Is my bf stingy, clueless or do I have unreasonable expectation?

[Gabitule]

I’m driving myself crazy trying to make sense of my bf’s behaviour. I am trying to figure out if he is stingy or just a bit ‘unusual’ (or perhaps I’m expecting too much).

For context: We’ve been together 2.5 years. We don’t live together. Neither of us has children (it’s too late for us now). He is reliable, honest, non-confrontational, gentle and non-critical. He earns a good salary, which is double what I earn. We both have disposable income but I have to be careful wirh my spending all the time.

My boyfriend organises events for us and pays for them, but these are mostly for things he wants to do. So overall he spends more than me on our relationship. I never ask to be taken out at his expense, and I never suggest expensive hobbies. I organise things which are cheaper or free and which reflect what I can afford. For example I’d cook a nice meal to reciprocate for him taking me out to an event.

Some behaviour I find unusual:

For our first Christmas together (just the 2 of us), I hosted and paid for all food and drinks from X Eve to Boxing Day eve. I cooked/organised everything. When he asked what to bring, I said two bottles of Bucks Fizz as I forgot to buy them, and that is literally all he brought. No extra treats, no festive gestures other than a jar of cranberry sauce which he wanted and knew I wouldn’t have already bought.

For our second Christmas together (Xmas eve to Boxing day eve) which I also offered to host because he can’t really cook, I asked him to contribute financially. Given that I had paid the bill in full the year before, I hoped he would offer to cover the entire bill this time. Before I even placed the supermarket food order, he randomly transferred £60 into my account towards the food bill. I do appreciate that £60 not a small sum and one can reasonably assume that it covers more than the cost of food and drinks for one person over the festive period, so maybe he genuinely thought he was being generous. But I found it odd that he transferred the money without asking me how much the food costs.

When I calmly asked how he came to £60 or why he didn't ask what the bill actually was he became defensive, deflected, and I didn’t get a straight answer.

Another example:

If I organise a party with friends or a nice dinner, he’ll ask if I need or want him to bring anything. I tend to say no, because I don’t ‘’need’’ anything. So he doesn’t bring anything. But it would be nice if he brought something, in the same way me and my friends bring each-other wine, flowers or chocolate if we visit each-other for dinner (despite also telling each-other that we don’t need anything). At the same time, if I gave him a list of things to bring, he would 100% do it.

On more than one occasion, he brought wine or beers to a dinner/ party at my house but kept it hidden in his bag the entire time, never offered it, and took it back home with him the next day. The first time I randomly discovered the bottle in his bag I told him I found it weird but he has since done it again. Of course I asked why he bothered to bring the bottle if he didn’t plan to give it to me or didn’t even tell me he had it in case it was needed, but I could never get a clear answer out of him, regardless of how I approached the issue.

When we meet his friends he organises nice meals out and fancy cocktail bars.

What is actually happening here? Why bring a bottle of wine, keep it hidden and then take it back home? Why repeat the behaviour after being told him that I found it so weird?

Could his actions come from a calculated, transactional kind of stinginess that perhaps he is not even aware of? Or is he just wired differently and doesn’t have the necessary emotional intelligence to know how he should act?

Equally, is it possible that the issue is a non-issue? Am I being hypocritical in calling out what I perceive as his stinginess when, although I would bring a bottle of wine and chocolates to his special dinner, he spends more than me overall on our holidays and activities (because he has more expensive taste)?

I can’t figure him out at all, and I am normally so good at figuring people out. The issue is not about the amount of money but the gesture and what it symbolises and I am desperate to know if he is calculated or just a bit clueless. I cannot stand stingy people, it’s a massive turn off for me.

I am so confused.

"why would he bring wine on multiple ocassions only to take it back home?" in anyone's book that is definitely stingy behaviour.

Next time, take his contribution out of it's bag and put it beside others' contributions to the evening.

Re Christmas, if he doesn't cook or personally cater for his friends, he may, genuinely, just not, realise the generally "eye watering" cost of fully catering, from scratch, for eve/day/boxing day celebrations, 60 quid may just about cover christmas eve (1/2 of) but you should have just asked for half of what you'd actually spent.

