The Dating Thread 62 - They'll be FALLing for you 💖💕💘

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@CleanShirt I'm the same.

Have you identified exactly what you would like in terms of comms?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.. if I heard from someone all day every day I think I'd be annoyed!!

Mr Hat is probably in the normal range... Just me that isn't.

Hmmm I had this with someone once and it didn’t get better tbh then I just felt disconnected between seeing eachother. We did message every day but it felt a bit flat.

But you’re right finding a happy middle isn’t easy otherwise you get ones that message or call waaay too much! Maybe just have a chat about it?

@NosdacariadI’m a massive ‘texted’ and love random conversations/update - just checked my WhatsApp and have 3,841 photos/links with my current Partner over 15 months which apparently averages about 8 a day on top of messages 🙈.

But it has been like this from the very start and clearly something we are both happy with! I spoke to my ex earlier who has just split from someone and he said it was very present during time together and a bit of tumbleweed in between which had put him on edge a bit and he wasn’t sure where he stood.

Comms frequency has to be mutual of course but I don’t think there is anything wrong with setting out your stool a bit. Maybe say ‘I really like to just check in during quieter times of the day to catch up and see how your day has been. I like to feel a bit of that connection even if there is nothing major to catch up on…’?

Interestingly (or maybe not 😂) we didn’t start having ‘catch up’ phone calls until about a year in.

@MsJinks I have loved your updates on Mr (climb him like a) Tree so it’s a shame to hear you seem to be having a bit of a wobble. What would you like this to evolve into if you had a magic wand?

Sorry, should have tagged @CleanShirt

@CleanShirt I'm wondering would voice notes land better?

I do know that feeling of being disconnected between dates.

I get cross if I'm left on read, ignored for hours by someone always on their phone, or I get low effort three word texts.

Just saw a profile where the guy described himself as "non violent"

I have SO many questions.

Wow - that’s a new one on me - and I thought I’d seen it all - please ask those questions and report back lol!

I blocked him instantly!

Probably best - if disappointing for the downright nosy and fascinated amongst us - well that’s me lol

Yeah I think it reads like he thinks being violent is the norm.

My therapist thinks Beered was trying to manipulate me into sleeping with him.

He did answer the door to me in a towel 😱

Wow. Never seen anyone feel the need to state that before.....

Tempted to put it on mine and see if anyone comments..... It's true. I am non violent.

There is a lot of self criticism there, lovely - go easy on yourself!

Whi decrees what is right and wrong in terms of Comms in relationships? Noone!

You have a difference, that's all. But please don't assume or feel your preference is necessarily "wrong".

We women can often be made for feel we are "anxious" or "needy' for wanting something quite standard and normal, like regular texts from a boyfriend - not saying Hat has made you feel like this, but maybe someone else in the past has?

Then, maybe work out what is the minimum amount of contact you could feel comfortable and happy with (not could endure - you don't deserve to feel worried and insecure all the time).

Then maybe share this with him? Do you think you could? If he listens and tries his best to meet your needs, then that (according to my life coach - and I tend to agree) is what a decent man would do.

Interesting. Do you agree?

Maybe. If true it's very entitled!

Hinge question, if you send a like can it be seen on the free version? I'm getting nothing.

I got almost zero from Hinge!

I use ChatGPT. I export the whole chat to it and ask it to evaluate (although once I sent the whole thing to the person in question and had to frantically delete and blame fat fingers). It’s sometimes overly positive but gives me more to think about. Would one more date hurt? He could be taking the piss but he’s been very open and honest about how he feels. It’s a hard one to call.

@BananaPopcornread whole thread. Maybe not :( I’d step right back and see if he fights.
@Ilovelurchers re tortoise, negging 💐
@CleanShirt re comms. One thing I’ve struggled with in the past is not the level of communication but the consistency. If they text last thing at night and then don’t. Sometimes it’s obvious that they just fell asleep but I often flag consistency early on as I do get het up otherwise. There’s nothing wrong with me (or you!) for that. Mr Spanner messages through the day. Anyone else it would annoy me.
Re anyone re body size tell them to f the F off! In all fairness though I did have a giggle with Spanner about men’s height and told him I’d be taking a tape measure on any future Bumble dates. He insisted we got it out. Think he was 1” shorter than he thought but so was I. We’ve shrunk in our 50’s 🤣. I know we’d never be so rude to say it but many of us do have an issue with men’s height. I did with Holiday Homes. That wasn’t helped by an out and out lie about that and his age on the app but I did even them give him the benefit of the doubt. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@duckingclueless chatgpt has been overly forgiving of men for me "they might be busy" after 7 hours' silence for a man with no job never far from his phone 😱

Gemini is the other way - a bit hang em flog em at the slightest thing.

Claude is moderate but low on detail.

That's just my take obvs 😁

So many updates, about 40 to read through! Welcome to the new members ☺️ I see there’s been lots of great advice being given as usual!

I have a bit of a strange one which I’ve often wondered about but find myself in the situation again.

Matched with a guy on Hinge on Tuesday night and we were messaging back and forth a lot yesterday as we were both off work. He seems quite nice, similar values etc etc. This morning I had a quick check on Hinge and also Tinder (I don’t pay for either of these apps!) and lo and behold, who has sent me a like? Only the guy from Hinge 🤔 When I look on tinder I always sort them from most recent first….he was very near the top but wasn’t there yesterday afternoon.

So my question is this. Why does men do this? Already chatting on an app but decide to “like” you on another? Is this a playful “hey, guess who!!” or is it more along the lines of “hmm, I see you on other apps”. I can never work it out but I find it strange! We’re already matched and chatting!!

@empirebiscuits12 how are you?

I would do this as a cheeky "hi I saw you here too!"

I am weird though 😁

Ah I’m doing okay my love, how are you?

Haha thanks for that advice, I’m probably just overthinking things!

Im off on annual leave this week and have barely left my house. Monday and Tuesday I slept practically all day and night. Yesterday I got some stuff done around the house but had lots of naps. It’s only today I’m feeling as though I’m getting back to normal a little. Going shopping with my daughter this afternoon and then going on a road trip with her tomorrow 🙂 Then fresh hair on Saturday! Has been about 3-4 months since I’ve had my hair done, so lol forward to that. Plus I have a very no-nonsense hairdresser who I can bounce off with in terms of my dating disasters!

PS, weird is good….normal is boring!

I would totally agree with you.

It's just a ' hi, are you on here too'.

Glad you're doing ok @empirebiscuits12 💙💜💙