Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

208 replies

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:15

Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

OP posts:
itsbinmadness · 11/08/2026 06:50

Grow up.

You’re not a sister, or the brother. So you’re not invited. You can cope.

MyDeftDuck · 11/08/2026 06:55

That’s a bit mean on the part of those sisters. Planning a spa day with just sisters and mum would have been better done at home IMO, not on a family holiday and excluding other female relatives…..hope that makes sense.

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2026 07:13

It has been specified twice that the morning spa session is just for mums and daughters as a surprise for the mum, but you will all go out together afterwards, I think you have to accept it. It’s what they want. It’s deliberate.
Yes your DH could have commented that leaving one out is rather pointed and unpleasant but the fact they have twice said it means it’s no accident.

Maybe they feel you are very close to their mum and they want their own time with her, without you as they never get that time unless they actually specify it.
Could there be anything in that OP? If so, let them have that time together if it’s that important to them.

I think you should let it go with as much grace as you can muster.
And turn up cheerfully for the lunch or arrange to go out for the day with your DH and children and start afresh the following day.
Not easy but I certainly wouldn’t let them know you are hurting about it.

It’s never good to be in each other’s pockets too much on holiday.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/08/2026 07:13

How can dh say to his mum you are upset as she doesn’t know she is going

he could tho chat to sisters and he hasn’t and that means he hasn’t got your back

maybe after the event he could mention you were upset to his mum / or she may ask why you weren’t there - but it’s not the mums fault - this is the sisters doing

yes they may live in different countries but to exclude one person is mean

maybe you aren’t as close as you think you are to the sisters - so to the ones you chat to daily I would ask /say a little upset not invited to a spa day

Ilovemum · 11/08/2026 07:22

Personally it's mean
I see my sil as my sister- but maybe that's because I am late 30s and she has been in my life for over 25 years!! But my parents have seen our husbands/wives as bonus children and treat them the same- both my parents and my in-laws...

SomeOtherUser · 11/08/2026 07:42

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:37

@MNLurker1345 im close with 2 of his sisters (as in we speak almost every day). I don’t really speak too much with one of the sisters, but she also doesn’t really keep in touch with the others sister too. Just her mum (my MIL).

I have 1 sister and a sister in law, and we always do things collectively. We would never exclude my sister in law, we want her to feel like one of the family because that’s what she is, she married my brother but I get it’s not always the way. Maybe my own perception of how I fit in with my in laws has been off!

Edited

If you are close with some of them, why didn't you drop them a message asking if you could come along too?

SummerDive · 11/08/2026 07:44

Astra53 · 10/08/2026 23:26

It's a mum and daughter outing and others are not invited. Do something else with that time.

A mum and daughter’s outing is totally ok.
A mum and daughters outing WHILST bring away on hols with your DIL/SIL is plain rude.

Theres a reason why the MIL would be horrified if she knew

ovals · 11/08/2026 07:48

I think exceptions can be made considering the mil and daughters don’t live in the same country. My brother is in New Zealand. We always have time without others on the rare occasions we’re in the same place. I’d be gutted if my husband or his wife had an issue with this.

Wadsworthy · 11/08/2026 07:53

It looks like it’s just the biological sisters not wives of brothers. Not ideal on a family holiday but understandable that actual siblings want to spend time together.

I can see both sides of this. My SiL isn’t someone I spend time with - she’s from a different background to my family and she’s not particularly interesting. I don’t seek out her company. But my brother loves her and she loves him so on family occasions she’s always included of course!

Spa days not our thing as a family (can’t think of anything worse) but in the circumstances you describe we’d include her.

But it looks as though the sisters wanted time together with their mother. And that’s OK too. Your presence might have changed the atmosphere and dynamics.

I think you need to let it go.

Cyclingmummy1 · 11/08/2026 07:56

NameChangeScot · 10/08/2026 21:19

I can see how it's come about, they see it as a mum and daughter day, it is a bit thoughtless not to include you though but they see it as daughters treating their mum to a spa day. I wouldn't expect to be invited to a spa day with my SIL and MIL.

Edited

I would if we were in holiday together.

Either book yourself in or go out with your H (and DC) for the day and leave them to it. Otherwise you'll get roped into child care.

Loobyloolovesrandyandy · 11/08/2026 07:58

Well it's your choice.

You can choose to be upset about it or choose to not be upset about it.

Don't give them the power to upset you. Put that energy into booking something special for yourself.

