Page 9 | Is my bf stingy, clueless or do I have unreasonable expectation?

Woodwormandcreaks77 · Yesterday 14:07

Paganpentacle · Yesterday 11:12

Very much depends on whether you take people at face value, are a literal thinker or have ASD.
I cannot stand this whole ''said one thing, meant another and I am now going to despise you for literally doing what I said because you should have known I meant something different''
FFS🙄

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It’s really not about despising someone for doing something different, it’s about being disappointed in someone for never doing anything extra, either in terms of money, or effort, except when it suits them.

Paganpentacle · Yesterday 15:27

Woodwormandcreaks77 · Yesterday 14:07

It’s really not about despising someone for doing something different, it’s about being disappointed in someone for never doing anything extra, either in terms of money, or effort, except when it suits them.

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Here's a tip... be specific in what you'd like and then you won't be disappointed when someone does exactly what you've asked them to do.

NovemberMorn · Yesterday 16:50

A previous poster said..."All these people saying it's dead in the water. It may be... It may not be. None of us can know because it's a feeling personal to you."

I agree, only the OP can know if this is a deal breaker or not.
But money is very important in a relationship, and after two and a half years, boundaries and acceptances are usually clear.
What I sense is resentment, and once you start resenting someone, it's hard to go back, imo.

CatLady199 · Yesterday 17:15

Gabitule · 18/08/2026 17:53

I’m driving myself crazy trying to make sense of my bf’s behaviour. I am trying to figure out if he is stingy or just a bit ‘unusual’ (or perhaps I’m expecting too much).

For context: We’ve been together 2.5 years. We don’t live together. Neither of us has children (it’s too late for us now). He is reliable, honest, non-confrontational, gentle and non-critical. He earns a good salary, which is double what I earn. We both have disposable income but I have to be careful wirh my spending all the time.

My boyfriend organises events for us and pays for them, but these are mostly for things he wants to do. So overall he spends more than me on our relationship. I never ask to be taken out at his expense, and I never suggest expensive hobbies. I organise things which are cheaper or free and which reflect what I can afford. For example I’d cook a nice meal to reciprocate for him taking me out to an event.

Some behaviour I find unusual:

For our first Christmas together (just the 2 of us), I hosted and paid for all food and drinks from X Eve to Boxing Day eve. I cooked/organised everything. When he asked what to bring, I said two bottles of Bucks Fizz as I forgot to buy them, and that is literally all he brought. No extra treats, no festive gestures other than a jar of cranberry sauce which he wanted and knew I wouldn’t have already bought.

For our second Christmas together (Xmas eve to Boxing day eve) which I also offered to host because he can’t really cook, I asked him to contribute financially. Given that I had paid the bill in full the year before, I hoped he would offer to cover the entire bill this time. Before I even placed the supermarket food order, he randomly transferred £60 into my account towards the food bill. I do appreciate that £60 not a small sum and one can reasonably assume that it covers more than the cost of food and drinks for one person over the festive period, so maybe he genuinely thought he was being generous. But I found it odd that he transferred the money without asking me how much the food costs.

When I calmly asked how he came to £60 or why he didn't ask what the bill actually was he became defensive, deflected, and I didn’t get a straight answer.

Another example:

If I organise a party with friends or a nice dinner, he’ll ask if I need or want him to bring anything. I tend to say no, because I don’t ‘’need’’ anything. So he doesn’t bring anything. But it would be nice if he brought something, in the same way me and my friends bring each-other wine, flowers or chocolate if we visit each-other for dinner (despite also telling each-other that we don’t need anything). At the same time, if I gave him a list of things to bring, he would 100% do it.

On more than one occasion, he brought wine or beers to a dinner/ party at my house but kept it hidden in his bag the entire time, never offered it, and took it back home with him the next day. The first time I randomly discovered the bottle in his bag I told him I found it weird but he has since done it again. Of course I asked why he bothered to bring the bottle if he didn’t plan to give it to me or didn’t even tell me he had it in case it was needed, but I could never get a clear answer out of him, regardless of how I approached the issue.

When we meet his friends he organises nice meals out and fancy cocktail bars.

What is actually happening here? Why bring a bottle of wine, keep it hidden and then take it back home? Why repeat the behaviour after being told him that I found it so weird?

Could his actions come from a calculated, transactional kind of stinginess that perhaps he is not even aware of? Or is he just wired differently and doesn’t have the necessary emotional intelligence to know how he should act?

Equally, is it possible that the issue is a non-issue? Am I being hypocritical in calling out what I perceive as his stinginess when, although I would bring a bottle of wine and chocolates to his special dinner, he spends more than me overall on our holidays and activities (because he has more expensive taste)?

