Is my bf stingy, clueless or do I have unreasonable expectation?

[Gabitule]

I’m driving myself crazy trying to make sense of my bf’s behaviour. I am trying to figure out if he is stingy or just a bit ‘unusual’ (or perhaps I’m expecting too much).

For context: We’ve been together 2.5 years. We don’t live together. Neither of us has children (it’s too late for us now). He is reliable, honest, non-confrontational, gentle and non-critical. He earns a good salary, which is double what I earn. We both have disposable income but I have to be careful wirh my spending all the time.

My boyfriend organises events for us and pays for them, but these are mostly for things he wants to do. So overall he spends more than me on our relationship. I never ask to be taken out at his expense, and I never suggest expensive hobbies. I organise things which are cheaper or free and which reflect what I can afford. For example I’d cook a nice meal to reciprocate for him taking me out to an event.

Some behaviour I find unusual:

For our first Christmas together (just the 2 of us), I hosted and paid for all food and drinks from X Eve to Boxing Day eve. I cooked/organised everything. When he asked what to bring, I said two bottles of Bucks Fizz as I forgot to buy them, and that is literally all he brought. No extra treats, no festive gestures other than a jar of cranberry sauce which he wanted and knew I wouldn’t have already bought.

For our second Christmas together (Xmas eve to Boxing day eve) which I also offered to host because he can’t really cook, I asked him to contribute financially. Given that I had paid the bill in full the year before, I hoped he would offer to cover the entire bill this time. Before I even placed the supermarket food order, he randomly transferred £60 into my account towards the food bill. I do appreciate that £60 not a small sum and one can reasonably assume that it covers more than the cost of food and drinks for one person over the festive period, so maybe he genuinely thought he was being generous. But I found it odd that he transferred the money without asking me how much the food costs.

When I calmly asked how he came to £60 or why he didn't ask what the bill actually was he became defensive, deflected, and I didn’t get a straight answer.

Another example:

If I organise a party with friends or a nice dinner, he’ll ask if I need or want him to bring anything. I tend to say no, because I don’t ‘’need’’ anything. So he doesn’t bring anything. But it would be nice if he brought something, in the same way me and my friends bring each-other wine, flowers or chocolate if we visit each-other for dinner (despite also telling each-other that we don’t need anything). At the same time, if I gave him a list of things to bring, he would 100% do it.

On more than one occasion, he brought wine or beers to a dinner/ party at my house but kept it hidden in his bag the entire time, never offered it, and took it back home with him the next day. The first time I randomly discovered the bottle in his bag I told him I found it weird but he has since done it again. Of course I asked why he bothered to bring the bottle if he didn’t plan to give it to me or didn’t even tell me he had it in case it was needed, but I could never get a clear answer out of him, regardless of how I approached the issue.

When we meet his friends he organises nice meals out and fancy cocktail bars.

What is actually happening here? Why bring a bottle of wine, keep it hidden and then take it back home? Why repeat the behaviour after being told him that I found it so weird?

Could his actions come from a calculated, transactional kind of stinginess that perhaps he is not even aware of? Or is he just wired differently and doesn’t have the necessary emotional intelligence to know how he should act?

Equally, is it possible that the issue is a non-issue? Am I being hypocritical in calling out what I perceive as his stinginess when, although I would bring a bottle of wine and chocolates to his special dinner, he spends more than me overall on our holidays and activities (because he has more expensive taste)?

I can’t figure him out at all, and I am normally so good at figuring people out. The issue is not about the amount of money but the gesture and what it symbolises and I am desperate to know if he is calculated or just a bit clueless. I cannot stand stingy people, it’s a massive turn off for me.

I am so confused.

But can't he just be the boyfriend? DP used to come to parties at mine in the early days of our relationship. She wasn't a guest, because she was my girlfriend, but she also wasn't a cohost, it was a party I was throwing at my house with my friends, why would she be a co-host.

