Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

[AvidQuoter]

Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

No, you're not. They are thoughtless and very rude.
Can you and your dh go home?

How bizarre, I am married to the only male in their family and if his sisters organised a spa day with his DM it wouldn’t occur to me that I would be invited!

Given that you are all on holiday together I think that it is very ignorant to exclude you. If this had occurred at home it wouldn't have been an issue, maybe your SILs are just a bit tone deaf/lowEQ and don't realize in which case a word from DH could fix it.

Just make sure you do something so you’re not saddled with the kids!!!

Oh OP. This might sound rude to you because I think you’re here to sooth your ego but I’m writing it genuinely to try and help you out.

I think this thread and your other one say more about you. You’re sounding needy and insecure, and self-oriented here. I used to be like this; looking for moments to feel a bit wounded and the victim. Something to do with insecurities from early childhood so I believe…

However if you think about it from the MIL’s POV and all the sisters, this is a wonderful opportunity for them all to be together without a world between them. If they’re separated by literally the globe, with two being in Australia, even if the MIL visits I’m presuming they don’t all together as a family so this is a beautiful and rare moment to be together and enjoy their birthdays to the full. It would be far more lovely for you to be deeply happy for them on that front. You aren’t her daughter, they are, and that is completely ok.

A legitimate question could be why isn’t your husband invited on the spa day? It might be the kind of thing that this isn’t a problem for him, he’s happy for it to just be the sisters of the family, and that is fine. Every family dynamic is different. But as long as he isn’t feeling excluded, that’s the main thing.

I think it’s quite telling that you are feeling excluded, and that you’ve made another thread (this one) without the core details to get reactions of sympathy and can roll around in “they’re so mean” comments which do nothing but ultimately fuel your spite - please don’t go down this path which ends in selfish pain; I think you’re insecure here. I think that’s why you've made multiple threads to soothe your ego that you see as wounded. I think that if you did some work on yourself to know that you are loved, that you are OK, then you might recognise a passing feeling of being sad to not feel included as it sounds lovely, but that that would be overridden by happiness for them that they have the opportunity to be together and do something really special together. Good for them. If you can reach this place of genuinely thinking of their happiness and not your own vulnerability and victimhood, you will be released from so much anguish, bitterness, and find peace and genuine happiness for others.

(If anyone thinks this is unduly harsh, read the other thread where OP explains about this trip, as it sheds a far more nuanced light on this situation).

Take care OP and I hope you can get past your own needs here to a place where you’re genuinely happy for them as it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with them otherwise, which is wonderful. It’s probably why you’re feeling so sore about this tbh, because it’s otherwise a lovely set up which is a very good thing. Focus on the fact you all have a great and close relationship, and that this is an opportunity for them to be with their mum. If you’re still feeling sad you’re not joining take the opportunity to go out yourself for coffee and a with a book, or stay with the dads if you’d rather be with the kids, but it’s probably a nice moment to look after yourself for a bit too and have a bit of a recharge.

xxx

Id feel different if others were going but it's essentially daughters that have arranged to have a day with their mum so I can understand that they just want it to be them

Why what's wrong with them organising a day with their mum? Is op that clingy that she can't fill a few hours?

Don’t go out for the day afterwards…..if any of them ask you why….tell them!

How embarrassing 😂 yes force yourself on people that don't want you there that'll make them like you hey? 😂 It's a mother daughter day she's not invited so get over it

@AvidQuoter I'd be taking it as a cue to not go on any more family holidays.

That really is awfully mean of them. I'd either politely say you can no longer make it, or ask your husband for ideas for something the rest of you can do while they're in the spa. Go see a sight maybe or a group game of mini golf or something fun.

Regardless of the other thread it does seem unfair to not include you, OP. I think your DH could have said something.

Maybe he is worried to look after DC himself (due to being selfish) and is looking for you to do the childcare.

I would get away from all at this stage and go elsewhere for the time the ladies are at the spa. Maybe shopping or go see a movie alone. Shake them all off.

Why does the husband get to police what his female relatives do with their leisure time?

This. Let a mother & daughters spend a morning together without making it about you.

The worst part of this is your husband shouting at you. What a dick. My in laws do this shit all the time. It used to bother me but then I tried to imagine if I was in their shoes. I don’t have any sisters so it’s hard but I can imagine sometimes sisters want to do something with just them and their mum. I don’t take it personally any more.

you are right to be hurt, feels petty and childish of them. Are you a spa day type person? They may have mentioned it and dismissed it as that, but could still ask you.

Families can be rubbish

*he’s shouted at me saying he’s ... he’s sick of his family politics"

What's the back story here?

(On the basis of the information avaliable I agree let it go but take the opportunity to do something elsel

So all his siblings are girls and he is the only boy? I think his sisters are mean. When it was raised he should have said what about @AvidQuoter ? Its not confrontation thats a query? Do you in general not get on with his sisters? Is the grandmother not going?

My husband has 5 sisters and they are nice people but thoughtless and one or two of them are rude. If this happened in that family, my husband's eldest sister would say what about cece and the youngest sister would say she would not want to come. That would literally be the end of discussion.

Id plan something for myself or for my family that morning and when asked by the mum why didnt you come, you keep it factual and say, I was not invited so we did something else.

My husband would not say anything either. He would not want to rock the boat and would allow his sisters to upset people and ignore it. The sisters would make it a me problem not a them issue.

Yes! This! Husband should be the one invited not OP. Hubs is the only sibling not invited. @AvidQuoter should get over herself as it’s clear this is a family spa session and she isn’t a direct relation. Whereas hubs is and should be invited, in theory.

I wouldn’t ask DH to get involved. I would just quietly absorb the information and adjust my future behaviour towards the SILS accordingly.

Bear in mind this can’t be blamed on MIL as it’s a surprise for her if I have understood correctly? Will she be upset you are excluded when she finds out?

In this case it's only the sisters and their mum that are going so it's not about them not liking you but more of a mum and daughters thing. Having said that I think it's crap- they are old enough to know that it would be hurtful to be excluded. Yanbu but try to forget about their rudeness in order to enjoy your holidays.

The grandmas aren’t going though?

I think it's mean of them not to invite you and quite rude. But not DH's fault and not his job to sort it out. If you want them to know how you are feeling, you should tell them, or one of them, yourself. Ditto if you want an explanation. It's up to you to decide whether you want to do this. I think I wouldn't speak up or at least not during the holiday , maybe another time at home when you see one of them alone.

Can you really not get over this to the point you’ve made a second thread?! It’s one morning, it’s a mother and daughter spa day when half of them live on the other side of the world. Do you really grudge them this time together?

Do you have form for making fuss at family events, for your DH to say he’s sick of it?

I wouldn’t want to have to invite my SIL every time I did something with my mum and sister, nice as she is. We also live far apart so time is precious. She is not the same as my sister to me, that’s not a slight on her, she just never will be. Same as I’d never expect to be the same to my SIL as her own sister. Seems awfully needy.

Also at a complete loss as to why you think DH should have mentioned it to MIL, who knows nothing. That’s making trouble.

Grandma is MIL as in, the children’s grandma so yes she is going