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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So sad I never met the one..

268 replies

BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 13:07

I follow someone online and she has the most lovely partner who clearly adores her and worships her. I feel so sad this never happened for me and probably never will now 😔 online dating fills me with dread and the men on there are often said to be the “dregs of society” not my words! But I don’t meet men irl either so would need to look online. I feel too old Now as well to meet someone decent as was reading on another post all the decent men in their 40s will be coupled up. Has anyone ever felt this way then managed to meet someone?

OP posts:
ScallopShelled · 08/08/2026 13:57

BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 13:38

Ok ive not come across many almost 40 year old virgins never realised it was that common.

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Well, you’re unlikely to know about it because many of the people who come on here are ashamed of it. They’re not going to be proclaiming it to all and sundry.

So look at it this way. You have experience. Presumably you’ve learned things from your past relationships that will help.

YouSawBrigadoon · 08/08/2026 13:57

Maybe stop looking and try to be happily single?

Didimum · 08/08/2026 14:00

I agree with you most of the best men will be coupled up, but certainly not all. It will just take a bit longer if you have the perseverance. I know it must be exhausting though x

EarthSight · 08/08/2026 14:00

Just wanted to extend my sympathy to you.

Like you, I haven't found the mutually loving and fulfilling relationship that I always wanted.

I have other reasons for not going on dating apps, but one of them is that I didn't see a single man that I truly fancied on there. Just lots of unattractive men, weirdos, or men who were quite attractive that I clearly wouldn't have enough in common with.

The thing that was really depressing is when I noticed I was seeing a lot of men who are at least a decade older than me, at minium, and wondered where all the millennial men my own age were. Then I changed my age on the app to something like 25 or 26, and suddenly, there they all were!! Men who look like they were in their late thirties or even early 40s, all lying that they were in their late 20s 🙄

Anyway, back to you - your needs are valid. Unlike what many posters on Mumsnet will suggest, you are somehow not defective or lacking just because you don't enjoy single life or wish to meet someone. Paring up is a biological instinct that is as old as our species, and one can't logic that way, or convince everyone that a life with travel and friends is sufficient to fill that gap. I know some women mean well when they provide advice, but I also think some are quick to make these type of judgements because they feel that your dissatisfaction is somehow a negative judgement on how their life is.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 14:10

EarthSight · 08/08/2026 14:00

Just wanted to extend my sympathy to you.

Like you, I haven't found the mutually loving and fulfilling relationship that I always wanted.

I have other reasons for not going on dating apps, but one of them is that I didn't see a single man that I truly fancied on there. Just lots of unattractive men, weirdos, or men who were quite attractive that I clearly wouldn't have enough in common with.

The thing that was really depressing is when I noticed I was seeing a lot of men who are at least a decade older than me, at minium, and wondered where all the millennial men my own age were. Then I changed my age on the app to something like 25 or 26, and suddenly, there they all were!! Men who look like they were in their late thirties or even early 40s, all lying that they were in their late 20s 🙄

Anyway, back to you - your needs are valid. Unlike what many posters on Mumsnet will suggest, you are somehow not defective or lacking just because you don't enjoy single life or wish to meet someone. Paring up is a biological instinct that is as old as our species, and one can't logic that way, or convince everyone that a life with travel and friends is sufficient to fill that gap. I know some women mean well when they provide advice, but I also think some are quick to make these type of judgements because they feel that your dissatisfaction is somehow a negative judgement on how their life is.

Edited

Thank you, yes I absolutely agree with you, it’s normal to want a partner and relationship so im absolutely not going to embrace being single, I have been single, lived my life and hoped I’d meet someone naturally but that just hasnt happened so I will have to give the apps another chance. Sadly im not surprised by the age thing I remember a man i went to school with on the apps was 5 years younger than me but in school he was 2 year groups above me 🤦‍♀️

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iamnotalemon · 08/08/2026 14:28

I’m like you and haven’t met anyone and mid 40s now, but I will embrace being single, because what’s the alternative, sitting at home crying about my circumstances? It is possible to embrace being single but also want to meet someone.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 14:31

To me embrace being single means give up looking

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Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 14:32

I find single boring if you don’t thats ok

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WitcheryDivine · 08/08/2026 14:40

I think it’s totally valid to feel sad and annoyed if you’ve not found a good relationship. I didn’t until a long time after many of my peers.

