Is my bf stingy, clueless or do I have unreasonable expectation?

[Gabitule]

I’m driving myself crazy trying to make sense of my bf’s behaviour. I am trying to figure out if he is stingy or just a bit ‘unusual’ (or perhaps I’m expecting too much).

For context: We’ve been together 2.5 years. We don’t live together. Neither of us has children (it’s too late for us now). He is reliable, honest, non-confrontational, gentle and non-critical. He earns a good salary, which is double what I earn. We both have disposable income but I have to be careful wirh my spending all the time.

My boyfriend organises events for us and pays for them, but these are mostly for things he wants to do. So overall he spends more than me on our relationship. I never ask to be taken out at his expense, and I never suggest expensive hobbies. I organise things which are cheaper or free and which reflect what I can afford. For example I’d cook a nice meal to reciprocate for him taking me out to an event.

Some behaviour I find unusual:

For our first Christmas together (just the 2 of us), I hosted and paid for all food and drinks from X Eve to Boxing Day eve. I cooked/organised everything. When he asked what to bring, I said two bottles of Bucks Fizz as I forgot to buy them, and that is literally all he brought. No extra treats, no festive gestures other than a jar of cranberry sauce which he wanted and knew I wouldn’t have already bought.

For our second Christmas together (Xmas eve to Boxing day eve) which I also offered to host because he can’t really cook, I asked him to contribute financially. Given that I had paid the bill in full the year before, I hoped he would offer to cover the entire bill this time. Before I even placed the supermarket food order, he randomly transferred £60 into my account towards the food bill. I do appreciate that £60 not a small sum and one can reasonably assume that it covers more than the cost of food and drinks for one person over the festive period, so maybe he genuinely thought he was being generous. But I found it odd that he transferred the money without asking me how much the food costs.

When I calmly asked how he came to £60 or why he didn't ask what the bill actually was he became defensive, deflected, and I didn’t get a straight answer.

Another example:

If I organise a party with friends or a nice dinner, he’ll ask if I need or want him to bring anything. I tend to say no, because I don’t ‘’need’’ anything. So he doesn’t bring anything. But it would be nice if he brought something, in the same way me and my friends bring each-other wine, flowers or chocolate if we visit each-other for dinner (despite also telling each-other that we don’t need anything). At the same time, if I gave him a list of things to bring, he would 100% do it.

On more than one occasion, he brought wine or beers to a dinner/ party at my house but kept it hidden in his bag the entire time, never offered it, and took it back home with him the next day. The first time I randomly discovered the bottle in his bag I told him I found it weird but he has since done it again. Of course I asked why he bothered to bring the bottle if he didn’t plan to give it to me or didn’t even tell me he had it in case it was needed, but I could never get a clear answer out of him, regardless of how I approached the issue.

When we meet his friends he organises nice meals out and fancy cocktail bars.

What is actually happening here? Why bring a bottle of wine, keep it hidden and then take it back home? Why repeat the behaviour after being told him that I found it so weird?

Could his actions come from a calculated, transactional kind of stinginess that perhaps he is not even aware of? Or is he just wired differently and doesn’t have the necessary emotional intelligence to know how he should act?

Equally, is it possible that the issue is a non-issue? Am I being hypocritical in calling out what I perceive as his stinginess when, although I would bring a bottle of wine and chocolates to his special dinner, he spends more than me overall on our holidays and activities (because he has more expensive taste)?

I can’t figure him out at all, and I am normally so good at figuring people out. The issue is not about the amount of money but the gesture and what it symbolises and I am desperate to know if he is calculated or just a bit clueless. I cannot stand stingy people, it’s a massive turn off for me.

I am so confused.

Sounds like he's quite literal, rather than stingy.
If you want a few extra things brought, you may need to ask for them directly.
Be very direct and I imagine you'll get what you need.

Publically generous. Privately stingy.

Christmas Eve to Boxing day.. that's 3 days of celebration Christmas food and drink... that's approx 9 meals. You did all the work, shopped and cooked and decorated and paid for it all.

If you are still together, I'd suggest its his turn to do Christmas this year at one of his fancy hotels and put your feet up.

He doesn't sound stingy to me, OP.

But asking him to contribute to Xmas when he geneeally pays more than you was really rude on your part imo and perhaps that's why he sent £60 without asking you how much first.

The wine thing.. is not that strange but I guess it depends on the vibe of the party. Sometimes you attend a party and don't end up drinking what you brought. I wouldn't have said that taking his unopened bottle home with him is a big deal.

Personally I'd let this go. Sounds like you're making a fuss over quite trivial things.

