Is my bf stingy, clueless or do I have unreasonable expectation?

[Gabitule]

I’m driving myself crazy trying to make sense of my bf’s behaviour. I am trying to figure out if he is stingy or just a bit ‘unusual’ (or perhaps I’m expecting too much).

For context: We’ve been together 2.5 years. We don’t live together. Neither of us has children (it’s too late for us now). He is reliable, honest, non-confrontational, gentle and non-critical. He earns a good salary, which is double what I earn. We both have disposable income but I have to be careful wirh my spending all the time.

My boyfriend organises events for us and pays for them, but these are mostly for things he wants to do. So overall he spends more than me on our relationship. I never ask to be taken out at his expense, and I never suggest expensive hobbies. I organise things which are cheaper or free and which reflect what I can afford. For example I’d cook a nice meal to reciprocate for him taking me out to an event.

Some behaviour I find unusual:

For our first Christmas together (just the 2 of us), I hosted and paid for all food and drinks from X Eve to Boxing Day eve. I cooked/organised everything. When he asked what to bring, I said two bottles of Bucks Fizz as I forgot to buy them, and that is literally all he brought. No extra treats, no festive gestures other than a jar of cranberry sauce which he wanted and knew I wouldn’t have already bought.

For our second Christmas together (Xmas eve to Boxing day eve) which I also offered to host because he can’t really cook, I asked him to contribute financially. Given that I had paid the bill in full the year before, I hoped he would offer to cover the entire bill this time. Before I even placed the supermarket food order, he randomly transferred £60 into my account towards the food bill. I do appreciate that £60 not a small sum and one can reasonably assume that it covers more than the cost of food and drinks for one person over the festive period, so maybe he genuinely thought he was being generous. But I found it odd that he transferred the money without asking me how much the food costs.

When I calmly asked how he came to £60 or why he didn't ask what the bill actually was he became defensive, deflected, and I didn’t get a straight answer.

Another example:

If I organise a party with friends or a nice dinner, he’ll ask if I need or want him to bring anything. I tend to say no, because I don’t ‘’need’’ anything. So he doesn’t bring anything. But it would be nice if he brought something, in the same way me and my friends bring each-other wine, flowers or chocolate if we visit each-other for dinner (despite also telling each-other that we don’t need anything). At the same time, if I gave him a list of things to bring, he would 100% do it.

On more than one occasion, he brought wine or beers to a dinner/ party at my house but kept it hidden in his bag the entire time, never offered it, and took it back home with him the next day. The first time I randomly discovered the bottle in his bag I told him I found it weird but he has since done it again. Of course I asked why he bothered to bring the bottle if he didn’t plan to give it to me or didn’t even tell me he had it in case it was needed, but I could never get a clear answer out of him, regardless of how I approached the issue.

When we meet his friends he organises nice meals out and fancy cocktail bars.

What is actually happening here? Why bring a bottle of wine, keep it hidden and then take it back home? Why repeat the behaviour after being told him that I found it so weird?

Could his actions come from a calculated, transactional kind of stinginess that perhaps he is not even aware of? Or is he just wired differently and doesn’t have the necessary emotional intelligence to know how he should act?

Equally, is it possible that the issue is a non-issue? Am I being hypocritical in calling out what I perceive as his stinginess when, although I would bring a bottle of wine and chocolates to his special dinner, he spends more than me overall on our holidays and activities (because he has more expensive taste)?

I can’t figure him out at all, and I am normally so good at figuring people out. The issue is not about the amount of money but the gesture and what it symbolises and I am desperate to know if he is calculated or just a bit clueless. I cannot stand stingy people, it’s a massive turn off for me.

I am so confused.

This seems like a communication issue.
You skirt around what he says when you query things. What doe he actually say when you ask why he brings alcohol in his bag ,doesnt say he has brought it then takes it home?
When you ask him why he chose to give 60 pounds toward christmas food wht did he actually say?
He perhaps feels he pays more towards you joint socialising by paying for expensive outings so you should cover the things you arrange as they ae less expensive.
Expecting him to guess that you want him to bring something extra when hes asked and you stipulated he bring x seems unreasonable.
Have a conversation and get to the bottom of it.
Honestly, if a man brought wine to a dinner party,didnt give it to the host and kept it secreted in his bag and took it home id find that very unattractive but would ask for an explanation before binning him.

I can’t imagine ever expecting someone I host at my home to pay for the privilege…especially not my partner who pays for all my holidays and expensive meals out through the year. I agree with PPs that if you want him to contribute, when he asks say ‘yes please dessert would be nice/a bottle of wine’ or whatever you would actually appreciate. My DH is crap at that kind of thing because it doesn’t occur to him. I have to say, even now, ‘please buy me flowers and some chocolates’ etc.

