Partner says I am too vanilla and expects porn-style sex

[Mummysclubhouse]

I don’t even know how to write this, how to word it etc

Been with partner 13 years, 3 kids, ones on the autisim pathway.

sex life is usually ok, not great but as can be expected with 3 kids.
For a while he’s been on my case that I’m not exciting enough or I don’t surprise him enough. Basically I’m too vanilla for him and he wants more exciting stuff .

the thing is , I’ve tried to explain to him, look we have 3 kids , I can do things as and when the situation is right but you have to understand I’m a mum First and they come before anything.

When I say tbis I’m usually met with ‘so there’s time we’re you could do loads of things’

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

He.does.NOT.listen!!!
i think it’s cos he’s watched porn most of his adult life and obviously it’s very different for them. I’ve said porn is fake.
I am not quite sure what he means also? Unless he wants me to give him a full role play upstairs while the kids are downstairs?
My youngest is on the pathway and he is hard work. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat , general autistic traits and is hard. When he finally gets down to sleep the lash thing I want to do is prance around pretending I’m some porn star for him.

this is what he means by ‘there has been loads of times you can do stuff’

It used to bother me but after him huffing around all morning cos I didn’t give in to his advances or hints last night (had a crap day my 3yo has been lashing out loads, I have a split lip!)
Ive literally gave him an ultimatum, either start being more realistic and realise life isn’t a porn video and I am not a porn star or we split , we co parent and you find yourself a nice woman who has no kids who can be your personal porn star 24/7

He hasn’t replied yet and don’t even care if he doesn’t but it’s getting too much now and quite frankly gives me the ick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him!!!

sorry this is long but just wanted to see if anyone had anything similar happen or is it just me who is in a shit show 😂

also sorry , he has been known to talk to other women etc if he feels his needs aren’t met

Oh dear. Time to unshackle yourself permanently from this utterly gross subpar specimen OP. Please don't accept this life. He is a very bad man. Get away from him. Imagine a happy future without all his shit. You can make that happen. 💐

While the choice of father is unfortunate, I don't think this is helpful at this stage.

This man is not going to change so OP has two choices:

1. put up and carry on as is
2. leave

She should stop thinking it's shameful that her partner expects her to fatansise about fucking his own stepdad?

I don't know. That's something anyone should be ashamed of frankly. Sex positivity goes too far. Some things are shameful. That is shameful; sexualising someone in front of children is shameful; hassling someone to fuck other people is definitely something to be ashamed of.

In a normal, civilised world, pestering an injured, exhausted woman for sex should be considered outright shameful too.

Seeking other women if OP doesn't perform is definitely something to be ashamed of.

OP, he's a fucking prick. Some people have high sex drives - my own DP is one. He'd prefer sex a few times a day. I don't though and my life has been hard this year, so we have sex every week or so currently. Usually it would be 4/5 times a week. He hasn't pestered me once, not once been grumpy. He's respected my currently shit time affecting this and respected me.

Other people are disrespectful perverts. I'd firmly put OPs partner in that category. What does he bring to your life OP? Think how nice it would be, to not need to be subjected to this. Dump that fucker.

He's being a twat and very glad you've stepped up to him. He's not living in the real world, thanks porn, and he's being manipulative, putting on the pressure and no, that's so not sexy! Goes without saying, only do what you want to do, if he doesn't like it he can leave.

He’d be kicked out of my bed faster than he could say “blow job”. You’re running his home and parenting his kids, I’m betting you hardly have time to shower and brush your teeth never mind wandering round a park with no knickers on.

It’s not boring - it’s part of life, if he needs constant entertainment to maintain his interest in you he needs to grow up. There are times in our lives where sex isn’t top of the list, he should be pulling with you, not sulking because he isn’t getting the kind of sex he wants. And coercing you, emotionally blackmailing you is abusive, and there’s absolutely no acceptable amount of abuse in partner relationships.

The sexiest thing a man can do for a woman is to take the domestic load off her. Cook, clean up (properly), take care of the kids and get them to sleep, while you relax or sleep. Then you might be in the mood.

Maybe you should tell him that's your fantasy, and once the kids are asleep he is to take you to bed and do lots of lovely things to you while he gets nothing.

After all, it goes both ways, doesn't it?

This made me feel so sad OP. He's making you incredibly unhappy by gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem, when in fact it's entirely HIM and HIS warped porn addiction that is creating all this mess. There is nothing wrong with you.

Its up to you where you go from here, personally I could not be around this man let alone have any type of sex with him ever again, and I wouldn't want such a person near my children either.

Have you got anyone in real life you can talk to? Family, close friend? You don't have to go into specifics, but I think it's important you do tell someone about the moods, the silent treatment, how miserable he is making you.

As one of the 'most women' the deluded, porn-addled, misogynist twat refers to - nope.

Never worn an outfit for DH, underwear firmly on in public since the very first days of dating, never even considered 'thirds' etc.

Perfectly satisfactory sex life even so. Because DH knows I'm a person in my own right, my pleasure is more important to him than his own, and anything other than enthusiastic consent is no consent at all.

