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Original poster

Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

208 replies

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:15

Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 10/08/2026 22:17

I see his just as a mother daughter thing so I dont know why you would be invited?

But then I cant think of anything worse than these big group/family holidays. Theres normally always some sort of fall out

Awkwardisfunny · 10/08/2026 22:19

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:15

Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

Sorry but as much as I aim for inclusivity, I don't and wouldn't begrudge a mother spending quality time with her daughters.

She didn't birth you, she didn't raise you and you didn't grow up with her daughters. It's perfectly reasonable for them to want some private, family time. Especially if it's rare or just because they're on holiday. If they excluded you from multiple activities, that would be an issue.

You said you're close to your MiL: that's a really positive sign. Try to see this from their perspective and be a little less focused on yourself and your own needs.

MNLurker1345 · 10/08/2026 22:19

@WerewolfOfLoudon, thanks! It is a difficult one! They clearly don’t see each other often. OPs DH is not going and he is ok with it!

@AvidQuoter as I posted previously, present that you understand that they want mother and daughters spa date because ultimately they is what they do want.

I wouldn’t have done it, I have 3 sisters, but they have. And don’t take umbrage with you DH, he is between a rock and a hard
place of 5 women.

Gardenisablooming · 10/08/2026 22:20

Have they assumed you are the free child care ?
Time to step back once you get home op. Dh can do all the management of his family from now on. Christmas/birthdays etc. All down to him now.

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 10/08/2026 22:21

I can see why you'd feel hurt, but try and find a way to let it go.
Keep yourself, and DH/kids busy with something fun, then join for the dinner later.
If the SILs get asked about it from MIL it's up to them to explain. You don't have to worry about it.
I'd also be rethinking group vacations after that.

orangehandles · 10/08/2026 22:22

NameChangeScot · 10/08/2026 21:19

I can see how it's come about, they see it as a mum and daughter day, it is a bit thoughtless not to include you though but they see it as daughters treating their mum to a spa day. I wouldn't expect to be invited to a spa day with my SIL and MIL.

Edited

But if you were all on a big group family holiday together, it would be hurtful to be the only woman not asked.

Ineffable23 · 10/08/2026 22:23

I think it's fine to want to do something as mother and daughters without daughter in law. I don't think it's fine to arrange for it to happen during a holiday you're on and leave you as the only woman out.

Agrumpyknitter · 10/08/2026 22:28

TheMixedGirl · 10/08/2026 21:46

Take the opportunity to do something for yourself. Book a massage and maybe go shopping have some "you" time. This may be a blessing for you. Then think twice about how you interact with his sisters in the future. I think it is very thoughtless of them but now you know.

This exactly. I would also step back a bit from being over friendly with the SILs if they treat you this way.

katepilar · 10/08/2026 22:29

I personally wouldnt see a problem if they wanted a day out together as a mother-and-daughters day. And I certainly would not want my husband to get involved if I did.

saraclara · 10/08/2026 22:32

You've sneakily left out that the daughters are visiting from Australia @AvidQuoter. Given that they don't see their mum often (and is it her birthday? I can't remember) I think having precious quality time, just the three of them, is absolutely understandable.

Gardenisablooming · 10/08/2026 22:32

If op was invited on the family holiday isn't that a confirmation she IS family ?Actions say otherwise..her dh absolutely should be questioning why his dw is being left out.
Nasty fuckers.

katepilar · 10/08/2026 22:33

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:37

@MNLurker1345 im close with 2 of his sisters (as in we speak almost every day). I don’t really speak too much with one of the sisters, but she also doesn’t really keep in touch with the others sister too. Just her mum (my MIL).

I have 1 sister and a sister in law, and we always do things collectively. We would never exclude my sister in law, we want her to feel like one of the family because that’s what she is, she married my brother but I get it’s not always the way. Maybe my own perception of how I fit in with my in laws has been off!

Edited

I think its actually weird if you always do everything as a group.

SuperMagicHappyForest · 10/08/2026 22:34

AvidQuoter · 10/08/2026 21:53

@JustAnotherWhinger i am the only female adult not invited.