If he wasn't paying his way in other ways, then I'd get it. But he is, and you seem to be trying to get him to fit one of two niches when he's not really in either.

Some of the responses here are batshit too…it’s not hard to see why so many who want to be married never end up that way

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Please dont assume that if someone earns more than you that that means they have a huge disposable income. Most people budget, and since christmas was free for him last year, £60 is a generous contribution. Please me more direct as he responds to that.

Is he good in bed or fantastically handsome OP? If not I think he can go. He’s too weird about money. I couldn’t stand that.

This is not about who spends more in a year, surely it’s dependant on our disposable income.
If his disposable income is £1,500 per month and he spends £500 on my birthday present, does that make him more generous than me if my disposable income is £300 and I spend all of it on his birthday present?

So yes, while he may spend more than me on ‘us’, I absolutely spend a higher percentage of my disposable income on ‘us’.

"If his disposable income is £1,500 per month and he spends £500 on my birthday present, does that make him more generous than me if my disposable income is £300 and I spend all of it on his birthday present?"

Yes, yes it does. He is the more generous one in that scenario.

Given that you don’t live together and do not share children no I don’t think that your bf should spend more money on you just because he earns more money. If you are feeling uncomfortable with his level of financial contribution then pull back on the outings so you save money or dump him and find a man who is willing to pay to cover you financially. You sound hypocritical as you have admitted that he spends more money than you on your dates but you seem to think you are entitled to more because he is wealthier?

Yes, perhaps this is all there is. I would prefer it if it was this. If only he communicated better so I could understand what he thinks

Does he know this or how you feel? This is all about lack of communication and differences in expectations.

i didn’t comment earlier on the bottles he brings and keeps in a bag. it’s likely just in case you need them / what you have runs out. You have enough so he just takes them home again.

Do you expect him to contribute something every time you make a meal for him? Even when you say he doesn’t need to bring anything? I think that’s unreasonable. Do you contribute anything when you go out? He pays for the meal and you pay for the drinks or the taxi, or does he pay for it all? Sounds as if he might pay it all. I don’t really think you’re can complain!

Does he know you have to be careful financially? It’s all about communication or lack of it.

I doubt if he is clueless.
The important point is he is certainly no "open hand" personally that gives me the ick instantly.
You are expecting gestures, and you are not going to get them.
A person who brings wine/beer to a party but does not get it out and takes it home is incredibly tight, and knows it- not clueless , not thoughtless, but stingy in the worst possible way.

Im in the camp of why aren't you asking him to bring things?? I dont think he is necessarily mean - he might be - or he might just not think like this....

If someone says, what can I bring - I say, whatever you'd love to drink... and sometimes they bring something more, sometimes they dont... and that's okay.

I loved the wording of a PP about wine and some flowers if you fancy getting some.

Why not for Christmas say Ill do the food and it would be great if you do all the drinks, I really fancy a nice bottle of dessert wine, a gorgeous box of chocolates and a lovely champagne? and then chat about what else would make it feel special for both of you?

@Gabitule do you think he may be clueless as to the cost of christmas food and drink? If he isn’t much of a cook maybe he really doesn’t know, although unlikely …

He seems very comfortable with generosity when HE is choosing the activity and therefore controlling what the money is spent on, but strangely tight when the spending is for something you value or organise.

I also think it's not about money for you OP, you would just like him to be more thoughtful.

I think WhereYouLeftIt sounds bang on. My theory was kind of similar, that he knows it looks rude not to bring anything so he brings an 'insurance' bottle in case anyone criticises him, so he can pull it out if they do. But I think the self-denial aspect makes it more believable this is how he thinks. The other possible explanations I can think of is he's fussy about his wine and wants to make sure there is something he likes but has so far been happy with what you provided (he sounds selfish enough for it to be this). Or perhaps with a more kind lens on he could feel insecure about his choice of bottle and put off pulling it out in case he gets it wrong. But that sounds unlikely from the other things you have said.