I can’t figure him out at all, and I am normally so good at figuring people out. The issue is not about the amount of money but the gesture and what it symbolises and I am desperate to know if he is calculated or just a bit clueless. I cannot stand stingy people, it’s a massive turn off for me.

I am so confused.

Is he on the spectrum? You are giving him mixed messages. You tell him not to bring anything then you moan when he doesn't bring anything. I think you have to spell it out what you want and not play mind games. It's confusing.

NotMajorTom · Yesterday 17:39

Gabitule · Yesterday 11:06

@AbsolutefuckinglegendII the more I read your message, the more it makes me think.
We come from different cultures. My background is more traditional, the man provides more and the woman cooks and cleans more (wirh both partners working but the man contributes more money and the woman contributes more labour). I believe he’s more the kind of person where everything is split more evenly. Earlier in the relationship he said that he sees his role as a ‘protector and provider’ but, when asked what he meant by it, he wasn’t able to explain. He hates cleaning and cooking, so I thought we’d complement each-other well when we live together. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair for us to pay for bills 50/50 but for me to do the cooking and cleaning. Of course I told him how I see things and he agreed. But I need to talk to him again and understand if he is agreeing with me because he sees things in the same way or because he absolutely detests any sort of disagreements. He never lived with anyone before so I can’t ask him what he did in previous relationships.

Ah here we go. This makes sense and I thought this would be the case. You see the role of the man to “provide” and therefore anything he does that does not conform to that old stereotype is unattractive to you.

Stelladid · Yesterday 17:58

AbsolutefuckinglegendII · Yesterday 08:09

It's honestly really difficult to say whether:

He has a strange approach to money / spending with / on you; or
This is a non-issue: or
You have a strange approach to money / spending with / on him.

At the risk of coming across as contrary (I'm not trying to be, just, perhaps a different way of looking at things) I actually think number (3) might be it, sorry, OP.

Stepping into his shoes... He has more money than you and might not fully appreciate how much money you don't have (regardless how much you tell him!). His approach could, quite simply, be that you're both mature adults, with proper jobs, so finances shouldn't be an issue by now. As reasonable as it is that you don't have endless cash, he might find it strange that you've not got yourself into a position whereby you have more. I'm not condoning that, by the way.

With the Christmas meal, and how much he sent to you, his approach sounds very much as yours is to hotels - why do you need to spend more than that? You may want a turkey at c.£100, he may have been content with a chicken at c.£6. You could do 3 days of meals for two people on £120 (if you're splitting it) or you could easily spend north of £500.

As to him bringing things to yours, if you're cooking for him then I expect he's taking the view that you're doing something for him, so he's not going to contribute. The thing he seems to do for you is take you on holiday. Maybe he's actually biting his tongue about his gesture being to take you away, and yours being to cook for him. Perhaps, really, he'd expect a bit more thought and something on the extravagant side, as that seems to be his preference (just as you seem to want the simple things - some flowers). I'm not saying either of you are right or wrong, it just sounds as though you may have different ideas on life / a relationship and they don't quite marry up.

The wine bottle in the bag does sound weird on the face of it. I feel like there's more to it and, possibly, as said above, some element of him biting his tongue that you're not doing enough and he perhaps resents it a bit. He may feel as though, as his girlfriend, you doing the thing you want to do (hosting a party for your friends and him attending to keep you company when he doesn't really want to be there, in a way akin to him going out with his friends and you not really wanting to spend your money on it because it's not your thing) is for you to pay for. I also think the idea that he switches from "boyfriend" to "guest", and so the expectations of guests applies, is really very odd and not typical of a 2.5 year relationship. Alternatively, you've set out that he seems to like the finer things in life. Has he perhaps brought quite an expensive bottle with him and, therefore, doesn't want to share it? Some people just don't enjoy naff wine, and would rather not drink anything - he may be one of those people, so brought something spenny but felt the moment wasn't right to open it, and so he took it home. It's odd, sure, but not necessarily wrong. There's a lot of cheap wine I cannot abide but I just wouldn't take something to a party I wasn't happy for people to share because I think it's not how it works at parties - usually, the host stocks the fridge to a degree, everyone brings drinks, it all goes into the mix and it's a free for all from there. I don't think it's strange for him to see himself as boyfriend and not guest, and therefore to assume you'd have catered for his "contribution" in the initial stocking of the fridge.

I also wonder whether your approach about how to split paying for things has made the whole financial situation seem transactional and so he's just fitting into that. Don't get me wrong, I totally get it that you can't afford the spending he wants to do, but it may come across that every event has a conversation or comment about money attached to it. If he thinks he's spending a lot on you, he may think you're a bit tight and so is reluctant to contribute to "your" things.