And this is absolutely why it is hurtful. Arseholes.

id actually tell them to fuck it with the ‘family time with partners and dinner’ malarkey… go and book yourself into the spa for the afternoon or do something you want to do.

i can’t abide anyone who can’t stand up for themselves or their partners. No one likes confrontation but sometimes you have to speak up to stand up for yourself.

what will MIL think when you don’t show up - what on earth are they going to say? That you didn’t want to go??? Twats of utmost degree esp as you get in with them. It’s the tribal marking the territory.

yes have a mum and daughter spa day - but not on holiday where only one other female is excluded from it.

BrieAndChilli · 10/08/2026 22:34

I would never leave anybody out in a group setting like this - even if they were a distant friend of a friend. It’s not on to leave 1 person of a certain sex/age etc out of an activity. When you are on holiday like this as a group then no-one should he left out (unless they want to be).

I would probably the morning of say ‘oh are the husbands on childcare duties today? Great. I’m off to do X’ and take myself off for a fun day and probably wouldn't come back for the family dinner. If I was really pissed off I would make my own plans for ke and the kids for the other days and if anyone said anything just say ‘oh sorry, i thought we were all making our own plans’

what are the plans for the test of the holiday? What sort of holiday is it?

Anxioustealady · 10/08/2026 22:35

saraclara · 10/08/2026 22:32

You've sneakily left out that the daughters are visiting from Australia @AvidQuoter. Given that they don't see their mum often (and is it her birthday? I can't remember) I think having precious quality time, just the three of them, is absolutely understandable.

I agree. I think that was intentionally left out to make them seem unkind. Half live in the UK, half live in Australia, outside of big family holidays when are they ever going to have chance for mother and daughters to spend time together?

I think this is a load of fuss over a single morning activity. You can be close to your mother in law but it's never going to be the same as mother's and their actual daughters, and each other's sisters. That's not something to be offended by.

BrieAndChilli · 10/08/2026 22:36

And whatever you do, do NOT get stuck looking after all the kids whilst the husbands sit around doing nothing.

saraclara · 10/08/2026 22:36

From the first OP she made recently:

I have 3 sisters in law, and I’m married to their younger brother. 2 live in Australia and 1 in the UK.
My MIL has a big birthday this year and to celebrate she wanted all the family to go on a big holiday together in Scotland. While we’re there one of my SILs happens to have a special birthday coming up too

Also a family member gave the other SIL money to do something special for their mum. So it's not your average extended family holiday.

Rhaidimiddim · 10/08/2026 22:38

Make sure " the husbands" look after the kids and take a day for yourself.

And make sure your husband looks after all the birthday and Christmas gifts for these thoughtless mares from now on.

Liberation Day!

(But I'm sorry, that must hurt. And on holiday, and "D"H doesn't see it...)

BrieAndChilli · 10/08/2026 22:39

When is the holiday, maybe you should book you and MIl a really posh lovely spa day beforehand to ‘prepare’ for the holiday.

PepsiBook · 10/08/2026 22:39

They just want time with their mum. End of.

Walkacrossthesand · 10/08/2026 22:39

Hasn’t this happened yet? There was an identical story a few days back and the majority advice was to take yourself, DH & your DC off for a nice time for the duration of the spa event, rather than be sat seething with the dads, supervising all the cousins in soft play.

Specialagentblond · 10/08/2026 22:40

@BrieAndChilli I was going to suggest something similar.

NoNameNoOne · 10/08/2026 22:40

I've read all this before!

likelysuspect · 10/08/2026 22:40

BrieAndChilli · 10/08/2026 22:39

When is the holiday, maybe you should book you and MIl a really posh lovely spa day beforehand to ‘prepare’ for the holiday.

Why?

AmnesiacsDream · 10/08/2026 22:41

Just seen the other thread. Makes it a bit messier for me. With the family being so far flung this may be the only opportunity they have in years to do a mother daughter thing. So maybe not so unreasonable. On the other hand, it being a birthday treat for one SiL, supposedly organized by all siblings with parent money it seems like a pretty crappy choice. All in they just don’t seem to care too much about anyone who isn’t going on the spa day, including FiL and DH. I do think given the role DH was supposed to have in organizing the bday treat, being annoyed with him is somewhat more reasonable- he could have stuck up for such an exclusive thing not being in the spirit of the offer from parents. But would probably stick to my original reaction - it tells you a lot about them and should inform your relationship with them. But it’s still just one day of an entire holiday and there’s no point letting it sour your time away.