Honestly to me he just sounds a bit selfish, he is generous when he wants to be but maybe just stingy where it doesn't matter to him. The £60 could be because he simply doesn't think Xmas dinner etc. is worth spending more than £120 on and doesn't care to discuss it because he's not interested in budging on that. My partner is similar, will be generous in buying me something I don't want because he's getting himself one, while dragging his heels on buying something I have actually asked for because he doesn’t think it's worth buying. He wants to feel generous/get a performance of gratitude from me without actually giving up any autonomy on how his money is spent.

I know you've said you've tried to discuss it and my partner can be similarly evasive because he isn't very self reflective and sometimes simply doesn't want to face up to crappy behaviour. The only thing I have found works is telling him specifically the only explanation I can come up with and asking him if that's it. I tend to have to do this a few times over a period though so it's not a quick fix. And ultimately the answer I end up with is something along the lines of 'ok yes I've realised I do expect you to do all dog related chores because it was your suggestion to get a dog even though I encouraged you to go ahead and refused to think through any practicalities first'. The acknowledgement in itself doesn't change the behaviour but I find it easier to put up with if he can at least be honest with me about what's driving it. And it also helps me to work out how I can live with it (eg stop hoping he will one day realise the dog is a living creature and her needs should therefore be a priority and instead assign him chores that directly affect him e.g. cooking dinner, because he will ensure those get done). I don't know what the analogous solution would be here - maybe make him host an occasion so he understands the work involved more keenly? I am petty and will sometimes reflect the behaviour I am receiving back and then when my partner complains, I point out that I am just reproducing what he does. It doesn't tend to go down well in the moment but I do think it gets the message across more effectively. I only try this if modelling the behaviour I want to see from him first over a long time hasn't done the trick. So if I were you and had hosted him several times without a contribution, I would do something similar like bringing wine to his but not taking it out. His reaction will tell you if he just thinks this is ok behaviour or if he deep down knows he's being stingy.

Ahh each to their own. I’d rather his flaw be that than cheating on me, or a shit dad, or addicted to the Xbox or whatever else. Yep he works. Like I say nobody’s perfect and it would annoy some, but we just play to our strengths and weaknesses and that works for us so that’s all that matters

This - you'd like him to guess that you'd like more than you say you want (in terms of what he brings, and financial contributionto xmas meal), but not everyone is good at doing that, and maybe this is partly why he hadnt settled down. But as he's otherwise nice, kind and generous, you can choose whether this is a dealbreaker for you, or if you're prepared to accept that he's not perfect, and tell him what you'd really like from him.

@Gabitule

I did wonder reading your post why when he asks you want you want him to bring you don't just tell him exactly just that. Why do you do this?

You said he can't really cook so I imagine he has no clue how much Christmas food costs - when he sent £60 and you didn't think it was enough why did you just not say "hey DP thanks for the £60 transfer but I've costed up the menu and stuff we need from this day to see us through to this day, could you send another £60 as food as gone up a lot?" or whatever - in your own words.

I really don't like it when someone asks what to bring and the other person says nothing so then person who asked takes that at face value and then the other person gets the hump. You are in a relationship - just say what you actually mean in real time.

Why do you keep saying "nothing" when that is not actually what you want?

I think people who do this are quite manipulative in a way; if I ask what you need to bring just tell me. Even if you say "I have already bought everything, so if you don't mind sending me over £x that would be really appreciated".

Especially since is he pretty much subbing you the rest of the year. If you don't like the fancy cocktail bars anymore because it feels unbalanced for you, then just have that conversation and meet somewhere in the middle.

I agree - the taking wine bottle back home is weird - I will give you that. I also do know to bring wine/flowers/treats or something if I am being hosted but you do seem a tiny bit like you set him up to fail sometimes. Just say what you mean.