Re: Holidays, imo, if he wants to spend more than you're prepared to, on a room then he should pay the extra amount per night, that's above your budget.

You will definitely have to be more explicit going forward before you start resenting, @Gabitule because he is interpreting your requests literally and he probably feels quite content that he is actually fulfilling those requests, in his mind, no more, no less.

I know what you mean about this OP. It’s more to do with a funny feeling you get from him not sharing your social conventions rather than straightforwardly about money. I am like you: even when someone says ‘oh, nothing’ I still come with wine and flowers.

Maybe it is that he’s embarrassed to seem on the ‘guest’ end of your gatherings and would prefer to imply he’s part of your household. Could he be worried he’s chosen ‘the wrong wine’? The wine bit is more of a mystery to me. I host Xmas, my partner doesn’t give me money but turns up with £150 of cheese, salami, cake, etc.

Oh, If you only knew the number of times I tried to have these conversations. I told him ‘this is who I am, this is what I’m able to give and this is what I expect in a relationship. What about you?’. He gives me very vague answers, he deflects, answers my questions with questions, as if he is afraid to tell me in case his answer won’t match my expectations. Or perhaps he doesn’t know who he is and want he wants? Either way, I cannot get clarity from him.

This is the explanation which makes most sense and, as we know, often the simplest explanation is the correct one. However, I just don’t fully believe that this is how he thinks. Perhaps I am in denial because I don’t want it to be true. Or perhaps he just has his own logic thay only he understands but can’t explain? I’m hoping that someone here might think like he does and might be able to explain why he acts in a certain way.
If anyone here takes drinks to a party and then takes them back home (without ever giving the drinks to the host), why do you do it?

I honestly think it's just different mindsets and approaches.

Some people don't really like seeing loads of leftover food at events and are quite precise on planned amounts being exactly as required.

X amount of set courses, one set dish per course, one set of drinks.

Others like a lot of variety of different food reflecting hosting culture or generosity of spirit. There's often excess food and drink and lots of leftovers to be managed.

Neither is right or wrong, it's just different. I offer visitors tea or coffee, some people insist on bringing out a tray with biscuits, some don't offer anything.

If he normally goes out to host and doesn't cook or host at home the venue will have a set paid menu which people order off. There won't be any excess to manage.

Well, I think he’s maybe not very socially aware of what’s required for a dinner party/Christmas. Just tell him what he needs to be giving / doing / bringing.

It’s all starting to sound very transactional and I guess that’s because you’re feeling frustrated. But what I’m reading here is that he’s probably just unaware and you need to be clearer.

I am like you I have certain conventions that I will get upset about when my partner doesn’t recognise them and find them rude.

like waiting for everyone to be served and for host to say please start, or offering guests a drink. I’ve since realised his family Whi are very kind and otherwise generous simply don’t practise them and he’s not being intentionally rude!

your partner might genuinely care for you, have no real recognition of certain niceties which I do think smooth the way socially and are lovely thoughtful habits but he may be unfamiliar or unaware of them. He might not feel comfortable discussing it with you. I know my partner found those nice generous gestures middle class / had a chip on his shoulder about them for some weird reason.

maybe just tell him what you think is important in very clear terms and say let me know later what you think.

he may have felt quite awkward and embarrassed that not giving you the wine was spotted!

I host Xmas, my partner doesn’t give me money but turns up with £150 of cheese, salami, cake, etc.

This shows how different we all are then.

If I were catering Christmas I would be pretty annoyed with people wasting money by rocking up, duplicating what I'd already got. Also no doubt wanting fridge space when there was none.

This is exactly how I think. I would have had no expectation for him to pay towards Xmas if he brought something to show participation and care, excitement for our Xmas together and a desire to treat me to something delicious - perhaps a festive drink or treats.

he wouldn’t have been embarrassed about being a guest because he got to the dinner party before he knew someone else would arrive. And he knows I’m not a wine snob so there is no wrong wine.

if only he’d tell me how he thinks :)

PS. I have had dinner guests arrive bringing an open bottle of spirits for cocktails, announce that they had been given it by people they’d previously hosted for dinner, then at the end of the night simply take it home with them!

some people just don’t do social conventions!

on the other hand they’re a lovely couple but I couldn’t help feeling offended they didn’t bring something specially for us as the host! I’m still illogically offended!

