Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

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Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

It’s fine - you’re not their sister nor their mum’s daughter. You don’t need to be invited.

OP, in your original post, you were put out about the lunch being SILs and MIL only. It seems that now, MIL is going to the Spa day with her daughters and then you’re all meeting up for lunch, the whole family. Surely that’s fine? If two of your SILs live in Australia, I doubt they have much opportunity to go out together with their mother. Your DH has more cause to be offended, that they’ve chosen to do something that excludes him. Be happy for your MIL and birthday SIL, that they’re able to spend ONE morning out of a holiday doing something together. As you say, you wouldn’t now join in even if invited - so don’t be mean to your SILs for wanting to do something by themselves with their DM.

Is there a link to previous thread?

A previous thread. There is a link a few posts ago

Previous page

Am I right in thinking that as op is “close” to mil, that she and dh see mil frequently? Therefore op and her dh can see his mim
whenever and often, sils live in NZ or Aus, so don’t get to see their mum often.
is this why dh got annoyed? I can’t see now he can be annoyed at his sisters for this as “family politics” as if they don’t even live close, how often are they causing these issues?

I think it’s unkind and yanbu to feel hurt. I think I’d wait being till MIL knows as she may feel upset on your behalf and you may not have to push anything. I think you can also take it as a sign you don’t have to lean in so much to this family, pick and choose what you fancy doing and your dh can take DC along.

You're being so, so, so unreasonable.

Your husband's sisters clearly wanted to do an exclusively activity as sisters with their mother. She's not your mother, ergo you're not their sister, ergo you weren't invited. There's nothing wrong with wanting some alone time with your own sisters and mum. In your shoes, I would have grabbed the chance to have my own spa treatments somewhere else. That'd be so much better and more relaxing anyway.

Then, you're trying to coerce your husband to "say something" to his family. Say what, exactly? "How dare you spend time together as mother and daughters"? And if you want "something said" why don't YOU say it? Why try to make it your husband's job? If you can't even be an adult and talk to these women yourself, maybe you're not close enough to them to warrant an invitation.

I don’t understand how some people can be like this! I’ve invited people I’m not even keen on to events in the past so they wouldn’t be left out, but if you all get along then it’s just very inconsiderate. Are they young? Generally self involved or maybe thoughtless? It baffles me how many DH’s are so unwilling to ask a simple question for fear of a family fall out, he could have just asked them on the quiet in case they genuinely hadn’t realised you’d want to go, he could have pretended like you hadn’t said anything.

As a MIL one of the things that brings me joy is how my two DIL's have become part of our family. They get on brilliantly with my DD and we have had big holidays together.
We would never have even considered doing something like this spa day and leave out a DIL.
I don't blame you for being hurt.
I hope it is just thoughtless versus deliberate but it seems pretty shitty to me.

They invited her on the holiday. They just wanted a few hours as a trio. Hardly unreasonable.

Begging your pardon I’m sure……..Would you be one of the delightful sisters then?

Not nice, but your husband is not nice either.
I wouldn't say anything, it won't be worth it.
But nice people don't do this on holiday together.
Does your husband often shout at you?
If so, bigger problems than this.

If they organised it whilst at home, that's different.

Did grandma get invited?

Just make sure you make clear to your husband you are also not going to be around that morning. I wouldn’t mind betting the other husbands think you’ll be looking after their kids. Clear out, go shopping, treat yourself to lunch. Do not come back to the resort until after the other women are due back.

It is a mean of them not to include you when you’re all on holiday together. It would be fine if it had been a separate time. But I’d let it go particularly as MIL doesn’t know and it could taint what is presumably meant to be a nice surprise for her.

The thing that stands out to me however is your non confrontational husband isn’t brave enough to stand up to his sisters but has no problem yelling at his wife when she’s asks that he has her back. This I would have a serious issue with.

Book yourself something for the time that they are in the spa and make the most of time to yourself. Even if it’s coffee and a book - don’t be around for childcare.

It’s thoughtless and they will be fully aware of that. It’s not about sisters having time with their mother it’s about excluding one person. Blood is thicker than water - they’ve shown you where you fit - remember it.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this sort of bullshit for 25 years. It used to bother me, now I laugh about the “forgotten” invites, mainly because I’ve normally got something else I’d much rather do.

What a wimpy, wet husband you have!

It does seem very unfair to exclude you. I’m sorry this is happening.

Make sure you don’t get stuck with looking after all the kids.

The other sisters are coming from Australia especially to see there mum there allowed to spend time with her alone

Nothing wrong with this at all.

Grown up children rarely get to spend time with their mum, just them. They will interact differently when partners are not there.

It's nice they include you in everything generally but it would also be nice for you to recognise that siblings and mum have a special bond and to allow them to spend a bit of time together, just them. It's a bit much to get upset about it. I guess it's a shame they happened to pick an activity you would like to do.

This is your second thread, you’re clearly not getting over it. I’m not sure what to say other than this is a huge huge deal for you

Just to say that I thihnk this is really mean. We did a family holiday recently and me, my sister and both of my sister's in law enjoyed a lovely spa day while the older teenagers looked after the little kids and my brothers and husband and brother in law went ot the pub!

That’s a bizarre response!

Absolutely rotten and unkind of them to exclude you.

Two of the sisters live on the other side of the world, so there is no possibility of getting together "at home".

It's one of the sisters' significant birthdays as well as the MIL's - she's reasonable to want a morning with her mum and sisters during a holiday.

Everyone is invited to the main celebration - the meal afterwards.

It's what, maybe 3 or 4 hours out of an entire holiday? I don't think that's a big ask for a mum and sisters who live so far apart to spend together, away from the wider family unit.

I'm not surprised your DH lost patience when you're on your second thread about the same issue, and can't accept that not everything has to include you.

Go out with DH and your children for the morning, book a snorkelling trip, do a cooking workshop, live your best life for those few hours.

Or stay in your room sulking. As you choose.