The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Nosdacariad- thank you for the new thread - you do a sterling job and such great advice.

How’s it going with you? Crashes and drunks aren’t the best I know - but it’s on them, about them bigging themselves up - forgetting to use the right mirror instead of their funhouse one - and nothing to do with you at all - you are the prize and those 2 never deserved that 💗

I'm with @Mildred007 on this one.

He is setting up a situation where he makes zero effort and you are not allowed to ask for anything.

Lovelylurchers, do you see how you second-guessed yourself a bit here? Like I do all the time 😁

Fire him from a cannon into the bin!

Oh congratulations! I hope this works out beautifully!

Eta sorry you're dealing with a difficult co parent. I know that's a nightmare💜

Oh MsJinks thank you 😍 crashes and dunks 😅

I'm a bit fed up but drunks took my mind off crashes, and I know what they are both doing - waiting for their respective pubs to open!

How are YOU?

And @BoxOfCats how are you, and your new neighbour?

i am doing well thank you! 💐

New neighbour Mr Charismatic is lovely. He came to my new place for dinner at the weekend and brought me a lthoughtful housewarming gift. We realised we both work from home on the same days so agreed it would be lovely to have lunch or a cheeky after-work wine together once we are out of the depths of winter here.

I am in two minds about whether to attempt an exclusivity chat with him now. My gut feel is that he isn’t currently seeing anyone else (although I accept he could be) and everything is otherwise working so nicely that I don’t want to disrupt it. I honestly think we have a pretty good setup, we are both extremely independent and have our own freedom, but being a short walk apart certainly has its benefits!

How are you doing? I am sorry to hear that what Planes said to you has lingered with you so long. The more you post about him, the more it’s apparent that he’s not worth listening to. Don’t set your value by his words, you are worth so much more 💐

@Nosdacariadyes thank you - for the new thread and for your warm, supportive words.
@Ilovelurchersfor me the ‘no drama’ line is a red flag - it means, ‘don’t make a fuss when I behave badly’. 🙄 Luckily a lot of men helpfully put it in their profile, so it helps us to avoid them haha.
@Mildred007how nice - a reconciliation with Mr Smile! Keep us posted!

As for me - I’m pretty sure that it will fizzle out with Mr Maths - we exchanged éclipse photos but now I’m coming to the UK for a few days so no chance to meet. I think we both feel pretty lethargic about it!

Ah I’m a firm believer in getting under a new one to get over a previous one - not that that means literally necessarily at all. I just mean at least the previous one wasn’t the last one. I was glad to know I don’t have Mr Situationship as my last guy - maybe that’s weird - and obviously at some point I will have someone as that last bloody guy ha!

Mr T is awesome as ever - in person - idk where we are going with this though, and our comms can be dire, or maybe my overthinking on them is! I don’t overthink anything but dating - weird and disconcerting as I’m unused to it therefore - I ran out of overthinking Mr Situationship a few years back - mainly as I didn’t care much lol.

Are you swiping again? Maybe you’ve said but I’ve missed it?

@MsJinks Crashing was great in person, terrible at comms. Then not great in person either!

I am swiping, a few chats but none worthy of naming yet. Couple of ten years younger which feels weird, but at least they might be functional!

@Nosdacariadit’s amazing how distance and time gives you clarity. With age, I realise how frequently I’ve basically capitulated in relationships. It shouldn’t have to be like that.

There is so much pressure on us to make things work.

Much less on men I think.

Oh wow, that's really exciting! Really hope it works out for you. X

Sounds like he has done some thinking, and is willing to adjust his own actions to make things work better - so that's really promising!

This does sound promising.

I guess you just have to way up the risks. If you bring up exclusivity and he is reluctant, would it spoil things for you, or would you still feel able to enjoy what you have?

Having flagged that, my personal opinion (and as I always say, I am far from an expert on these matters!) is that honesty communication is almost always the best way, so if you feel you would like to commit to exclusivity with him, why not tell him? At least you will know better where you stand, and that's always good I think.

And it's not like you are asking for something outlandish. From the amount you see him, many people would assume exclusivity at this point to be honest. (Though from my experience they would be mistaken to - I think unless it's actually brooched and agreed, it's easy to assume someone is only seeing you, but it's amazing how some people find time for juggling relationships! Hopefully not in Charismatic's case, though).

I don't think ten years is too big a deal, personally - and I do think a lot of men are attracted to older women, although I know this goes against the stereotype. I think they find our greater life experience and worldly-wisdom attractive too - that's the positive bit.

Though also I think they can expect us to be "lower drama" (and fuck that - I'll be as dramatic as I want, thanks, if the guy does something that calls for a dramatic response!). Also possibly more sexually experienced and therefore talented/experimental? Which might even be true in some cases but feels like a bit of a seedy stereotype.

But the one I dislike most, is when they seem to think we will be grateful! I have had younger guys approach me like they almost can't believe they are doing so, and like it must be a massive treat for me to be approached by a guy their age.... No thanks!

But to be fair, I am talking usually about more than ten years. Ten years isn't much once you are both late 30s or over. DD's dad is 6 years younger than me and I never really noticed it much in our marriage.

I am going to have this on my headstone @Ilovelurchers

fuck that - I'll be as dramatic as I want, thanks, if the guy does something that calls for a dramatic response!