The wine in the bag thing is odd, but apart from that I wouldn't call him stingy. I He organises and pays for most of your activities/time together. If you had to put a figure on it, how much would you say he has spent? £120 seems fair enough for Christmas Eve to Boxing Day for two people, not everyone does the 'mindless overspending on Christmas food'. Unless there's more to the story, I do think YABU. I understand that he earns more than you but you're not married, don't live together and have separate finances - he doesn't have to subsidise you. If you wanted him to bring more than a couple of bottles of bucks fizz, you could have just said.

I don’t think it’s about stinginess
i think he likes things to be done in a straightforward manner. He will bring what he is asked to bring after all!

you might find he finds it low effort to simply bring a bottle and if it’s not required he has it inthe cupboard ready to take to the next one ( so saving effort rather than money)
the random £60 may have been simply getting the bank transfer done and out of the way, as one less job to do!

Hit the nail on the head! Men (not all) don’t seem to think sometimes. My partner is happy to do anything around the house I ask, but if I didn’t, he just doesn’t see it mysteriously. Same with admin or money or whatever. I ask him to do something or contribute something he’s more than happy to, no problem. But he doesn’t think of it himself 🤣
It would annoy some people but to be honest, no one’s perfect and if everything else is great, there are worse battles to pick than having to be direct

This, esp My boyfriend organises events for us and pays for them, but these are mostly for things he wants to do. So overall he spends more than me on our relationship. I never ask to be taken out at his expense, and I never suggest expensive hobbies. I organise things which are cheaper or free and which reflect what I can afford. For example I’d cook a nice meal to reciprocate for him taking me out to an event.

you organise free stuff to reciprocate his paying for events.. what’s he paying for these? And also when he’s paying for expensive things your view is “oh but he wants too” But you moan about you paying for things and want him to contribute?

Odd you have focussed on Christmas as examples. Think he sounds fine

He spends more on you but your questioning if he is stingy. You're the problem.
He pays for what he organises so it's understandable that his etiquette (and that of many others) is that you cover the costs when you make a suggestion.
He brings what you ask, if you want him to bring more just tell him that instead of expecting him to be a mind reader. You should communicate with your DP instead of complaining on MN.

I think this is spot on. It’s his actions towards OP relative to his actions towards others that’s the giveaway.

Wow, such difference in views here.
I guess we’re all different. Some people won’t bring anything when invited to a dinner party because the host hasn’t specifically requested this in the invitation, while others will bring something to show their appreciation for the host’s time and efforts. I'm in the latter group, and I prefer being around like-minded people. But each to their own.

As tempting as it is, I’m going to try to refrain myself from challenging some assumptions that have been made because I don’t want to get into a debate. But I will try to clarify some points.

In terms of paying my ‘fair’ share. For shared dates, we split costs. But if he wants me to accompany him to something that's purely his thing, I don't think it’s fair for me to be expected to spend money I don’t have just to keep him company. I often don’t go with him so he wouldn’t have to spend money on a ticket for me. When I organise something, I pay. But yes, the outcome is that overall he spends more. But I also spend more than I am comfortable with in this relationship in an attempt to even things out.

Our Christmas together is not an event which I came up with and should therefore pay for by myself. It’s Xmas for both of us. We both want to celebrate and eat lots of nice food and drink christmasy drinks. I offer to cook because he would find it really stressful and because I want to treat him. Does this mean that I have to cover the entire cost by myself every year, on top of cooking?

Holidays: lets say my buget for a hotel room is £100 (as an example) and I am v happy with a £100 hotel room. If he wants a hotel room which is £150, I can’t be expected to spend money I can’t afford. He has the option to go with my £100 hotel room, or to pay the extra himself. At the same time, I do appreciate that he often spends more than me, so I want to reciprocate and do this by cooking him a nice meal, for example (which is not free, I also have to buy the ingredients on top of cooking). I have cooked him dozens of nice meals and he never brought anything. I did not mind! But when I am hosting a special event to which he is invited as a guest then yes, I think he should act like a guest.

Anyway, I am getting derailed although I said I wouldn’t. My only questions are:

1. why would he bring wine on multiple ocassions only to take it back home? The argument that he brought it in case I ran out doesn’t work because he knows I always buy lots of everything so there is never a risk of my guests wanting something I don’t have.
2. Why would he pay £60 for Xmas BEFORE I placed the order, before I knew how much the food would cost, before money left my account. Someone said that perhaps he didn’t think he was expected to pay for a certain percentage of the bill, just to make a ‘contribution’. I guess that would be like when you make a contribution if a charity approached you for donations. One gives what they want to, if they want to. But the xmas situation is very diferent indeed.

I must run but I will reply to some questions individually tomorrow.

