Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

Sorry but as they say he just wasn’t that into you. Don’t waste anymore time thinking about him, concentrate on your life and new relationship.

That must hurt.

I can only imagine that he learned from your break up that partnerships need commitment and he was not going to make the same mistake again.

I would feel pain and anger.

Not Happened to me but there have been many threads like this over the years. I think it is incredibly sad. I hope you are okay.

I think it happens quite regularly. I can imagine it hurts, but people are different in different relationships. It’s also possible his new partner was completely upfront about wanting to marry within x timeframe, and made it crystal clear she wasn’t hanging about if he wasn’t interested. Or she proposed to him, and he accepted.

Happened to me. Long term ex didn’t want children or marriage was adamant about this. I wanted both but stupidly ‘loved’ him so much was willing to sacrifice these dreams for him. He cheated on me with an ex girlfriend and was married and she was pregnant within a year.

Not going to lie, I thank the gods that I didn’t stay with that idiot! He’s the only ex I really can’t stand and I think it’s misplaced dislike from the intense anger I feel at myself for allowing him to dictate MY hopes and dreams for MY future.

If anyone says to me ‘he doesn’t want to marry or have kids’ I always say get out!!! Being ‘in love’ just doesn’t amount to much, when faced with long term hopes and dreams.

I know you’re hurting now but it is honestly a blessing in disguise. Trust me on this! 💐

I had similar.
Was with someone 7 years, marriage or children were never mentioned but I think we both thought it would happen eventually.
Split, he took up with someone within 3 months and married her a few years on.

I wasn't bothered. We clearly weren't meant to go the distance with each other, I wished them nothing but happiness.
I know he still sees me as the one that got away 🤣, his sister has told me more than once.

It does sting. A lot. A bit like I was a placeholder.

He used to say he didn't see the point in getting married. We were in our late 20s/ early 30s when we got together and are now late 30s/ early 40s. Too late to start a family (I never wanted kids, he swayed a bit, but by his own admission would now feel too old to have any, so that isn't it).

What makes one relationship so different from another?

Yep I was with someone who said marriage was off the tables it was something he definitely didnt want want. He ended up cheating on me and married her 2 years later

From what I gather through mutual friends, he was keener on getting married than she was.

He didn't want to marry you because he didn't love you in that strong, sure way that goes with committing for life and was keeping his options open He loves his new partner in that way.

Ugh. Well from reading on here it's not that uncommon. If he was the keener of the two on marriage, I suppose it's possible he might've learned something from the end of yours. Otherwise, could be a Peter Pan situation and he's finally grown up. I've seen that before.

This is hard to hear but I think we were place holders. We heard ‘I don’t believe in marriage’ but what they were actually saying is ‘you’re not marriage material for me’. That’s a horrible thing to realise. But it’s says more about their shitty character than it does about our ‘unworthiness’ or however we internalise it.

It's obvious that you and he were not the real deal though no doubt you cared for each other and tried.

Time to move on.

Don’t let it inside your head OP, this is very common. I have one friend who experienced it more than once. And I vaguely remember a book a few years ago called something like ‘the one before the one’ about a woman who had a string of breakups with men who didn’t want marriage but went on to marry their next partner.

Your ex wasn’t right for you, his new partner isn’t better than you, just better suited and that opened his eyes to marriage. Sorry you’re feeling down about it though, wish we could cheer you up a bit.

You said "ex of mine years". You were both very young then. My last ex boyfriend went on to marry my best friend. It's never bothered me. It hurt for a while being dumped, but I don't think you would have stayed married. Hopefully you are both older and wiser

He's also 9 years older, and in an era of life when you start to notice that you're ageing - could be as simple as that.

Forget him. On to the next adventure for you! 🤗

It’s a tale as old as time, never happened to me but it happens all the time.

Men are very practical, remember they can easily have sex not just with women they don’t love but women they hate. In our more harridan moments my sisters and I have agreed as long as fucked and fed they will just remain in relationships that are just not right for them because it’s easy and it serves their needs.

When they do love women they will go all out.

I am afraid he just didn’t love you enough.

I suppose what's worst is seeing mutual friends gush over how perfect these two are for each other.

It's affecting me, too, because I'm being more and more excluded from things we used to do together and he is now doing with her. Imagine we both loved hosting karaoke nights in a club and now he does it with her and I don't get a look in any more because the organisers don't want conflict.

Like she has taken my place but got everything I never did.

I'm in a HA property now (I was never put on the mortgage so when we broke up I left with nothing but my own savings). They have moved into a house they both own together as far as I know.

My DH was with his previous partner for 10 years, and never married her. She actually proposed to him and he said no, which I think is the main reason they split. I don't know much about their relationship, but I think they were together for that long partly because they had bought a place together? Also, I think their relationship had just run it's course.

Yep!!! I think it’s incumbent on us to actually have very clear boundaries about what WE want, to avoid being sucked into this. After my experience, I was very clear when I met my husband that if it wasn’t kids and marriage, I was off the table! I wasn’t going to be played like this again.

I feel like I'm past my best years now.

Sorry this has happened.

That’s shit of your ‘friends’!

Hope you have some nice things and people in your life, unconnected with your ex, or who are proper friends with tact! Or that you find things and people soon!

Maybe she’s wealthy and he’s after her money.
Maybe he’s terminally ill and tidying up his affairs.
Maybe he’s a serial killer and doesn’t want her to testify against him in court.

Maybe he’s just changed his mind about marriage!

If these mutual friends are gushing about them around you then they are not your friends. Cut out the mutual contacts. It’s time to move on completely from the ties to this man.

Sadly this. Sorry that you are upset.
Not trying to be rude but you'd do worse than watch He's Just Not That Into You. It may be a bit dated and it's very Hollywood but it has some good points...