Agree. Even if he is keeping his contributions what he considers “correct” and imho that’s very debatable, he is mean of spirit.

And he makes so little effort. To just bring exactly what is asked for at Christmas without any little treats or extra thoughtful gifts is pretty miserly and lacking in imagination and initiative if you ask me.

My dh would have gone to M&S and got the ingredients for the Buck’s Fizz and thrown in a load of extras treats and some flowers on top of if I had been cooking Christmas lunch for him and he knew I earned half of what he did. And that would be on top of a nice present.

Also I think his behaviour is telling you something op. That he is willing to splash out and be generous with his friends but not with you, That you constitute a separate category in his mind in which he invests less.

And I cannot abide the meanness of someone who brings alcohol to an event and then collects it up at the end of the evening if it hasn’t been drunk and takes it home. Not only is that mean, it is appallingly bad manners.

Op I felt very bad for you when you wrote that he always takes you out to do something he wants to do. That alone is pretty selfish isn’t it?

And do you really want to be saddled with a bloke who can’t cook in this day and age?

You list his many good qualities but does he make your heart beat faster and does he make you laugh? Does he ever surprise you with something spontaneous and thoughtful? He sounds like Victor Meldrew! Life is too short to “settle”.

Op I wanted to add in answer to your question as to whether he is stingy or clueless … that it doesn’t really matter because the upshot is the same… and I very much doubt that he is lying in bed late at night trying to analyse you in the same way.

You definitely don’t have unreasonable expectations op and any woman who thinks differently must feel they deserve very little imho.

Are you certain he is worth all of this analysis?

But the things outside of the house are not things that op has chosen to do jointly with her bf. He always does what he wants to do.

She doesn’t particularly want to go out for expensive dinners but her preferences are not considered. .

And he earns twice her wage!

I am sorry OP, but I don’t understand your logic. Yes, a guest should bring wine or chocolates and I always do that with friends, but I find it weird that you sometimes expect your boyfriend to be a guest and sometimes not. As a boyfriend of couple of years, he doesn’t feel that he is guest at your event, he feels he is your boyfriend and treats him being there not as invitation but as part of being in your life. Hence, he asks if you need anything and when you say no, he doesn’t bring anything. If you said you needed something he would have brought it. I think you and him are at different stages in your relationship, he feels he is part of your life and dropped formalities, you still see him as a separate person and expect different behaviour at different times.
also with x mas I understand why he transferred you money before you placed order. You said you needed contribution and he probably thought, she might be low on money so let me transfer straightaway. I probably would have done the same, maybe I would have just asked in advance is 60 enough before doing it, but I wouldn’t wait for your to place order and then pick up calculator and tell me exact number.
I also think that even though you say it was x mas for both of you, in his mind you offered to cook and host so he took it as something you organise and pay for, the same way when he asks you to come to event with him. You have these templates in your mind on when and how you should pay and when and how he should pay, and they are pretty complicated. You cook him nice meal in return for events he is paying for, but cooking nice meal for Xmas is different - how could he know that? it is very confusing.
the only weird thing he does is bringing wine and then taking it home, but my guess is he brings it in case you run out he has extra, and when you don’t run out he takes it home.
from what you described, he is not stingy and not clueless. If anyone counting money in your relationship, it is you, OP, sorry.

Are you for real…if only he communicated better…the man asks you if you want him to bring anything and you say no, when you mean yes! 🤦‍♀️

Is this communication issue part of a wider thing, is it more that you feel he could naturally intuit more aspects of your relationship?

And the money issue is the most easily describable and obvious difference between you.

for example, you say you hoped that by bringing up the guest and hosting issues you hoped to bring up a wider discussion. Around different perspectives etc. do you get the impression he’s new to long term relationships?

Yes maybe he did genuinely bring wine in case it ran out - nothing more complicated than that? If he’s not used to concept of bringing wine as offering for the host this does actually make sense, very practical in a way