Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

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Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

It wouldn't bother me to be honest. They are sisters and MIL is their mum, it is natural that they are going to be closer and want to spend time together on holiday.

Now seeing the 1st thread, I do think that 2 sisters living in Australia is quite an important factor.

I also really do not feel the OPs husband needs to speak up for her. She can pick and fight her own battles.

It will be interesting to see what MIL makes of OP being excluded.

But I expect it will all blow over, until the next
time.

That really doesn’t sound nice and your husband should stick up for you. If they can’t include you in the family then I wouldn’t go on holiday again with them.
To me, these large family gatherings sound horrific and far too enmeshed.

Think it’s an attempt to take the shine out of the other one?

I couldn't't get too worked up about this. It's clearly a mother/daughter thing to which it wouldn't be appropriate to invite you. Have a good relaxing time doing something else.

I think the update of the older post makes it even less of an issue. How many years since the 3 sisters and mum were together? Totally fair to spend one morning together.

Definitely agree you aren’t a babysitter though so I’d either book yourself something or take your kids and husband somewhere they’d enjoy and leave the rest of the children and men to it. No reason you need to look after loads of cousins (unless you want to!)

This, especially if the DDs don’t live near to each other or their mum, but op does and can see her whenever?

I wouldn’t do it. In fact when my family did do it, I refused to go, to some family members chagrin. It ended in disaster. Near miss for me!

Let it go and find something nice to do with your husband and kids, or by yourself.

Then do it and forget it.

I couldn't care about the spa morning, but definitely don't help with any childcare. Just enjoy a morning to yourself.

That’s just bloody mean

If you are close, tbh, I would have just said - is it a ‘mum and her daughters’ only for any reason because you feel a little hurt to have been excluded?

The only alternative is that your DH really should have just spoken to his sisters.

Let it go OP and enjoy your holiday.
Don't drag your husband into it, he clearly feels uncomfortable with the situation.
It's likely to have been a thoughtless oversight on WhatsApp group.

I would suggest to your husband that you all go out as a day out for you and your kids,Sometimes it all a bit much being with the wider family all week anyway. Don't get roped into looking after the other kids. I can see you are being lined up as the responsible adult here.

It's mean and petty to exclude you . I'd be upset too . Have a nice time shopping etc when they go. Let your H look after the kids .

don’t be dragging the poor MIL in, expecting your hubby to raise it with her when she knows nothing about it & hasn’t excluded you.

The SIL’s are probably just being a bit thoughtless.

just say to the SIL’s you feel left out

Yes, I was thinking this. Assuming it is the same person, my feeling is the same…the issue here is more that the DH is being excluded from the birthday celebration for his mother, not that you have been.

I’d have been surprised to be left out, but equally it is fine for them to do stuff without you, especially as they don’t see her all the time.

Agreed.

As I said last time, this isn’t about you. This is more about your husband being left out, if anyone.

It's ok for them to want to spend a few hours with their mum on their sister's big birthday. If they're a far flung family, such moments are understandably rare.

That doesn't mean they don't value you, OP. A sibling bond is different.

I don’t go on holidays where I’m excluded, so I’d tell him then I wont be going and your mum will know why anyway, as well as that you don’t have my back. And when you and the kids come home you’ll be coming home to a wife who knows you don’t have her back. If all that seems easier than you standing up for me then crack on, and I’ll update everyone and book a spa for my solo week at home. You’re not the boss of me and I won’t be treated like crap to make you more comfortable. You need slaves for that not wives.

I also agree. Sometimes people just need precious time together.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but can also understand mum and daughters wanting some time to themselves. That’s no reflection on their love for you. Just people who have known each other all their lives having some time together. Wish them well with a smile, this really isnt about you though could definitely have been handled more sensitively

My partner's sister routinely leaves me out of girly gatherings. I moved to the other side of the country a few years ago, and don't have any friends or family here. It wouldn't have killed her to have asked me along to some of the gatherings. But she never did and I gave up hoping. I'm fine as I am now. I actually get on best with my partner's mother!

At his sister's wedding recently I had to listen to her going on about how her and "the girls" were all going on a great night out after the daytime wedding celebration was over. I just smiled and congratulated her.

It's mean (if I understand correctly - seeing some updates filtering in as to why your group want to be alone) but you can't force an invite and why would you want to.

It's a mum and daughter outing and others are not invited. Do something else with that time.