Am I overreacting to being excluded from a family holiday spa day

[AvidQuoter]

Long story short, I’ve been excluded from a spa day while on a family holiday. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I’m from a family who is always inclusive so I think that’s maybe where my hurt stems from. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and he’s the youngest of 4.

We’re all off in a family holiday, grandparents too and one of the mornings his sisters and mum are all going on a spa day and I wasn’t invited. His mum doesn’t know anything about the plans but his sisters have organised it as girls only while the husbands look after all the kids.

It’s been specified to my husband on their “sisters and brother” WhatsApp group twice that then invite list is just them and my MIL (their mum). But after their spa morning we will all go out as full families, with partners and children for dinner.

I’m quite upset about it. My husband isn’t confrontational in the slightest so although he says he feels bad for me being left out he refuses to say anything. I know I won’t go regardless now and so I might just be being a bit petty about it but I had hoped he might at least say to his mum (who I’m close with) that I was a bit upset not to be included. He doesn’t want to involve his mum because he knows she would be horrified and he doesn’t want to confront his sisters either.

When I expressed to him that I’m a bit upset that he wouldn’t at least mention it to his mum, he’s shouted at me saying he’s not like me, and he’s sick of his family politics. So I’ve apologised to him and said I’ll not mention it again.

what are your thoughts?

That’s a bit mean. It wouldn’t hurt them to include you. It’s not fair to leave you out somehow.

id be a bit miffed about it too

I think it's fair enough. You can't be daughter enough to insist on being included in mother daughter things but not daughter enough to be able to deal with it without including your husband.

I'd be pissed off too if I were your husband. Don't drag him into it.

It jumps out to me that it’s poor behaviour from your DH tbh; I would expect him to at least ask the question. I was going to say maybe the sisters just wanted a day with their mum but I think it’s mean to exclude you if you’re the only other woman

Your H needs to talk to the husbands about it actually

“is it right that the girls are all off to the spa on Tuesday? Doesn’t seem right that it’s not been mentioned to @AvidQuoter , have a word would you boys? It’s not nice to leave someone out”

I can see how it's come about, they see it as a mum and daughter day, it is a bit thoughtless not to include you though but they see it as daughters treating their mum to a spa day. I wouldn't expect to be invited to a spa day with my SIL and MIL.

I agree with @NameChangeScot

Although, that said, I wouldn't be away on holiday with them all.

I can see that changes the dynamic somewhat, as, at home, it would be "2 sisters treating their Mum to a spa day" but, as you are all away together, it seems like a "girls day off.... except for AvidCoper" which does feel different.

However, I agree with @CatherinedeBourgh 's measure of how 'close' a family you are (or not). We are all different.

Is grandma going too? If not then I wouldn’t be too fussed as it’s clearly a mother daughter thing.

If on the other hand you’re the only “girl” not going then that’s a bit mean.

as they’ve called it a girls spa day it would assume all the girls. But if it’s a mother daughter thing - that’s different. Is it for a late Mother’s Day or birthday or something?

I’d be more annoyed husband shouted at me. But it does seem petty.

Maybe once mum goes and notices you’re not there she might say - hang on….

Fine for them to go on a mother/daughter spa day when at home, but really off that they're doing it on a family holiday and not inviting all the 'girls'. I would be pretty pissed off.

Make sure you take the morning for yourself to do something nice and leave the fathers with all the kids.

If you’re the only adult female who hasn’t been invited then I can see why this would be upsetting. If they don’t want you there, then there’s nothing you can do to change that. Especially if your DH won’t acknowledge that this is hurtful for you. I don’t know why you’d apologise to him though, you’ve done nothing wrong?
Plan something you’ll enjoy for yourself at the same time and leave them to it.

Assume granma is mil.

Your husband is the biggest issue here. He can support you and comfort you for being upset whilst also saying he doesn’t feel comfortable confronting his sisters.

He doesn’t have to diminish your feelings and shut you down just because he doesn’t want to raise the issue with them.

Well he can’t mention it to his mum if she doesn’t know about it?

I think as you’re all going away together it’s actually
not on to exclude you.

Mother / daughter trips are not for extended family holidays imo.

Is this not the second post you've made about this? You should let it go. They live in different countries, they want some time together just mother and daughters. You will change the dynamic, but it's not personal.

It's ONE morning, and you've said you won't go now so what's the benefit in saying anything -Just to spoil it for them? Or to make the rest of the holiday awkward?

It would be a real shame if they felt they could never have time just mother and daughters again because you'd create a fuss over it.

@AvidQuoter, you say you are close to DHs DM, are you close to his sisters?

We go out of our way to include all in-laws and make them feel part of the family. But not all families do that and it is not always possible.

@MNLurker1345 im close with 2 of his sisters (as in we speak almost every day). I don’t really speak too much with one of the sisters, but she also doesn’t really keep in touch with the others sister too. Just her mum (my MIL).

I have 1 sister and a sister in law, and we always do things collectively. We would never exclude my sister in law, we want her to feel like one of the family because that’s what she is, she married my brother but I get it’s not always the way. Maybe my own perception of how I fit in with my in laws has been off!

Do they live in different countries? If so I can see why they just want a few hours mum and daughters. Let them enjoy the morning but do something for you so you’re not babysitting all the kids.

Didn't you post this the other day?

I'd be a bit bothered too.

Have you posted about this before-the FIL had given the siblings £500 to plan MIL a treat?

I think your DH is being wet and should speak to his sisters.

Yanbu, that's really mean, my mil and sil wouldn't do that.

I'd find something else to do all day that's even nicer on my own and just see them for dinner.

I thought I’d read it before!

Take the opportunity to do something for yourself. Book a massage and maybe go shopping have some "you" time. This may be a blessing for you. Then think twice about how you interact with his sisters in the future. I think it is very thoughtless of them but now you know.

How does your husband feel? As really it should be him who is invited to a sibling + mum day.

Otherwise personally I’d try not to take it so personally. It’s fair enough to hang out with your mother without your sister in law. And you’ll be together the whole rest of the day.

Maybe. The ways it’s written suggests OP and partner, the daughters and partners(?), MIL/FIL, and grandparents. I don’t think OP would call in laws grandparents?

I’ve just seen that maybe the sisters live in differnt countries. So can understand why they want time with their mum. My SILs do stuff with their mum and it doesn’t bother me. I get on ok with them all.

I think that's pretty unkind of them and if you are all away together then you should be included.

This, proper de ja vue!