Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

Why do people assume that the man had a greater insight into the relationship than the woman? He likely didn’t realise there was someone out there more compatible and just assumed this is what a relationship is. Then he met someone who was more compatible.

I agree - the most important element is they’re ready NOW and it’s whoever is available and in the nearest vicinity. Some women are like this when it comes to wanting a child - they lose the imperative of finding the perfect father and soul mate and are happy to settle for someone who ticks the necessary but not all the boxes before their opportunity of becoming a mother has gone.

It’s the period after that becomes the problem when they’re evaluating their relationship.

Recently I had an ex bf contact me out the blue to profess his undying love (we’d been in a LDR 6mths over 15 years ago!!!) and I found out it was bc the woman he’d fathered 2 kids with had finally walked out on him, taking the kids. She was the relationship directly after me and ironically he went from zero commitment to me bc he said he was selfish and wanted to live alone - to getting with someone and having kids swiftly afterwards. He then went from not being bothered about our relationship to convincing himself it was the greatest love story ever told and lost the plot quite a bit. He actually had expected me to still be single and living with my parents at the age of 40+ and wanted to drive over to where I had previously lived and for us to resume our relationship as if nothing had happened. I made it clear I wasn't interested in any of that nonsense as I’m in a committed relationship and have children of my own now but was happy to be friends and offer him some support (he told me he had no friends and minimal support from family). Unsurprisingly I haven’t heard from him since.

I don't think that most of the time it has anything to do with the next woman being more suitable or what he really wants or anything as complicated or emotionally deep as that at all. I personally think that (for lots, not all men) that they suddenly shit themselves that if they don't get married they will end up alone. I think that even though they tend to be avoidants they also want to be coupled up because, for men, being married gives a wealth of benefits. Much easier than the dating game which is a nightmare. So they find someone who will marry them quick and they just do it as they don't want to be alone.

I think it's absolutely to do with the fact that the woman they were currently with is not who they actually wanted

They didn't want to marry that woman.And then they found somebody they did want to marry.

Sometimes you don't realise you with the wrong person until you find the right one.