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Original poster

Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

263 replies

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:00

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · Today 10:05

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

OP this alone would be the deal breaker for me. He sounds vile. If he's generally a good dad then you should be able to co-parent with him. Split and let him go pester someone else while you have peace of mind, win-win!

Retro12 · Today 10:05

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:28

He says that he will be obsessed with me and so in love with me and stuff if I do the stuff he wants .

so all sounds like conditional love if I’m being honest

Show quote history

Has he got any redeeming qualities?

HollyhocksandPeons · Today 10:05

He is an insensitive animal and a moron. Leave him.

Hiredgun · Today 10:08

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:00

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

He’s gone down the rabbit hole of porn and is completely deluded.

Ilovemyfam · Today 10:09

After the first message I was going to suggest that you tell him that if he surprises you with a two-hour lie in followed by breakfast in bed you might be up to surprising him by going for a walk to the park without underwear (not on a windy day though!).

Having read through a few more updates I can see it is way past getting him to be a bit more invested in the kids. Anyone who wanted me to go with someone else would be shown the door.

blackcat95 · Today 10:12

tell him you expect him take you away and to make some time for you to have some self care as he’s throwing the demands around at how you should be for him- who the hell does he think he is

Narwhalsh · Today 10:12

It sounds like he might have some kind of problem. Sex addiction? What he’s describing isn’t normal people behaviour…

berightorbehappy · Today 10:13

His requests and general attitude would be a complete turn off for me .. and l couldn't in any way, shape or form desire him enough to even want to provide “vanilla” sex let alone any other type.

Ilovemyfam · Today 10:15

Mummysclubhouse · Today 08:31

It’s hard , I cry everyday. It’s not even 9am and I’ve been in tears 3 times today already , it’s soooo hard and he’s my only support network as his fuckwit family don’t believe in autisim and all that crap

Show quote history

Bless you. It is time for you to walk away from family that “don’t believe in autism”. What !!!!!

I have spent a lifetime working with individuals with autism - first one I officially met was in 1981! I get the hard life you have. Real family should be finding ways of supporting you rather than gaslighting you.

However, giving support whilst asking you to be a porn star is not really support.

You need to start thinking about living day to day without him.

ShowOfHands · Today 10:15

If you don't satisfy him, he talks to other women "etc". What does etc mean?

He cheats on you? That alone is enough to end a relationship.

Orangemintcream · Today 10:15

To be honest I think it’s possible he’s already found someone else and is making demands so he can say your relationship was on the skids ..so he can move on to the Other Woman.

Cheese55 · Today 10:17

Heretohelp1111 · Today 10:00

A relentless coercive sex pest with inappropriate sexual boundaries around child (trying to make you go out knickerless on a family outing etc) and other family members (the step dad thing). He definitely needs to be spend more time in real world and less time watching porn but I sadly don’t think he sounds like he’s capable of recognising he’s in the wrong and putting other people’s needs first for a change.

I don't watch porn but I hear there are some of these 'in same family ' type of stories (nonsense) which is where he's got the step dad thing from.

bibliomania · Today 10:18

Buy a whip and set about him with great enthusiasm when he's not expecting it.

EstherGreenwood63 · Today 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lolz 🤣

Ihateboris · Today 10:22

What a fucking selfish man child. Porn is the devil. If he wants dressing up and role play, how about asking him to dress up as a cleaner, you act as a dominatrix and order him to clean the house.

I'm so glad I'm single 😌

thestudio · Today 10:22

I hate the term 'sex pest' - it's so cutesy and euphemistic.

This man is an abusive exploiter who thinks you exist to service him. He doesn't see you as a human being - he sees you (and probably all women, given his fondness for porn) as an object or machine for fucking or domestic work.

He doesn't give a fuck about you or your children.

OP, I hope you find the strength to leave him and are then able to access therapy to uncover why you had such a low bar for what a good man is and does.

blackpooolrock · Today 10:23

Tell him you want to be a dominatrix and to buy a 12inch strap so you can peg him with.

Ihateboris · Today 10:24

blackpooolrock · Today 10:23

Tell him you want to be a dominatrix and to buy a 12inch strap so you can peg him with.

Yes...and gag him while you're at it.

JazzyJelly · Today 10:25

UpDownAllAround1 · Today 10:03

100 replies in 2 hours. see what gets MN attention

Yeah, it resonates with a lot of women. I can certainly empathise, I've been in OP's situation in the past.

HoppingPavlova · Today 10:26

Actually, I’m with your DH on this one. I think you should look for an opportunity where you can spare 10mins, and when he goes to the loo, follow him and stick a huge dildo up his arse. If that’s not ‘spicing it up’ I don’t know what is. He wants to be surprised and has given that instruction, so will obviously be appreciative of your effort😌.

CrowsInMyGarden · Today 10:32

OP I feel really sad for you. You seem to have such a great sense of humour even though you are dealing with little sleep, a child that needs extra help and a demanding, insensitive partner, all on top of normal life stuff of course.

It is fantastic that the home is rented in your name. I would seriously try to find time to think if you still want him in your life. Try to imagine your life if it was just you and your kids living in the home. Does that make you feel that you would be more relaxed without his constant nagging? If so, there's your answer. Do you think he would go with no issue or would he be difficult about leaving? Do you think he would co-parent properly? You need to focus on yourself and love yourself. At least you have some hope on the horizon that your youngest will be starting school soon. It doesn't sound as if your child is the problem here but it will give you time to think. I know you want to get back into work but it will be hard to find a term time role that fits in with you dropping off kids and picking them up, all while not sleeping properly.

If you were to be a single parent maybe delay finding work and work on yourself. Perhaps try to work out what benefits you would be entitled to if it was just you and the kids living alone. If you could manage then it would be a time to enjoy a bit of peace, have naps to catch up on sleep, do some exercise etc. and get back into work when your life has settled.

Good luck. Let us all know how you are getting on.

Activelife · Today 10:32

I once went on a date with a man first date, he was telling me how he likes role-playing and dressing up.
Made my excuse within the hour first date was the last date.

Im not into role-playing or dress up, its a big ick for me.

Gettingbysomehow · Today 10:32

Porn is vile and disgusting and warps mens brains.
They now want extreme sex 24/7 and don't feel the need to be a provider or a decent father anymore.
My ex H was the same and eventually left for a new life with a BDSM club. That didnt go as he planned at all and he is now a sad lonely man living in a shitty bedsit with a low paid job and no family.
I kept the house becsuse it was mine before we married so he wasnt entitled to any of it.
Good bloody riddance. There is nothing sadder than a porn raddled man in his 50s. Yuck.

BillieWiper · Today 10:34

Why don't you ask him why he doesn't surprise you with outfits or go outside to the park with the kids with no undies on? (yeah that would be so erotic?!)

He's expecting you to jump through hoops. You should tell him you're not into submissive men and why should you make an effort when he makes none.

How many orgasms do you have when he has sex with you? Does he care or notice if it's none?

Anyway you've done the right thing telling him he needs to stop or you're splitting. I'd want to kick him out at this point regardless of his response to the ultimatum.

WalkingThroughTreacle · Today 10:36

These are not minor attitude flaws or unrealistic expectations that can be discussed and resolved with a bit of reasonable negotiation and compromise on both sides.

He has an utterly vile attitude towards women and sex that is completely entrenched. You are absolutely right to feel the way you do, and you need to realise that he won't ever change. A man who has reached full adulthood with such grim ideas about what women are, and what he should expect from a relationship, is never going to transform into a remotely decent man worth spending the rest of your life with.