It's worth remembering you're not married, for a reason, so a conversation around expectations and money is probably worth having. If you do, be ready to hear some things you may not like / agree with, regardless how reasonable / explainable your position / take on things is.

Personally, I find the behaviour odd on both sides. If I was hosting a party and I invited my boyfriend, I'd be sure to cater for him, specifically, and want to show him I'd done as much. If I was him, I'd perhaps find it a bit odd to be treated just the same as any guest, rather than a partner. I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to bring me a gift, as if he was a guest, to my party (not that I expect gifts from my guests - when people ask what they can bring, I always say some alcohol will never be unappreciated but there's no pressure) that would just be strange. I'd also be telling him advance what I've bought for him, drinks-wise, so he really shouldn't bring anything.

It might just be that you and your boyfriend are on completely different pages.

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Well said

Stelladid · Yesterday 18:11

Gabitule · Yesterday 10:15

But if your mother knew the circumstances in which the flowers were bought, would she have still enjoyed them?
I have a friend who ‘forces’ her husband to buy her flowers and is happy when he does. I wish I was like that, it would resolve lots of issues, but I just can’t rewire my brain to feel differently about things. I could only enjoy the flowers if he bought them unprompted, because he thought of me and thought I might like them.

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You really don’t seem to have a very mature attitude to relationships. Your posts read like you want ‘the fairytale’. Real life isn’t like that. It’s rare and maybe never, that one person can meet every desire/fantasy of their partner. You say yourself that previous partners spontaneously gave you gifts, “but there were other issues” that ended the relationships. You are expecting too much from this man. We’re all different and you need to accept him for who he is.

Stelladid · Yesterday 18:17

BeenThereBackThen · Yesterday 12:45

I havent read replies but this my take.

He is stingy unless asked directly (which he probably worked out you won’t do often). He is ok to organise meet ups with friends in fancy bars because that is about showing off so he sees the value in doing that. I bet his friends are of similar or higher ‘status’ so this is about leveling up etc.

Nah, you need to read the thread, including the OPs other posts. It’s all very dysfunctional. This poor bloke can’t do anything right and is expected to be a mind reader.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Yesterday 19:05

Retro12 · Yesterday 10:57

it was more important for this man to see himself as the Generous, Thoughtful Type.

Exactly what the OP BF is doing by bringing the wine, hiding it, then taking it home.

I think the OP has certain expectations, as do I, it may be a generational thing?? I was taught to always take a gift for the host, it's good manners and polite. If I go to my BF for the weekend I will take treats that we like, a bottle of fizz whatever, we never turn up empty handed, it's not that it's needed but it's just good manners!

I don't think the OP is well suited to her partner. She clearly values kindness, thoughtfulness, and the little things that make someone feel appreciated. He seems to be trying to mirror her actions, but they don't hit because he comes across as quite mean-spirited and reluctant to put in the same effort and for his gain only.

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I think there is something in this.

@Gabitule you've given many examples where his behaviour around money/gifts/effort seems a bit questionable, and pps seem divided about this.
But your most recent example;

"My boyfriend once came to spend a week at my place and brought food items only for himself (of course I had already bought food for both of us but, when getting additional stuff for himself, he didn’t think to buy anything that I could also have). "

That does indicate to me a stinginess, a lack of generosity of spirit, or a lack of even trying to think about what you might like. Once again. You were hosting him for a whole week, with all the effort involved and you'd gone out and bought food that you knew both of you would like.
His contribution was only about satisfying himself.
You get everything ready and stock up for his arrival because you feel that's the host's duty, but if he kept doing that.... I'd wait until he arrived and take him to the shops and ask him to contribute. Its a whole week! But you are very aware that left to his own devices, he'd just go to an expensive restaurant. So you both have a very different attitude to money.

Whatever way one can debate the other examples, that really does seem very unequal, one could give the benefit of the doubt on some examples taken one by one. But they are piling up. Two might be a coincidence... but three or four or five?

And I don't think it matters if he pays for other outings that he particularly wants to do, that you are ambivalent about... you've shown that in your examples about how you book holidays. You are happier with a cheaper hotel. He wants something better. I don't think you should have to pay more for something a bit posher if that breaks your own budget.. I also don't think you should have to do the extra effort to make up for this. He is choosing what he wants and doesnt want. If my DH only had a certain budget for a get away break, I would stick to that budget. You weren't exactly suggesting a shared dorm in a Youth Hostel after all.