From my perspective, your H is the outlier any 'most women' would bin him. Never met you, dear OP, but I know you deserve better than this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is entrenched misogyny. some men can’t stand the thought of women just existing how they are, and instead have to meet ‘ideals’ which are not real. It also breaches basic consent morals - if you don’t want to do it - end of. Really hope you can find a better situation x

Chain him to the bed then go downstairs and dig out the patio read a book.

It's the porn that's the problem.
Not you.

Sorry what? It is shameful to coerce your partner to do things she doesn’t want to do, it’s shameful to leave her carrying the bulk of the house and children then complain she isn’t performing for you. He hasn’t even had the decency to marry her despite 3 kids. What comprise do you envisage an utterly knackered woman should make to keep her abusive partner? I’m all ears.

You don’t need to up your game at all. I’m sure many others would agree about sex going waaay down the list when parenting - especially in some of the difficult circumstances you’re living through. That’s life! It’s ultimately whatever you’re comfortable with

Prince amongst men. All that porn has addled his brain and he can't distinguish between real life and fantasy. Also, isn't it like having another child? It's all about him and what he needs and wants. I think you are quite right to tell him to leave and find his own personal porn star.

Last yesr I finally ended a relationship exactly like this. My partner had eventually cheated on me. He was also a porn watcher and had such unrealistic expectations. He would push me into a wall all lustful saying women love this, this is what they do it porn. He would also alwsys want me to dress up and be the one to initiate sex all of the time. I also have 2 sons, one autistic and I worked full time so I had no energy for it in the end. He mentally damaged me in so many ways, if we were out he would say things like, why dont you dress like her, or would you wear what she is wearing for me. It was alwsys low cut, boobs out, ass out clothing. It became such an ick and in the end I didn't want to have sex as felt too much pressure. He would also want me to wear sexy nightware and be prancing around the house for his enjoyment. If i wore sonething comfortable or loose he would say i looked fat or frumpy.It will not get better. Do yourself a favour and leave.

You seem like a nice person and a good mum. You do not have to be anything or do anything sexually that you don’t want to. He sounds disgusting and immature and you deserve much better.

Yeah, the porn is the issue here. After 13 years I don't think this going to get better - it's going to get worse, as realistically, you're going to have children that require some support for some years yet, which means he's going to watch a LOT more porn. His wants are only go to get more extreme.

Honestly I think splitting is the best thing for you, but I think one more conversation should happen - you take the reins. Be strong and clear.
No, I am not going to do that, ever, stop asking.
That is not a realistic thing that couples do other than (maybe) on a sexy weekend away - stop asking.
As I've repeatedly told you, I'm looking after our three kids - and then you want me to jump into "sexy partner" at bedtime. This is not only completely unfair, it's unrealistic - I don't feel sexy because I don't have time or inclination to! If you want me to want sex more, then give me some downtime to feel it, and make me feel wanted, and not just sexually!
You have become completely porn-brained and it's unattractive and really, really off-putting. You need to stop watching it and detox. Or we split and you find someone who is porn-brained as you and willing to try all these things. Because I won't.

God bless you. I’m so sorry! Does he need therapy? Is he ASD too? I don’t feel any sympathy towards him but it crossed my mind that if you think he was once a decent fellow and you loved him it might be worth fighting for your marriage and getting him help. But really, I would seriously consider getting shot of him. He sounds like a spoilt brat.

Tell him to take the children all weekend so you can get into the mood, and get yourself ready, having hair, make up, nails done, skin massaged, shopping for lingerie. But he has to really look after them as you do, not just scroll his phone while they whine and trash the house in the background. When you get home, you expect them bathed, with stories read, teeth brushed, tucked up in bed, house tidy, with a candlelit dinner prepared by him waiting on the table, and fresh sheets on the bed in a freshly cleaned and tidy bedroom. If he is still in the mood then, you can both play porn movie.

I say split. That way you get a break from the kids when he has them.

He sounds an awful man. You really do deserve better.

Dinoderry: What’s so wrong with throwing on some lingerie to surprise your husband?

If you yourself don't actually want to wear the lingerie, then there's a lot wrong with it

I see you call him partner not DH ? Do you work outside the home ? Or are you completely financially dependent on him ? Who owns the house. ? Perhaps you might be a little more interested in sex if he afforded you the financial security and respect of asking you to marry after you’ve birthed and raised three children.

You might not be suggesting it, but her partner is demanding it - saying he’ll only live her if she agrees to his fetishised idea of what sex should be.

Yes both partners need to prioritise a healthy sex life, both partners also need to understand that life comes in seasons and some seasons mean sex takes a back seat to your private fantasies. If he actually cared about a healthy sex life he’d be making sure his partner knew she was absolutely beautiful to him, that he loves and wants her for who she is. He’d be making sure she had more than 3 hours sleep a night, and making sure she had time to herself for rest and care.

But no, she’s the one that should go commando down the park so that while she’s attending to their 3 kids, he can envisage bending her over the swing set.

I'd be farting him right out the door OP.