It’s just so ingrained in me that you bring a gift for the host, but not everyone does that anymore I think

But this is his partner. Do you bring a gift every time you eat at your partner's or bf's house?

That's as odd as charging him money to eat Xmas dinner over the two days that she invited him to.

£60 towards Christmas seems reasonable. If just cooking for 2, surely you don't get a huge turkey but go for pheasant or chicken or duck or turkey crown? (Or cheat and go to Cook or M&S and get the entire Christmas dinner for 2 for less than £50). That leaves £70+ for dessert ingredients, nice nibbles, cheese, bucks fizz, breakfast bits etc assuming equal contributions. You could always ask him to bring some nice wine or champagne with him as well.

Apologies that was me continuing on from my previous post before it, I’ve also said I find it strange she expects him to move from an informal role as his partner to a formal guest role at a dinner party. I would have expected them to be joint hosts even if theyre not living together

just my point of view though!

But surely before plucking a figure out of your head and transferring the money, you would have a conversation around what you were going to order/buy and how much it would come to.

Or you would speak to them about it if more money was needed and discuss it?

Maybe there is something in the language here? If you are hosting, ask if he will "provide" or "contribute" the wine/ the dessert whatever. When he arrives you take the bag from him and say with a big smile, "Oh, lovely well done that's perfect darling!"

The events (e.g talks, shows) are just with me. When we meet his friends (rarely, as they don’t live that close) we go out for drinks and meals. He does pay for me. I always offer to buy a round of drinks for everyone (not everyone gets a round). He pays for our dinner (which is expensive as it’s in expensive restaurants).

With regards to gifts, he told me when we met that he prefers experiences over physical gifts. I explained that I was ok with this for our birthdays, but that I wanted actual presents for Xmas as I never received any as a child. So we buy each-other Xmas presents.

So it’s really not really straightforward.

But that’s exactly it. He can either co-host with me (which includes helping me with buying food, preparing it, cleaning the house) or he can be a guest and bring a bottle. He can’t have the best of both worlds.

Yeah, I'm confused about both OP's point and some of the early posters.

Surely 48 hours worth of food and drink (taking into account he bought the bucks fizz, so I'm assuming you didn't drink another 7 bottles of wine as well!) for two people didn't come to more than £120?

Unless you rinsed the m&s christmas food catalogue that was doing the rounds last year, it sounds like you tend to make money off him most of the time.

I don’t think it’s particularly weird or unusual. I’d ask if anything was needed and if not, would probably arrive with flowers or alcohol or something. Some people don’t really think that way though. Some people think literally. You say you don’t want anything and he doesn’t bring anything. As another OP said, you cannot complain at all as he’s doing as requested. You said he’s spending much more than you, he maybe thinks you’re taking the advantage of him as you don’t spend money etc. Have you tried talking to him about it? Does he know how much Christmas food costs? You asked and he perhaps thought, if I go to the pub then £60 for one person is reasonable so he paid what he thought was an acceptable amount.

Balancing what he spends financially throughout the year and what you spend financially and in time, it sounds as if it’s a reasonable deal or you might be getting the better deal.

Basically this.

So you say 'this is who I am' , does that mean he needs to ignore you when you say you dont need anything becuase you will always want a token gesture?.

That is how I felt, that by transferring an amount of his choosing without even having a conversation about it, he ticked the ‘Xmas’ box on his list. Xmas was sorted for him. But I was left with figuring out what to order, planning what to eat on Xmas eve, Xmas day, what drinks to buy, deserts, then to spend time cooking everything. He would he soooo stressed if he was left in charge of that.
I’m sure that wasn’t his intention but I can’t figure out why he did it and he isn’t able to explain.

Exactly my thoughts.