Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

[AvidQuoter]

Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

They are rude and now you know that they don’t consider you family enough to don’t care t that you would be the only woman left behind. Don’t say anything but going forward give them as much importance as they give you

Men like your husband are not confrontational because that’s how they are raised and given your mil’s lack of care, I am sure your husband learnt to put his mother’s feelings before his and now yours too.

What about husband’s shouting?

You aren't being unreasonable to feel hurt.

Those saying your husband should have a word though - why? If they invite her now OP will know it's only because he pulled them up on it and going would be bloody awkward. If he has a word and they still don't invite her that's awkward too. I can't see how it will go well. Possible responses range from variations of "we don't want her there" to "oh, actually we just forgot her". Best outcome I can think of is "we didn't think she'd want to come" for some reason. What response can they give that won't rub salt in and why force it to be said?

That's because you're not her daughter, or their sister - except as in inlaw.

They want to treat their mum and hang out with her. There's nothing unusual in that. Are you always super over sensitive about people doing things without you?

Imagine hoping you could get your husband to spoil some of your mil's pleasure because you're having a sulk. Yuck. So glad he's having none of it.

You are giving this far to much headspace. They were horrible but I would be annoyed at your husband. He sounds weak and he needs to get a backbone.
I would hate the type of family you have. Put some space between you.
This is the 2nd post you have made and you need to get over it. These people are not worth it.

Thanks for the link to the first thread @WerewolfOfLoudon

It is interesting that @AvidQuoter has started this 2nd thread but left out the information that makes it much more understandable how this has come about, then refused to answer everyone asking if she posted about it before.

The fact that the sisters and their Mum live on the opposite sides of the world from one another, and the FiL had sent money and asked them to do something nice together, puts a completely different perspective on the question, from what you have posted in the opening post of this thread.

Might the reason you have started a 2nd thread without those details be to get more people supporting you ? Because it just makes you look a little childish, IMO.

Surely your dhs weakness and incapacity to sti k up for you will put you right off him
Yuk

Mainly a dh problem

To be honest, this is a good wake up call for you, you are a sister and daughter in law and this absolutely does matter, of course it does. If this is part of a series of exclusions then just stop hanging around them as it obviously upsets you.

If it's a one off, move on.

They don't see you as their sister/daughter, and that's because you are not their sister/daughter.

Ah. OP is even more unreasonable than I realised.

I would be very upset by this. Find something to do on your own so you’re not left with all the children. I wouldn’t expect DH to speak to his Mum if she doesn’t know about it.

If book myself in for a massage that morning. Maybe not exactly the same time as the rest of them. Possibly slightly later so there are no awkward meetings by the jacuzzi.
but just to make a point. Then when they ask at dinner what you were up to, tell them that you fancied a spa treatment so went on your own

Yes I would find it quite hurtful. Do you want to go on the holiday at all?

Certainly I would make it clear to your husband you will not be doing childcare and will find something to do. No reason you cannot book yourself on to something you may enjoy or go and find a nice cafe with a book or something. It might be because they live abroad and want their mum to themselves. I give big family holidays a miss now as they almost always cause friction with lots of people having their own needs and opinions and some being unwilling to compromise.

I’m not sure why you are posting different versions.

This version leaves out all the crucial details.

I’ve changed my post because you seem to have manipulated the facts OP. I’m out.

Of course he shouldn't have shouted but I don't blame him for not wanting to get involved either.

You seen to have missed that MIL 's daughters live in Australia, and are over to visit for their mum's big birthday. And this spa day has been paid for by FIL.

OP isn't being missed out specifically because she's an in-law. She's being missed out because this is an opportunity for a mother and daughters who are normally separated by half the planet, to have some quality mum and daughters time for the mum's big birthday.

But mean if you're the ugly other female there. I'd take myself off for the day. But also, they're allowed to want to sperms time with their parent on their own

It is mean and I can relate to your hurt feelings, having been married into a similar kind of family for decades. You do need to see them for who they are and adjust your own feelings, expectations and behaviour going forwards. Thats the best advice I can give. I appreciate my own inclusive family, who would never do this and give none of my precious headspace to people who don’t deserve it. Good luck OP, focus on your own family and your own happiness. It will take you a long time to stop caring, but when you do it will be quite liberating!

So the money from FIL is for their children to do something with MIL, but the three daughters have organised a mother-and-daughters spa day and meal out, and the son isn’t even invited?

All sorts of weird fuckery going on there.

Just do your own thing that day OP, and maybe pull back a bit from all of them, even your own husband doesn’t seem to have your back.

It’s nasty to not invite the OP. It be ok usually but not while you are all on holiday together. I’d be annoyed too.

OP, I’d also want the Mum to know that you were not invited in case she thinks that you didn’t want to go.

Is your DH the only sibling not invited?

Being cancelled on so late after preparing and looking forward to your precious time off is hugely disappointing and frustrating.

And she's not one of the sisters, and this is not her mother.

So, as I said, she needs to get over it and stop being super over sensitive to people doing normal things without her.

its a bit shitty however I wouldn’t go making a scene or asking my partner to because it’s as simple as if they wanted to invite you they would have and also I’d not go after having to ask to be invited

I would feel really hurt if I was you. It's awful they've organised that and left you out in that circumstance. YANB