Do you see the relationship moving to a space where you live together or similar? If so, you’ll need to have a more open conversation about bills etc.

I absolutely hate people who do this in a generic dinner party type situation. I can kind of understand at a BYOB party, such as a house party or similar where everyone only drinks what they have brought with them, taking home what’s left (although I don’t do this). I can’t really see an explanation for it other than tightness.

I assumed the transfer in advance was so she wouldn't be left short at the shop - as I said it seems like a reasonable estimate. But also if it came to loads more surely OP could have asked him to bring any remaining items with him e.g. wine or chocolate or whatever.

If you can't ask direct questions and have him answer them, you have a MAJOR communication problem.

I really agree with this. I think you're being unfair on him, actually. Communicate and say what you actually mean. There will be much less resentment.

Yes, that is really the nub of the issue and not the stinginess. Although I would say lack of initiative is also problematic. If you can’t talk to him about any of this though then it points to a larger issue about fundamental incompatibility. And that he isn’t open to self-reflection, collaboration, or respectful or curious about your opinions. Her just dismisses them. Closing up and not discussing things is still communication and the message isn’t a positive one.

I’m old now op and I am decluttering my clothes. The great thing about post-menopausal clarity and life experience is that if it doesn’t fit any longer, out it goes. If I have to do lots of faddling around to make the colour or fit work, out it goes. If I can only wear it in certain very specific circumstances, out it goes. And even if it is nearly right but not quite, out it goes. And the same rules, imho, should apply to men.

I think communicate better. He isn't a mind reader. Yes he should just do it but you tell him one thing and deep down expect another. Be clear and concise. Stop the smoke and mirrors. If you want a certain amount then tell him. When he asked if he should bring something say yes. When he asked you what to bring and you asked for the fizz drinks, you should have said oh bring some dessert or something else. This will fix this.

He seems quite literal. If I can tell this from your description, you must know this by now. If he says, 'Do you need me to bring anything?' say, 'Yes, please - a bottle of cava and some chocolates for after dinner, please,' rather than 'No.'

If he brings drink in a carrier bag and you see it, just get it out of the bag and into the fridge or onto the table and ensure it gets opened.

For Christmas, just be honest. Explain that you love hosting but don't earn as much as him, so if he enjoys the effort you put in, please would he split the cost with you, (and maybe some of the graft too). But it may be that he prefers less fuss and less expense at christmas, so you can't entirely expect him to pay for half of what you choose to spend if he's inclined ot something simpler. Just as he pays your pay for things he loves, he might expect you to cover the cost of doing thinsg your way at Christmas.

Wow.
If you asked me to bring a bottle of wine... and I brought a bottle of wine... I'd be hurt to discover you were giving me a good kicking over the fact I'd done exactly what you asked me to do.

On an ordinary day, yes I can understand that.

But not at Christmas when your host does all of the cooking, you contribute nothing else, and they earn half of what you do?

I also think that this is true. Attending a dinner party without a token of appreciation for the host, is really bad manners and stingy, why wouldn't you do it? Most hosts would say I don't need anything! The wine in the bag, is definitely so that he can "say" that he brought something.
By spending more on holidays is because that is his preference, he isn't doing it for you! so that is a moot point.
If it was me, moving forward I would be more direct, Christmas I would suck up a bad meal at his, or I would help him in his own kitchen so that he has the expense of it all. Take a token bottle of bucks fizz. When you're hosting ask him to bring 2 bottles of wine etc.. when he arrives with it take it off him and store wherever you normally do. Hopefully he will then get the message!

He asked what to bring.
She told him what to bring... which he did ..... and then she complained about it.
Be specific... he asked FFS. Don't give half an answer then get annoyed when he didn't read her mind.

He generally pays more when he wants her to attend somewhere with him, or for a more expensive hotel room which he wants, it's not out of the goodness of his heart.

When you take a bottle to a party that is BYOB absolutely fine to take the remains home, to take home a bottle after you've drunk and ate the host's food and alcohol all night is very bad manners and extremely stingy IMO.

Couple of thoughts and questions:

• was his upbringing one where they struggled financially?
• is he a very literal person?
• is he generous in other ways?

I always bring something when I go to a friend's house but I was taught that by my mother who would rant a lot at people arriving empty handed. I have lots of friends that never bring anything. They seem to think the host supplies everything. I assume that's how they were raised.

My partner is very literal in his thinking so I often see him in socially awkward situations where he just doesn't get things. He complains about it.

I imagine this is the real cause of the wine in the bag issue. He's a literal minded person trying to reconcile:-

1. He knows he should bring something;
2. OP has told him not to bring something.

And this is his compromise.

I bet he doesn't do very well, when OP plays the "I'm not going to tell you why I'm unhappy, if you really loved me you'd know" game.

