The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Ah no sorry to hear this. I agree with you that after saying that he should be drawing a line not asking what you think, that’s a bit unfair because then you’d be investing in someone who has already told you he doesn’t see it going anywhere if you want to see him still.

Its going to hurt like hell but I’d step away 💐 xx

4 months now - every time in person is amazing and better than last - but it’s an awkward spot I think this 4 months.

not a couple as official couple no not really - still half dating really as in each time he asks to see me is a new date, like a surprise - only it’s not as it’s a regular routine same days, same stuff, apart from one off events here and there - and it seemed especially set as he just recently morphed into saying ‘are you coming wherever’ like it’s already a permanent set up, rather than ‘would you like to’.

Though that itself changed Friday and he had sumat on but asked me out for Saturday - as it was late on the Friday I was told, and had expected the Friday after so many weeks, I was annoyed and I said so - only Friday is not really set in stone so idk. We resolved that Saturday ok.

It’s hard to explain- we do more together like shopping 👀🤣 or something nicer at times lol - but the days are now (generally!) so fixed it’s a bit ‘stagnant’ in terms of moving forwards. I mean idk what forwards would look like anyhow but 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m still enjoying it and he’s still lovely - which raised my bar massively haha - but have to see how it continues I guess.

@BananaPopcorn- that’s so disappointing and equally frustrating. It’s like he wants his cake and eat it. I had a Mr Player - always wanted to keep seeing me but not as in a relationship as I saw one - I was attached and didn’t walk as I should have done and do wish I had done.

I think as others said just don’t give him any energy - or discuss ‘his not feeling it’ further.

I’ve been the master at both rambly texts and passive aggressive ones - I now run those looking like that through AI which helps get my tone as I want it. Did you reply yet?

Be kind to yourself - he wasn’t the one / the more so for how he’s handling it - either weakly or with a convenient situation in mind for himself - you are the prize and deserve better.

Sounds promising if he's had some time to think about it and you've already had a trial run. Fingers crossed the timing is right this time :)

Four months feels like a couple to me, I guess the important thing is whether he's consistent. Or as my friend says "is he a Dick, and does he treat you well?".

@BananaPopcorn my best reply would be leave it on read 😘😘😘

@EeshaCongrats on the job! And you will feel that sy with someone again. Sounds like you have plenty of other positive things going on in life anyway!

Oh, so sorry lovely - that's in my opinion quite an annoying and frustrating message to receive - because (and I could be misreading it) I think by saying that he wants to keep seeing you, and "what did you think?" he is hinting towards a FWB type set up, in which he continues to get the pleasure and enjoyment of seeing you, but doesn't have to give any commitment because he's has made it clear it's not going anywhere.

FWB is fine if that's what both people want and are looking for, but it annoys me when someone (usually a man in my experience but I am sure not always) tries to "downgrade" the relationship to this status. And maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I read this message.

It's fine to say that you don't wee things going anywhere, but at that point the respectful rhinr is just to end it, or at least leave it to you to suggest it if you wanted to keep seeing him on casual terms .....

(There may be a load of projection going on in my post there, so apologies if so).

Anyway, more importantly, how are you feeling about it all? And have you decided what you are going to do, if anything? X

To be honest, right now I don't know for sure. The sensible answer is no, as, even though as I have admitted before I was far from perfect (I asked too much, didn't show enough appreciation) he really raised the bad behaviour stakes by cheating. And not just a one off either, far from it. I'd need to feel confident that we had both worked on ourselves enough that nothing like that could happen again.

Also, I would have to think carefully about the impact on my daughter. I don't think it would be fair to make her go through us breaking up again, so we would need to be as confident as we could be that it would work.

Anyway, it's all very much theoretical as I actually have no idea whether he wants this. Which sounds strange as I know him very well and can usually read him quite well, but not on this one.

My guess would be that if he could wave a magic wand and go back to us being together, probably he would? But he would be very reluctant to break things off with his partner (the woman he had the affair with that caused me to leave). She stayed loyal to him through months of him begging me not to leave (she knew about it). Has stayed loyal through him cheating as well, apparently (though it's possible she doesn't know about this). He probably feels he owes her something and wouldn't easily want to hurt her - he hates people thinking badly of him! Though he doesn't live with her, they have been together (on and off) a long time now ....

God knows. I am probably giving it too much headspace. He has recently really stepped up the time he is spending with me (and DD - always as a three) and even my mom and brother are remarking on it and questioning what he wanta. Maybe I need to give things with Cricket a go as that would be a good distraction.

@Ilovelurchers it's super ironic that he behaved that way and doesn't want people to think badly of him.

I guess there's a chat to be had and then he would need to make himself single before starting afresh with you?

Oh balls. That sucks. Sounds like such a near miss. At least he was honest and didn’t string you along until he found someone else. 💐

I like your friends’ summary lol.

Mr T is not a dick and he treats me well so there’s that ha - he’s consistent too really tbf - I don’t always see this till I think about it.

The comms are still a bit awkward around the edges - difficult to define - and the ‘routine’ we have fairly fixed but not completely so. I am conscious it could end up a sort of FWB situation and I want a bit more than that if it carries on - though not the whole enmeshed lives - so that’s hard to define to someone too haha!

I’m away next weekend, a long one wiping all our regular days in the week, so I’ll see if he attempts a different day to actually see me - tbh he looks baffled at how he could rearrange anything when I or he can’t do a certain day though, so I don’t hold out much hope ha!

He’s away in September and does currently have a lot on so I may pick this up after that though not sure how - I’m bad at these conversations- plus I hate them!

Still currently being conscious of not over texting, having an apparent life so I can have some boundaries over last minute stuff lol though I have probably not done this enough.