Thanks again

Interesting how much you have changed from what you said in your opening post, presumably due to so many people saying that he doesn't appear to be stingy at all, and questioning what you have chosen to do.

Being proactive I guess with the Christmas money, you asked he delivered just not how much you thought. I guess if you both put in £60 each that’s a pretty decent Christmas dinner and snacks for Christmas Day and Boxing Day?

It still seems to be saying @Gabitule that you’re saying “when he decides to pay for things it’s all on him, but when I make decisions he has to contribute”

But he doesn't think for himself

Does he work? I bet he has to 'think for himself' there.

God I can't find that even slightly amusing or attractive

But your own logic about him spending more on the hotels he choses and how you shouldn’t be expected to pay more, you can apply that to what he’s done for Christmas. He’s given you what he thinks is half of a reasonable amount to spend over 2/3 days of Christmas eating. He’s given it before so you aren’t “out” the cost of the food at any point.
Why would it be entirely your say in term of how much to spend and on what and then expect him to blindly pay half with no say?

I don't think people in established relationships bring hostess gifts do they?

It does sound like you want him to treat you more than he does, which sounds unreasonable as he's already spending more than you.

You really can't tell someone not to bring anything then get pissed off when they don't bring somet, you must see that?

Is he sponging? She already said he pays for things when he organises them. Maybe he thinks she is stingy when he does that?

@Gabitule if you want him to bring things, ask him. My husband of 20 years wouldn’t think of just bringing a treat home. But if he asks if I need anything from the shop and I don’t but I really want a treat, I’ll say “surprise me”. He does the same.

If you wanted him to pay for the whole Christmas food, then tell him that. You say he doesn’t cook, he probably has no idea how much it all costs. If you want some nice wine, then tell him that. Perhaps he can’t explain himself because he can’t see what the problem is. He pays sometimes and you pay sometimes. He doesn’t realise you have an issue with it being when he has organised something he wants to do.

Some guys are the kind who lavish with wine and flowers, some aren’t. It seems he is the type who isn’t. That doesn’t make him stingy.

Finances between non cohabiting partners is difficult. I struggle with this too. My partner doesn't bring wine or flowers to my house when I'm cooking, or to his friends houses - it's not part of his family culture.

He earns twice what I do but probably pays about 55-60% of things we do together. I think he should pay maybe 65-70%. It gets on my nerves a bit. However he makes up for it in other ways. Dependable, loving, fantastic in bed, great fun to be with. He admits he's a bit tight with money but we can't all be perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and differences.

He can be thoughtfully and unexpectedly generous - ie thinks about something I need like a coffee machine for many months then suddenly presents it to me. He's very generous with time and practical help.

Like others - I'm baffled mainly by the hidden wine in the bag.

I would not have a boyfriend at 50 plus. What is the point. Sigh, bonkers.

ahhh, possible marriage and inheriting him. That is all there is, ok, hence the whole topic

Not sure why you’re asking if he’s stingy as it seems he puts more financially into things than you.

(Your) communication sounds poor too. He asks what you want. You don’t tell him fully or properly exactly how much you want, then get annoyed when he only does what you told him. Some people are very literal. You say ‘get two bottles’ and that’s what they do. They really won’t think beyond that - especially if they’re not used to hosting socially at home.

You’ve listed all his good points and I’m sure you can manage to better control the food and drink issues by giving him clearer guidance.

two peoples worth of turkey for 2 days does not warrant a £90 turkey. fine if you want to pay that, but also perfectly reasonable to think that she's spending far less on a turkey crown to cover a couple of meals.

I do think op that the issue is communication.
he sounds very literal

she said bring wine. I brought it. she didn't ask for it so I assumed she didn't need it else she's have asked for it.
she said give me money for food. she didn't say how much . I have her money. she tried to forensically examinate how I'd come to the amount I made a rough guess at.
I like nice places so I take her.
she likes simpler places so I go where she wants.

I mean you break up with him without a reason if you're unhappy op, he is who he is ans you know so either be direct or ditch him.
I have her money.

OP I have cooked him dozens of nice meals and he never brought anything. I did not mind! But when I am hosting a special event to which he is invited as a guest then yes, I think he should act like a guest.

I would find this expectation to move from being a your partner to being a formal guest extremely confusing!

how about just saying that you would love it if he bought a specific contribution to the dinner party - how is he meant to guess that he should act more formally when you entertain? Do you prefer him not to help you with hosting ?

He doesn’t sound stingy. He might be unsure of the unwritten social rules. So it might help if you are clearer with him. If he asks what can I bring - tell him.

£60 would be plenty to cover 2 days of food in my house at Xmas and there are 4 of us… he might not realise how much you spend. I’m certainly shocked by what I often read on here (the Xmas cheese board thread springs to mind!)