Why should he “understand “ it? If by “understand “ you mean see things from your point of view. He likes it this way. He isn’t going to have an “ahah” moment.

Well then I think you should follow your instincts about him. I get the impression you think he is mean with money, and that may be a deal breaker for you, it woud be for me.

Alternatively, next time you host and he asks, 'Should he bring anything? Give him a list. If he brings it without a second thought, (and actually opens his bag and gets it out) he isn't mean, just a bit scatty or thoughtless.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Someone said that I only respond to comments I agree with. I don't really see the point in arguing with points I don't agree with (no, he doesn’t pay for ‘’ALL my holidays’’ and no, he doesn’t spend ‘’a LOT more than me’’) and getting into endless back-and-forths.

Some people have said it's my fault because I haven't told him exactly what to buy. But from the beginning I've explained that I'm not going to tell someone that I ‘need’ flowers or chocolates, because I don't actually need those things but I would be delighted to receive them when these are given from the heart. To me, generosity and thoughtfulness are about someone wanting to do something nice for you without being prompted, not someone responding to a request for an item.

I've bought drinks or food to take to his house many times, unprompted, not because this was needed but because it feels nice to give.

I also think generosity means different things to different people. It's not really about the amount of money spent but the intention behind it and the thought shown. For example, if I'm exhausted after a week of work and my boyfriend says, "You look tired, don't worry about cooking tonight, let's grab a pizza from the little place on the corner," and buys me a £15 pizza, that feels generous to me. What doesn't feel generous is being taken to an expensive restaurant because he wants to see me wearing a particular sexy dress that only really suits the occasion he's chosen. The former has not happened, the latter has!

I've explained all of this to him. Whether he genuinely understands it, I don't know, because he still acts as though he doesn't see any problem at all. But even if he does understand, I don't want someone forcing themselves to be generous or doing it resentfully just because they've been told they should.

Someone suggested that I should stop putting so much effort into cooking for him if I feel the balance is off. But that would mean changing something about myself that I actually like. It would mean giving less because the other person gives less, and I don't really want to become that person.

As I've mentioned before, I've tried having these conversations with him many times. I've asked why he transferred £60 without checking what the bill actually was. Why £60 and not £40 or £70? Why bring a bottle of wine only to keep it hidden away and then take it home afterwards? I wasn't trying to criticise him. I was genuinely trying to understand how he thinks. But he either doesn't want to answer those questions or isn't able to.

Reading everyone's different perspectives has been helpful. If anything, it's reinforced what my instincts have been telling me all along. If his generosity only appears when it benefits him socially or makes him look good in front of others, but disappears in situations where nobody is watching, then I don't think I could compromise enough to make that work long term. That's heartbreaking, because he has many lovely qualities, and I feel torn about it all the time.

Writing this post has also reminded me of other small issues I'd pushed to the back of my mind. I think I need to have another conversation with him. More than anything, I need him to be able to talk about these things without becoming defensive or making me feel like I'm crazy. I suspect the conversation may go the same way as the previous ones, but I have to try as this is eating me up.

Thanks again for all your insights. I really do appreciate hearing the different perspectives.

This.
I am baffled what he has done wrong tbh.

He doesn't live there and you've invited him, so why would he co-host himself or you, the home owner? He's a guest. Then when he asks what to bring, you literally tell him nothing. He takes you at your word and you get mad because you don't say what you mean.

It kind of sounds like you can't afford to be in a relationship unless he pays.

Your communication needs work. Why are you afraid to ask him to bring wine or whatever it is you want?

Charging your partner to stay over Xmas or any holiday when you've invited him is tacky. If you can't afford to have him for dinner or holidays, tell him it's too expensive to cook for more than yourself anymore.

I think if he pays more when you go out to things you can’t afford the imbalance is more on his side than yours. Are these things he pays for things you want to do? Are we talking meals, experiences or holidays? Personally if he is paying for you almost every time you go out it seems petty to ask for stuff if you are cooking at home which is cheaper.

Two things stand out to me. The first is that you are spending more than you are comfortable spending. The second is that you would like him to communicate better.

Id say both of these are in your control. We would all like to be understood without needing to explain what we want.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

How do you think it helps him to communicate clearly if you telling him you don’t need him to bring anything without mentioning that it would please you if he brought something as a gift to acknowledge your efforts, even though there is nothing you have forgotten to get.

He clearly is operating on different rules to you. I get the impression that you have explained your expectations and he neither suggests alternatives nor meets your expectations.

If that is correct, then he is communicating by showing you who he is. It’s up to you to decide whether you can live with that.

Once again host, he doesn’t consider himself her guest - he considers himself as part of couple

This entirely. A lot of the time, you seem to be expecting him to ‘read your mind’! The wine left in the bag us a bit strange though.