Itsthewoluff · 11/08/2026 08:00

Well it will affect your dh when you don’t want to go on another “family” holiday because clearly you aren’t seen as true family…

Under normal circumstances it would be ok, but not on holiday where you are the only girl not invited. it’s sending you a clear message about where you stand. I wouldn’t be going on another one.

PurpleThistle7 · 11/08/2026 08:02

MyDeftDuck · 11/08/2026 06:55

That’s a bit mean on the part of those sisters. Planning a spa day with just sisters and mum would have been better done at home IMO, not on a family holiday and excluding other female relatives…..hope that makes sense.

It doesn’t because two of the sisters live in Australia and they haven’t all been together in years.

Unblushingly · 11/08/2026 08:03

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:37

@MNLurker1345 im close with 2 of his sisters (as in we speak almost every day). I don’t really speak too much with one of the sisters, but she also doesn’t really keep in touch with the others sister too. Just her mum (my MIL).

I have 1 sister and a sister in law, and we always do things collectively. We would never exclude my sister in law, we want her to feel like one of the family because that’s what she is, she married my brother but I get it’s not always the way. Maybe my own perception of how I fit in with my in laws has been off!

Edited

But you’re not family in the same way your SILs and their mother are to one another, and it’s silly to pretend otherwise. You’re only in their lives because of who you married. If you got divorced, you’d probably never see them again. They just fancied a bit of family time on holiday. Are you tremendously insecure that this bothers you so much?

PurpleThistle7 · 11/08/2026 08:03

Reading the other thread now and I’m more upset for the brother than anyone else. They excluded one sibling from their mother’s birthday celebration. Unclear if he said no thanks or was genuinely left out but either way that’s a bit sad for him. Wonder if this was always how it was - 3 sisters leaving out their brother.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 11/08/2026 08:03

if all the people invited are mother/daughter then surely you understand?

SIL got angry because me DM and DD do a lot together but she's my mum, its totally different!!

Willyoujust · 11/08/2026 08:04

I think that’s really spiteful behaviour! I should think his mum will feel really uncomfortable about the situation. I think the two sisters should be called out on their behaviour!

Unblushingly · 11/08/2026 08:06

Willyoujust · 11/08/2026 08:04

I think that’s really spiteful behaviour! I should think his mum will feel really uncomfortable about the situation. I think the two sisters should be called out on their behaviour!

There is absolutely nothing ‘spiteful’ about the desire of three women to just have a blood family moment during a larger gathering holiday.

ovals · 11/08/2026 08:07

This isn’t slight on the OP, it’s an opportunity for the others to spend some rare/precious time together. You can choose to be offended by that or you could amuse yourself for a few hours.

Unblushingly · 11/08/2026 08:10

ovals · 11/08/2026 08:07

This isn’t slight on the OP, it’s an opportunity for the others to spend some rare/precious time together. You can choose to be offended by that or you could amuse yourself for a few hours.

Exactly. And she specifies they’re all going out together for dinner afterwards.

Lilactimes · 11/08/2026 08:10

I totally get why you feel sad @AvidQuoter but try not to be upset.
the sisters may just want a few hours to themselves with their mum - especially as one is abroad.
also you said somewhere the mum doesn't know, when she finds out she may be annoyed on your behalf and say they should have asked you.
it's not personal just a few hours of them wanting to be together for the sake of the old days. I would really try not to let it get to me x

Recklessismymiddlename · 11/08/2026 08:11

Unblushingly · 11/08/2026 08:06

There is absolutely nothing ‘spiteful’ about the desire of three women to just have a blood family moment during a larger gathering holiday.

Show quote history

It is a bit. The original gift, was for the mum and all her children, to have a treat together. The sisters vetoed that and excluded the ops dh, their brother, because they wanted a spa day. At the very least, they then should have included their SiL, as they had excluded their brother imo.

user1492757084 · 11/08/2026 08:12

A bit rude.
Rise above being offended and plan a lovely outing with just your tiny family.
See it as a welcome time to catch your breath away from extended family for a few hours.

Unblushingly · 11/08/2026 08:15

Recklessismymiddlename · 11/08/2026 08:11

It is a bit. The original gift, was for the mum and all her children, to have a treat together. The sisters vetoed that and excluded the ops dh, their brother, because they wanted a spa day. At the very least, they then should have included their SiL, as they had excluded their brother imo.

Show quote history

Where are you getting this information?