I think contrary to what many here are saying the key thing is don’t give up hope in humanity. It’s obviously not the case that everyone on online dating is the dregs of society and it’s an ever changing group of people anyway, so if they’re all terrible today they might not be next week. Obviously not ALL good people are in a relationship already. It might be hard to find but there are decent people out there and single. You’ll probably find the majority are perfectly ordinary just not to your taste or vice versa.

Do try to keep your options open while remembering what your non negotiables are and what counts as a good relationship FOR YOU which may be different for other people.

ScallopShelled · 08/08/2026 14:48

BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 14:32

I find single boring if you don’t thats ok

Respectfully, that’s not exactly a good mindset in which to approach dating. ‘I’m single, therefore my life is boring’ is not appealing to other people.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 14:56

Who said I was going to write that? lol most people want a partner because they don’t want to be alone 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 14:56

WitcheryDivine · 08/08/2026 14:40

I think it’s totally valid to feel sad and annoyed if you’ve not found a good relationship. I didn’t until a long time after many of my peers.

I think contrary to what many here are saying the key thing is don’t give up hope in humanity. It’s obviously not the case that everyone on online dating is the dregs of society and it’s an ever changing group of people anyway, so if they’re all terrible today they might not be next week. Obviously not ALL good people are in a relationship already. It might be hard to find but there are decent people out there and single. You’ll probably find the majority are perfectly ordinary just not to your taste or vice versa.

Do try to keep your options open while remembering what your non negotiables are and what counts as a good relationship FOR YOU which may be different for other people.

Thank you

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VaxMerstappen · 08/08/2026 15:00

You have so much more freedom when you're single though! You can do exactly what you want, as much as you want, whenever you want without the risk that someone else doesn't want to do that, or gets annoyed with you if you do. Sleeping in your own bed without someone out next to you farting, snoring, etc. Nobody in your house causing a mess. Not having to have duty sex when you don't really want to, but go along with just to avoid a partner being grumpy if you say no. Not having to spend loads of time, effort and money on keeping someone else happy...

I could go on. Really and truly, the older I get, the more I feel there are far more positives to being single than there ever are to being in a relationship.

And if you find being single 'boring', perhaps that speaks more of a need to get more hobbies and interests to fill your time with, rather than a partner.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:03

VaxMerstappen · 08/08/2026 15:00

You have so much more freedom when you're single though! You can do exactly what you want, as much as you want, whenever you want without the risk that someone else doesn't want to do that, or gets annoyed with you if you do. Sleeping in your own bed without someone out next to you farting, snoring, etc. Nobody in your house causing a mess. Not having to have duty sex when you don't really want to, but go along with just to avoid a partner being grumpy if you say no. Not having to spend loads of time, effort and money on keeping someone else happy...

I could go on. Really and truly, the older I get, the more I feel there are far more positives to being single than there ever are to being in a relationship.

And if you find being single 'boring', perhaps that speaks more of a need to get more hobbies and interests to fill your time with, rather than a partner.

If you think they you cant do what you want when you want in a relationship then Also speaks about the kind of relationships you’ve had. I can’t relate to any of that ive always been able to do what I want when I want and have never felt pressured to have sex either as I love sex and I’ve never felt pressure to spend money on a partner??. Im sorry you’ve had abusive relationship.

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Doubledutchbuss · 08/08/2026 15:03

My grandmother met ‘the one’ in her 60s. He was her third husband following a messy divorce in 40s and being widowed from her 2nd husband in her 50s. However she said she never realised what love was until she met him.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:04

Doubledutchbuss · 08/08/2026 15:03

My grandmother met ‘the one’ in her 60s. He was her third husband following a messy divorce in 40s and being widowed from her 2nd husband in her 50s. However she said she never realised what love was until she met him.

But she found 3 people that wanted to marry her? I can’t find one 😔

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spiderlight · 08/08/2026 15:08

My friend has just met 'the one' in her early 60s. They are absolutely giddy in love. I'm going to their wedding in a few days and I've never seen her happier. She wasn't looking for anyone but they met through a shared interest and just clicked.

Banalas · 08/08/2026 15:10

I don’t believe in The One. I think there are plenty of people that can make a good go of a relationship, once certain minimum standards are met - like sexual chemistry, broadly shared values, compatible financial outlook, etc.

Too many people get caught up with losers, cheats and addicts in the mistaken belief that they’re soul mates or, miss out on potentially great partners because they’re holding out for a romantic ideal. Lots of people unknowingly sabotage their relationships because they’ve no idea how to nurture one. Even people whose parents modelled strong relationships cannot always transfer that to a life where two people are working full time to barely survive, and you can never fully switch off.

