Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

I would say the women with 'the same sexual mind as him' are going to be sex workers he has to pay for. The amount of women that actually enjoy and would willingly participate in what he wants is just about zero (there may be the very occasional woman who would like this, but she'd be rare).

He's totally unrealistic. I think it WOULD do him good to get out there and see that no women will out up with this shit. And then maybe he'd appreciate you.

Couldn’t have said this better myself 👏

So sorry op
He is raising a lot of flags for porn addiction. And that doesn't always look like people think it does what is clear that the mindset is evident for your partner. Entitlement and objectifying, immaturity, no accountability sulking.

Some men do the work to completely change for good but they have often hit rock bottom. Many take years to get there. Unfortunately society isn't helpful with this as we have patriarchal system that says porn is "normal" and more often than not that the fault must lay with the women. Locker room chat etc all reinforces these ideas and conveniently let's men off the hook for any responsibility.

You get to decide what you want for your life.

I have a child with additional needs I am exhausted. so I get it. Take your time think about what you need.

Take a look at omar minwhallas secret sexual basement there might be elements of that you feel can make some clarity of this. Particularly the lying that can be really damaging. Please know this Is all on him and no deficit within you at all.

Honestly this isn’t even about being vanilla. You’re tired, 3 kids, one not sleeping and you’ve got a split lip. Last thing on your mind is acting out porn scenes.
The huffing because you said no is the bigger issue. And talking to other women cos his needs aren’t met... no. Thats his choice.
Maybe try couples counselling if he will actually listen. LeapHope do it online, I work with them so just being honest. But therapy isn’t there to make you do more sex stuff. He needs to understand no first.

Farting in your own home is grim? Jesus.

This!
Men in porn are (so I’m told😂) are all hung like a horse… is he?

He's abusive. That's literally all there is to it.
He won't get better. He won't suddenly start respecting you.
You can't explain respect into happening.

I'd walk. And tell him it's because I fantasise about having a real man so much he's just not cutting it anymore and that's why you won't sleep with him, cos he's a disgusting, entitled self centered abusive rapey piece of shit.

Sex pests are never attractive. When we had small children and our love life was suffering. DH cleaned the house and took the kids out to give me the space to feel myself. Then we went on dates again with zero pressure for anything else.

He's cheating on you with other women and is emotionally abusing you.

Do you love him? Do you want to be married to him? That’s the starting point really. If the answer is no then leave him. If the answer is yes then stop treating his sexual interests as shameful and look for a compromise that works for you both.

My exhusband wanted to spice up our sex life at the same time as we had a very energetic 17 month old and a new baby. His alcoholism was beginning and he couldn't climax without wanking for 40 minutes whilst I spanked him with a cane and told him he was a naughty boy. I was so exhausted ( Id had severe hyperemesis with both pregnancies so was also very, very thin) that I fell asleep on one occasion, sitting on my knees on the bed with a cane in my hand . By the time the children were 3 and 2 he'd left me for a 17 year old who was presumably more bendy and energetic. Porn was in magazines in the mid 90s, no Internet. He used to go to the petrol station on a Sunday, buy a magazine and ask me to read it out loud whilst he wanked. He didn't see me as a person by the end. I was just a set of holes and a pair of hands.

This does not sound like a situation to stay in OP.
It is not neutral, porn is not neutral - it is damaging and distorting as it objectifies women. It is also highly addictive to those who become enmeshed in it.
Your husband doesn't sound like the adult and father you and your children deserve.

Turn into Madam Whiplash and give him a bloody good thrashing. Tell him that is more your style and.plenty more were that came from.

I’m sorry you are going through this - he sounds awful and the more you post, the worse he gets. Some of the things you mention are abusive. I suspect there’s a lot more you haven’t mentioned.

I cannot believe he’s told you he wants to fantasise that you are fucking his step dad when you are in bed with him. How did you not kick him out there and then? It’s frankly disrespectful of you and you’ve already told him no to sleeping with another man.

I presume you aren’t married as you call him a partner? Who owns the house, or if rented who’s on the tenancy agreement? How old are the children? Do you work? Does he work? Do you have any savings?

I would get my ducks in a row if I were you. Look at what benefits you would be entitled to, how much CMS would expect him to pay (do you have any reason to believe he wouldn’t pay), etc. if you don’t work, start looking for a job, even part time. If everything is in your name, you can kick him out. Change the locks once he’s gone. If he owns the house, and your name isn’t on anything, it will be easier to leave as you can just go - but sadly it means you’re unlikely to be entitled to any of the value of the house etc.

Talk to women’s aid for help in making an exit plan.

Good luck.

No the house I rent and my name on everything. I don’t work at present as I’m a carer for my son, he starts school in September so then will be able to look for work .

It's not about porn.

It's about respect and seeing you as a human. It's about pushing your boundaries and trying to force you into something you are comfortable with. There's all sorts of consent issues here. If you feel coerced you have not consented.

He expects you to be a serve human to him the main character. His attempts to emotionally blackmail you are abusive.

No isnt negotiable.

You fully understand that if you say no that the relationship will probably end. But honestly the relationship has already ended because of the lack of mutual trust and respect. Cut your losses and tell him to fuck off and find someone who fucks to his standards.

There isn't love here.

Sorry, just read all your posts. You really need to move on from this animal.

Sorry this made me laugh 🤣🤣🤣

Why are you giving him an option here? LTB, he’s sounds utterly grim 🤮

WTF. You think she should compromise when he wants her to have sex with other men in front of him (bearing in mind the only man she’s had sex with is her partner), he wants her to fantasise that she’s fucking his step father when in bed with him, wants her to take her kids out whilst not wearing any underwear… you don’t compromise when it comes to sex. Neither person should do anything they do not want to do.

Honestly this is utterly grim 😕 he's obviously been warped by the amount of porn he's been watching, which has nothing to do with a loving relationship. You are not a sex doll whose job it is to 'perform' for him!

I'd definitely think about separation and divorce. You deserve better than him!

Christ, what a charmer.

I honestly don’t think you have a future with this overgrown teenager, just cut your losses and start making plans to split.

HOW are you blaming the OP?!

This, 100%.