When I read "if we go for a weekend hiking I would book an Airbnb and prepare all our meals to save us money, instead of choosing a hotel + eating out like he used to do before he met me." It feels to me that you are making a lot of effort to compensate him in some way for not having his budget.. I comepletely agree with you about the hire car example... I've hired a lot of cars in my time and to get a fancy one really does come at a massive premium which I would also consider completely unnecessary. Its not as if you are trying to hire a clapped out old banger.

In many ways.. that's quite a long list of things that are concerning you, or making you wonder at the very least.. Im guessing that the worry behind it is would he be around or be supportive if things went horribly wrong for you, illness or other misfortune.. and if he is in reality a selfish person, then it might be making you think that perhaps he wouldn't be all in for you, as you would be for him perhaps ( only speculation on my part)

That would be ok if you could have a proper conversation with him about this, a real one that would allow you to see how you feel. But as you said in earlier posts, you ask him why he does certain things and he's unable to explain or doesn't answer and as @Arregaithel said further up the thread, he seems to shut down discussions, and you end up apologising for starting them. Unequal.

allthingsinmoderation · Yesterday 19:07

Gabitule · Yesterday 11:49

Here’s an example of how he responds, it drives me craaaazy. Nobody has ever made me feel more furious

me: why did you transfer £60?
him: well, how much does it cost?
me: I haven’t yet placed the food order so I don’t know how much it will cost. I’m asking as I’m curious why you sent me £60, why not £40 or £70 etc? What is £60 based on?
him: if £60 is not enough, tell me how much more I need to send you.
me: I’m not saying £60 is not enough, I don’t know how much the food will cost. I’m only asking as I’m trying to understand you, this is not a criticism.
him: well, tell me how much it costs once you know and, if £60 is not enough, I’ll send more.

He will simply not answer my questions. If it escalates he goes into victim mode ‘’i am the most horrible boyfriend, from now on I’ll send you all my money, etc etc’

i don’t think he is malicious, just immature.

or

me: why did you bring wine, kept it in your bag and then took it back home?
him: you said you didn’t need wine.
me: that’s true, so why did you bring it? And, if you did bring I as a gesture, why didn’t you give it to me?
him: well, you said you need wine.

half an hour later and after many attempts to explain what I mean, I start getting really upset and frustrated and threaten to end the relationship due to the mindfuck that is his communication

him: what’s the issue, explain again what the issue is, I don’t understand

so I explain again

and we go back to the beginning.

Eventually he says ‘’I am the worst bf ever, from now on I’ll bring wine every time I come over etc etc.

there we go!

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It seems he doesn't answer your questions ,he responds with a question of his own,this is evasion and deflection.
You could repeat the question Eg:you: Why did you transfer 60 pounds.Him:Well how much does it cost? You: Please answer my question,why did you transfer 60 pounds? And keep repeating until he answers.
Eg:Why did you bring wine ,keep it in your bag and take it home?
Him: you said you didn't need wine.
You: Irrelevant,please answer my question, why did you bring wine, keep it in your bag and take it home with you?
When he asks what the issue is say you need him to answer your questions...

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Yesterday 19:36

Just thinking about the Christmas issue and people saying its wierd that OP should ask for a contribution.

When we have hosted in the past, Xmas for large family... the various groups will ask "What would you like us to bring? " and make specific dishes, or bring a cheese board or desert, because we do the same for them. That is more useful than money because it helps cut the workload.

Op sat there and went through the planned menu, of celebration food, to makes sure she took his preferences into account. He didn't say then.. what would you like me to bring? That's she had to ask him for a contribution afterwards.

Also.. it was their dinner, just the two of them...He very much saw it as she was the Host, he was the Guest, but they are supposed to be a couple, normally that would be a joint operation with both people putting in some effort to get it all ready or helping each other out. He wasn't a collegue or a friend... he's her partner.. just she did and paid for everything, bar the £60.... from Xmas eve to end of Boxing Day that is nearly 7- 9 meals. Organised by OP, shopped and cooked.

I would worry if I ever did move in with someone like that, that she'd be doing all the household management and he'd still be behaving like a guest and the occasional meal at a fancy resturant with his friends, where she ends up buying rounds of drinks to compensate for his spending, wouldn't really make up for that.

Blushingm · Yesterday 21:07

Why don’t you just sit down and discuss it rather than asking strangers who know neither of you

Nofeckinway · Yesterday 22:38

Do you think you might be self sabotaging the relationship a bit? As in what has led to the end of your other relationships? You say you're better off with him in your life. Christmas dinner is typically a roast dinner with turkey, standard traditional fare. When he smuggles some wine in immediately ask what he has brought and put it on the table I.e. no returns possible. Call out any silly BS, make light of it, you're in a relationship otherwise adiós fella this is not working.