted me to have sex with other men, I would see him as utterly pathetic.

UpDownAllAround1 · Today 10:03

100 replies in 2 hours. see what gets MN attention

Cheese55 · Today 10:04

toomanycoffeecups · Today 09:35

I see you call him partner not DH ? Do you work outside the home ? Or are you completely financially dependent on him ? Who owns the house. ? Perhaps you might be a little more interested in sex if he afforded you the financial security and respect of asking you to marry after you’ve birthed and raised three children.

Marriage is not every women's goal.

Jerrybalanitis · Today 10:05

Your life sounds like utter hell anyway before even considering the sex, I think probably it would be no less hell without him in it and probably easier. I dont think its ok to be coerced into sex or physically assaulted, regardless of by whom. I am so sorry for you.