It’s perfectly possible to meet a person who has also been as unlucky in relationships as you, for one reason or another, and make a go of it.

The best advice I can give is to start being happy because no one but you has the power to make you happy. We defer happiness all the time: until we get that job; until we go on holiday; until we meet the right man; until he proposes… but those are decisions. Just decide to start being happy and keep practising until you get the knack.

VaxMerstappen · 08/08/2026 15:13

BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:03

If you think they you cant do what you want when you want in a relationship then Also speaks about the kind of relationships you’ve had. I can’t relate to any of that ive always been able to do what I want when I want and have never felt pressured to have sex either as I love sex and I’ve never felt pressure to spend money on a partner??. Im sorry you’ve had abusive relationship.

Edited
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Well you say your relationships haven't worked out for one reason or another, so go on, tell us why...I'd imagine you've likely encountered terrible partners too otherwise you wouldn't be on your own now.

Reality is that most people will only add more stress to your life. Look at the amount of threads that get posted on here every day of absolutely awful, dysfunctional relationships. Yes, there are some healthy relationships, but I'd wager there are far more unhappy ones than happy ones, and people only staying together for financial reasons/scared of being on their own.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:19

VaxMerstappen · 08/08/2026 15:13

Well you say your relationships haven't worked out for one reason or another, so go on, tell us why...I'd imagine you've likely encountered terrible partners too otherwise you wouldn't be on your own now.

Reality is that most people will only add more stress to your life. Look at the amount of threads that get posted on here every day of absolutely awful, dysfunctional relationships. Yes, there are some healthy relationships, but I'd wager there are far more unhappy ones than happy ones, and people only staying together for financial reasons/scared of being on their own.

Edited
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They ended it with me. I have never had a partner pressure me for sex, restrict me from doing what I want when I want (having to ask for permission) spending money on them etc, just being honest thats not my experience of relationships

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:20

Banalas · 08/08/2026 15:10

I don’t believe in The One. I think there are plenty of people that can make a good go of a relationship, once certain minimum standards are met - like sexual chemistry, broadly shared values, compatible financial outlook, etc.

Too many people get caught up with losers, cheats and addicts in the mistaken belief that they’re soul mates or, miss out on potentially great partners because they’re holding out for a romantic ideal. Lots of people unknowingly sabotage their relationships because they’ve no idea how to nurture one. Even people whose parents modelled strong relationships cannot always transfer that to a life where two people are working full time to barely survive, and you can never fully switch off.

It’s perfectly possible to meet a person who has also been as unlucky in relationships as you, for one reason or another, and make a go of it.

The best advice I can give is to start being happy because no one but you has the power to make you happy. We defer happiness all the time: until we get that job; until we go on holiday; until we meet the right man; until he proposes… but those are decisions. Just decide to start being happy and keep practising until you get the knack.

When I say the one, I just mean the one… for me. As in my person.

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ojhdddhjs76 · 08/08/2026 15:25

I understand what you’re saying OP, I think people are being a bit obtuse saying SM isn’t real life. There are a lot of rubbish relationships out there, but there are happy ones too, whether that SM influencer is one of them or not, it’s understandable to want that. I really hope you do find it, I don’t have any advice, I’d love my mum to meet someone and it just seems so challenging to naturally meet people these days.

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:28

ojhdddhjs76 · 08/08/2026 15:25

I understand what you’re saying OP, I think people are being a bit obtuse saying SM isn’t real life. There are a lot of rubbish relationships out there, but there are happy ones too, whether that SM influencer is one of them or not, it’s understandable to want that. I really hope you do find it, I don’t have any advice, I’d love my mum to meet someone and it just seems so challenging to naturally meet people these days.

Thank you, he clearly adores her and they’ve been together since high school, I don’t know why thats so hard for people to believe they can be happy? No relationship is perfect but no one is expecting that, but they are happy and not every man is abusive.

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lmnabc · 08/08/2026 15:32

My friend went on 19 first dates with OLD. She’s late 40s now, married with 2 beautiful children. She stuck with OLD until she found the right one. If you want it hard enough, you need to put the effort in

ETA: I’ve never found the right one but then I didn’t really try

Original poster
BlueRoseRedRose · 08/08/2026 15:35

I tried online dating in the past but it was full of men that only wanted sex.
I will keep trying but it just does get frustrating

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