He said a bit ago, in general conversation it came up, that he couldn’t imagine how I ended up in my marriage as he can’t see me ever taking carp from men! I am sorta pleased with that perception but my god it’s wrong lol - and I’ve at times given him a masterclass in how I easily end up taking carp from folk by turning up on very last minute invites and offering to help with stuff - must’ve done it with a style I didn’t know I have haha! But he’s really a lovely person and doesn’t do this to be carp I guess, so maybe it’s that.

Dating is so full of stuff to consider in my overthinking brain - I would have so much time if I’d not gone back on OLD lol!

@Ilovelurchers- it’s a hard one. At the least your ex is really enjoying his time with you and his daughter - that definitely counts for something.

I do love how they just sometimes hope stuff will resolve itself without them being involved- I guess he might like it if his current lady maybe ran off or something- I’d like it if my flat cleared up after itself so I get the hope lol - just you have to make a decision and be active in resolving whatever it is.

The cheating is a big one though - I think some relationships can get past it and some can’t - it’s a long time on so there’s that. When I’ve been cheated on, very different circumstances, it ends up throwing everything they say into doubt and I turn on my not so super detective skills at all times - which isn’t good for me or fair to the relationship- but there are ways to get past it l think.

Has Mr Cricket secured a date yet? It’s difficult to be interested in 2 at once - but in a way it could be a benefit at first as you won’t be so invested in him whilst you get to know if he’s got potential or not - I think guys can tell this and then make more effort.

@MsJinks this stood out to me in what you said

But he’s really a lovely person and doesn’t do this to be carp I guess, so maybe it’s that.

This might be good to unpick - no pressure to do it here, obv.

What does he do and what are the clunky bits around comms. Does he make you feel you're cherished/prioritised. What would you want more of/less of.

I have been lurking in the background and sending out positive vibes to those that need them! I went in my first date in literally a decade following a lot of chatting via app and on the phone. The first date he wasn't what I expected physically but we had such a spark. We organised the 2nd date while still on the first date as it was clear that we both wanted to see each other again. 2nd date was really good and we again sparked off each other. We organised the 3rd date while together. Straight after the date we were messaging as much as ever. Suddenly he has a work issue, has fallen asleep and the messaging has dropped right off. Is this because we have the 3rd date planned so no need for as much messaging, to be fair I enjoyed it but it took up a lot of my time! Or is the work issue taking up his brain space. Or is he doing a slow fade! I guess I need to be patient and see if date 3 happens! We have a town to meet in but no specifics currently. I have come off the apps as I didn't feel comfortable talking to others and meeting him. Please help a complete newbie who is really impatient!!!

I replied and said 'you're saying you want to keep seeing me but you don't see it going anywhere, so I'm not really sure what you're asking of me?'. He said he didn't know either, and he said again how gutted he is because we have so much in common and get on so well.

I did reply again and say 'for what it's worth I feel like you're over thinking it a bit, a slow burn is a healthier way to start a relationship. It's not been very long, if you were declaring big feelings or being in love with me I'd probably be terrified 😂but if it's how you feel then that's how you feel I guess'.

He's come back now and said maybe it is a slow burn after all and he really wants to keep seeing me. I'm so conflicted 😭my gut is telling me I need to just end it now because I think if I kept seeing him now then I'd always feel like I'm not good enough and it would probably all end in tears anyway further down the line. It's just crap though as I really like him.

Thank you 😊yeah I do feel like it's giving cake and eat it vibes sadly. I did reply (see above), it's all still a bit up in the air but ultimately I think I need to just end it and keep my pride intact. Will probably run any further replies through AI though, you're right it can be really helpful with tone etc!

I did also wonder if he was hinting at FWB. Funnily enough, one of my close friends suggested yesterday that I do that. Shut down any further thought of a relationship and keep him as a FWB. I'm not sure. On one hand I wouldn't rule out a FWB (sometimes I'm unsure if I even want a relationship at the moment). But I don't know if I'm making a fool of myself if I do that. And would have to be really careful of not developing more feelings or anything. Ugh I don't know. It's either that, or just sack him off completely. I do still feel very sad and deflated about it all x

@BananaPopcornPutting in my outsider perspective I think if you were happy with FWB you would be going with his suggestion and not hesitating. My impression is that although you might not want a 'serious' relationship you equally don't want FWB. FWB is something people often decide that they want and pursue actively. I would be ripping off the plaster and moving on. Remember your self worth. He is not treating you with the respect that is due - if he wanted FWB he should have been clear from the start. He probably knew this was a nonstarter and now you are interested is introducing the idea.

I've definitely never been against FWB, but I think the issue here is that's not what I was pursuing with him, we were both looking for something long term. So while even now I wouldn't rule out a FWB, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to do that with someone who I'd wanted to pursue a relationship with. Does that make sense?

I should add here that in his message about not having the 'big feelings' he did also say 'I know we both aren't looking for something temporary or just a fun time. We're both in this for something long term and serious. I just dot get why I'm feeling like there's something missing, and I don't know what to do about it'.

I think deep down I know the answer. It's just I'm generally known for making bad decisions that I know will end in tears 😂

@BananaPopcornI completely agree and the narrative has changed. Thanks but no thanks and move on :)

@BananaPopcorn i think with FWB, you need to be on the same page. This situation would make me wonder if im good enough for sex, why not more - and that in itself would majorly piss me off.

Sending love.

This happens and I'm not sure why - but if it was me I would get back on the apps and chatting again.

You may never know why, but he is not consistent is he?

So sorry.

If you are not exclusive then perhaps you could see other people and try to take your mind off him, see if he steps up?

This one knows how to bring the drama!

@Nosdacariadyou are absolutely right! Back on the apps. He has shown me though, after a long marriage of feeling not enough, that I am actually interesting and attractive so that to me is a win win :)