Too much sex?

[exw88]

Been dating new man for 3 months.

It is very sex-centric, although we do have some deep conversations and quality time together too and dates without sex… but is mostly sex. He can turn any conversation into sex, this is daily.

I am attracted to him and the sex should be enjoyable on paper, he’s not selfish, is adventurous which I like… but he could want sex 3 times a day… not quick sessions this could be between 1-2hrs each.

I feel sore all the time, and tired. I can’t keep up with him!

He’s always suggesting more and more, new ideas for sex… says to keep things interesting. Sometimes I feel like I’m not performing well enough, or I’m not good enough at it because this suggestion makes it feel like he’s bored already.

At the same time he says it’s the best sex he’s ever had?!

I do enjoy his company and he is a nice guy, but I’m not sure if to end it because simply I can’t keep up with this. I am starting to dread having sex with him purely because I know how long it will be, and know I will be sore after. Both 30s if that matters.

@Obviousnicchanger Had a whole family he never disclosed. Also abused his ex.

And from the messages I saw could have been a sex addict.

I don't have 6 spare hours in the day for sex. How does he fit it all in around commuting, full time working, eating, household chores and doing fun things etc? Im not sure the relationship has longevity with such a high sex drive. If it progressed and you had children for example it would become problematic as his sex drive won't miraculously slow down and it could be the cause of many an argument. If however, ichildren are out of the question, then maybe let him know its just too much.

Presumably he has his own home? You say he works but is happy to have sex literally the rest of the time. When does he get anything done? Does he have a full time housekeeper to enable his preference? I just would be so bored and would begrudge that much of my time being taken up (plus it’s extremely weird imo).

Yeah, a quickie can be v satisfying! What's his problem?

Love this ha ha

Im assuming this means the usual kinda sex, does her ensure you have an orgasm also. Sounds a bit selfish, does he give you oral sex which is pleasuring you

Is this the line in questioning that has been crossed? Why on earth would you want to know?!

Are you both jobless? Where the actual eff is anyone with a normal life finding time for 1-2 hour sex sessions 3 times a day? Get a job. Or a life

Because it sounds like hes being selfish, sex can take many forms not just penetration.

Unmatched sex drives. I have a high drive as does my partner but if I’m sore, we cuddle. Either have a conversation with him that it’s too much, or end it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

<wipes eyes> Thanks for the laugh!

PS I'm old, and I've probably been having sex for more years than you've been on this Earth. I assure you that OP's partner's sex drive is NOT 'usual'.

Ironically the Ancient Greeks categorised women as the more sexual sex.

And honestly I think that would be true...if men didn’t so often suck all the fun out of it.

Womens orgasms designed purely for pleasure, for example. It isn’t a requirement for pregnancy.

And just look at how popular smut books are.

I think we have a much wider appreciation for sex than men.

For men it is linked to all manner of other things like manhood and control and dominance.

But how often do men get us off in comparison? How often do they ask about our likes or needs or satisfaction? It’s not that we necessarily have a lower sex drive. It’s that if the sex is shit for us we are less interested in having it.

Does he have compulsive sexual behaviour disorder (CSBD)? Sounds gross.

Weekdays it is probably more like 1 hr sessions. Jumps on me as soon as he gets in say at 5. After dinner he will want sex again. Then when we go to bed.

You realize this is unsustainable. You work what, 8 hour days. He jumps on you right when he gets to yours. Dinner, then another hour. Then another before bed.

I think this is massively controlling. You have no time for much else. You go your daily tasks, sex him up, and work. That's not a life. Aren't you suffocating?

You didn't move him in, did you? Stop letting him come over so much.

In times like these it is good to ask, what would Nancy do?

No I wouldn’t move him in! It’s only been a few months, I’m not that silly.

It’s usually every other day or every few days we see each other. Sometimes 2 days in a row. Depends on what we are both doing.

I honestly always considered myself someone with a pretty high sex drive, it’s usually me that wants it more in previous relationships… but I literally don’t have the stamina for this if it was 30 minute sessions 2-3 times when I see him I don’t think there’d be an issue.

Well the rumour online is that Nancy was famous for giving the best BJs in Hollywood during her actress days, and very generous with her favours too, so maybe she's not the person to emulate in this case!

OP My thoughts and prayers are with your vagina. 3-6 hours of shagging every time you see him is just ridiculous; he needs an actual hobby. Suggest he takes up cycling, that might make him impotent and kill two birds with one stone.

It also keeps him completely focused on you, so you don't see your friends and family on weekends and takes up all your time.

OP, none of us can tell you what to do; you know what to do. If you are hesitant to set boundaries or tell him you like less/quicker or worry you aren't fun enough in bed (after a few months!) then you are saying you can't tell him the truth. You are doing what he wants, not what you want. That's not a good and equal basis for a relationship.

Telling you that there wasn't much sex in the last relationship, IS him putting pressure on you...subtle but effective on his part.

I had an ex like this. Always wanted 2-3 hour sessions. Not everyday thankfully. But every Saturday and Sunday morning. At the start of our relationship I did enjoy it. We weren’t pummelling away the whole time!! Some of the time we would just be cuddling and chatting or being playful or whatever. But it was a lot of time. Eventually I just got fed up with the amount of time in my weekend was spent doing this one thing. I wanted to get up and out! I said this is taking too long. He said but he liked spending this time with me and it felt good so surely if something feels good you want it to last. I said nope, I quite like getting to the end (!!) and although he could get me to the end, so to speak, 5 or 6 times, I was actually getting bored of it. He also only had one shot in him, if you get my drift (sorry if TMI) so to prevent the ending he would use the stop start method. This used to piss me off! Just when it was getting where I wanted to be, he would stop and “regroup”. Because he wanted to make it last and couldn’t understand why I would want it to be over. Several times, I just got up and walked off and said I was bored and frustrated now. His lack of empathy was astounding in all areas of life, and I really don’t think he could see my pov at all.

Anyway I have someone new now and sex is about 25 mins and this is perfect. Fortunately he actually has more than one go in him, so if we do fancy it again, we can. If not, then jobs a good’un and let’s get on with the day!

For your chap you’re going to need to spell it out very clearly: I do not want this! And if he tries wheedling or stop starting when you’ve asked not to, then simply get up and say “no thanks, this isn’t what I want”. If he cannot understand that then you have bigger issues than a sore fanjo!

5 to 6 times in one session?! Wow I'm impressed! Maybe twice for me but then that's it. Once I'm done I'm done and I want to get on with my day ha ha.
It's good that you're with someone more compatible now ;)

He sounds like he has a sex addiction. It's not going to get better for you so I would dump him in your shoes. Up to 6 hours of sex a day is almost full time work!!

So.

Had an adult conversation with him. He agreed that the amount of sex and length of time is unsuitable long term. He said “we will never get anything done ever it we keep this up”. And he was very keen to reassure me that he absolutely wants to spend quality time with me that isn’t just about sex.

So we will see how it goes!

@exw88

Glad you had the talk. But did you get into what you feel is a reasonable amount. I have a feeling that leaving it up to him to decide isn't going to work.

We both said once is plenty and obviously if anything else happens it does, don’t want to be relying on a set number etc would still like it to feel spontaneous.