Why am I still wanting Crashing back? He was a disaster and why do I now have a weird penchant for square headed men?!

Because the heart wants what the heart wants.....

I didn't want to admit it before, but I am really struggling with returning feelings for my daughter's dad!

I honestly thought I was over him years ago - we split up about a decade ago and I have had two whole relationships since, both of whom I was fully in love with at the time.

But he took us out again yesterday (just to the fish shop and for a coffee) and the whole time I just kept thinking how right it felt, the three of us together....

And he is honestly nothing to write home about. Just a bald, slightly overweight guy who is good at cracking jokes and making women fancy him.

ARGH!

No wonder I can't get that excited about Mr Cricket.....(Who is still messaging, but hasn't actually tried to pin down a second date yet).

So, @Nosdacariad, I totally feel your pain. We can be as sensible as we like in our minds, but we love who we love and often it's entirely divorced from reason. (Or it is for me).

But you have done a very brave thing in ending it with him, despite still being (from the sounds of it) in love with him. Because I actually think that man had the capacity to completely ruin your life. Maybe not intentionally. But it sounds like chaos surrounds him and everything he touches.

So would you go back to your daughter's dad?

Crashing was just not good enough to introduce to my kids. I would have been embarassed. And a long list of other things, but in the moment he was mostly great.

I think this says it all about Crashes - I never wanted Mr Situationship around my kids/friends - he has by chance met a couple of my kids and I’m embarrassed still haha. But it’s that dissonance where you’re with them but no actually they’re no good and your kids will see that - so don’t risk it - I think it’s this anyway!

Whilst Mr T is very different to what they’d imagine I can’t imagine being embarrassed of him at all - I’ve not shown them a photo as it’s not the whole of him and I’d be cross if they started any comments actually. I guess I’m not an embarrassment as I get taken to all his locals - so that’s nice to know - I have been well hidden at times!

However, I think each others’ kids are off limits so it won’t be an issue - I quite like it this way - though idk what it ultimately says about where we are at.

@Ilovelurchers- do you think it’s actual new and today feelings or nostalgia?

My daughter has a friend who split from a quite long but early relationship and then had a really long one with someone else and they had kids, but then got back with guy 1 after about 15 years or so and they’re so happy still, years on now. So it can work out!

Though Mr T gets on very well with his ex and sees her at family stuff a lot - 8 or 9!years on now so I’m not 100% sure I like what you’re saying from a personal perspective haha - but good to hear about still.

Do you think he’s maybe feeling it too? Any thought of maybe trying a bit more together? I get it’s awkward with your daughter possibly being impacted too though.

If your heart is looking at ex though it won’t have space for any investment in anyone else so maybe it does need resolving one way or another?

Think I jinxed it posting this yesterday. After having such a lovely time with him at the weekend, last night I got a long message from him. He was still nice and kind but said he needed to be honest - it basically said 'I really like you, we have loads in common, we get on so well but somehow there's just something missing for me. I feel like there should be bigger feelings there for me and for some reason there just isn't and I'm not sure if there ever will be. I'm not saying I don't want to see you any more because I do, but I also don't know if I can see this going anywhere long term. Which sucks because I really like you. What do you think?'

I've shortened it but that's a pretty accurate reflection of what he's said. I'm gutted to be honest. He's been total green flags and after 2 months I really thought I could see it going somewhere. Although it's annoyed me because why write all that and then ask ME what I think? Why not have the balls to end it with me rather than making me do it (because surely there's no other possible outcome to that really). Anyway. I'm sad 😔

@BananaPopcorn im sorry to hear that - i dont think he did anything wrong with that message, i think it sounded heartfelt. I would probably respond and say 'sorry to hear this, i thought we had something worth pursuing - but thanks for the message and hope you meet someone more suited to you x'

I seem to have missed a thread of two. I have not been on the apps for a year and a half now since my breakup with my ex. Recently i heard an older guy from my work had met someone within 6 months of being online - and he had never done online dating before. Weirdly it stung a bit because people had mentioned him before and in my weird mind, i thought i wonder if we will end up dating, like in a rom com, despite me never having a proper conversation with him. Anyway, thats a no now as he's dating this person seriously/met the kids etc. Feels so much easier for men as lots of my female pals are still single.

For me, the thought of going online fills me with despair. I do feel i need to do something though but there is a part of me thinking that part of me is a bit lost after my ex - i mean i keep thinking how thrilled i was when i was with him - is that even possible again?

On a positive note, life is going well, getting through lots of barriers in life generally plus a big new promotion. So dating really does feel like its on the backburner, and could easily be so for a long time unless i do something about it.

@Ilovelurchers i always swipe left on people who mention drama free - they are just setting things up to leave at the first sign of hassle/complications and will breeze off with a 'i told you so'. And i notice these types have zero self awareness of any drama they might have/cause themselves.

How long has it been and are you "a couple"?

Respectfully disagreeing with @Eesha because either you tell him you'll solve his problem by telling him you won't see him again, or you accept that you'll not be to him what he is to you.

I think the win here is in withdrawing your energy and attention.

Did you reply?💐💐💐

Congrats on the promotion🥂🍾🥳

That's MUCH more important than shenanagins with fellas.