Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

I know many people who have changed their minds about marriage both within an existing long term relationship and with a subsequent one, both men and women.

People change over time as do their views or opinions or preferences or sometimes due to situations (like illness).

This has happened to me. Also two boyfriends that said they didn’t want kids and are now dads - I lost my first baby and haven’t had the chance since. They both cheated on me why do they get the chance? I work hard and don’t lie to people. I’ll never understand why I’m not good enough but the next woman ALWAYS is. Every time.i still have nightmares about all of my ex boyfriends apart from one. He wasn’t bad. But ive not got over any of this and it’s hard to focus on my new relationship but I have to. and them he tells me he doesn’t know if he wants kids or not. But still wants to get married one day. How do I know that? To me they’re all liars and I have to force myself to stop that line of thinking. My DP is lovely and I hate thinking that about him.

Firstly, you're absolutely not past your best years. I'm mid 40s and loving dating again, I'm in a far better place than I ever was, know myself and what I want, more confident and attracting better guys!

This has happened to me with someone, not the marriage point but we split up partly because I wanted kids and he already had two and didn't want anymore. Guess what, he now has another kid with the woman after me! But he is also cheating on her I've been reliably informed so I think I dodged a bullet ultimately there. It hurts, but that relationship was not meant for you, it doesn't mean you're not as good as her, it's just about differences and how two people fit and function together.

It also could well be just that he's growing up/getting older/knows she'll only stay if married, or do not discount the possibility that they might start a family, late 30s/early 40s is not too old to do so and perhaps the new partner wants that.

There's a Shakira line in the diss track she wrote when Gerard Pique left her for a 20 year old uni student - 'I'm too good for you and now you've found someone who's your equal' - keep that in mind!

It is quite common.
When people start the first relationship, it feels there is an infinite time and marriage or children can come later, no rush.

In the later one, the feeling of all time in the world is gone, and they think differently.

I heard this happen quite a lot, no idea why men do it, they may just think "well that didn't work out" and do the next relationship differently.

I didn't believe in marriage in my early 30s (and then-DP didn't care) and rejected the entire notion for a decade. Then now-DH and I changed our minds. I still don't believe that marriage matters in terms of our love or how valid our relationship is, but in my 40s I was more aware of our mortality and I preferred it to the legal admin we'd otherwise have to do to protect each other. And I wanted to have a party.

Wanting to be married isn't just about the person but about where you are in life. Sometimes things begin to matter that you never thought would matter.

Horribly maybe he just realised he was at the age where people commit and as someone said he learned from you that he wouldn’t get a girlfriend without being ready to marry. It’s awful op

My brother split with his ex because she wanted to marry. Together ten years. Brother met someone a few months later and they were married the following year. I asked him about his change of mind and he said it seems women just want that piece of paper. It wasn’t that his new partner was better than previous partner, he just realised most women would want that commitment and he’d eventually have to give it them.

He’s a dick

I expect that what happens is that a man with commitment problems get dumped so moves on to another women. when he see's that the new woman also wants to get married he thinks "fuck, I can't be arsed to do all this moving and finding a new woman shit" so it's easier for him just to submit. Once he realises that, he just agrees to get married coz it's easier.

And another poster raised a very good point. It isn't just about the partner you're with, it's about where you are in life.

There’s a window of about two years when it’s all exciting and new and new partner seems perfect. He’s committed while he’s in that phase. Wasn’t ready when you two were in that phase. It’s not you.
I always say to women to give it two years before committing to DC and get married first. We have to act in our own best interests for our security for us and any DC. All relationships have hardships after the honeymoon phase. His will too.

Definitely block them on SM.

Your friends sound a bit shit.

If you want a fresh start, can you move nearer to your family?

Yes it not uncommon. Don't give it headspace. Instead of a messy break up.it could have been a messy divorce. Onward and upward. Lucky escape for you.

Be kind to yourself.

It may not necessarily be that you were substandard so he wouldnt marry you or commit to you, and the next woman was so wonderful and perfect that he instantly saw the light and voluntarily offered her everything you ever wanted on a plate. It may equally be that he was complacent, took you for granted and has now had an illuminating moment where he realises the value of commitment, and that if you dont meet your partner halfway and compromise so that each of you gets something of what you want, you may end up with nothing. Facing being alone after a long overly comfortable relationship is very sobering and sometimes frightening, and jumpstarts these changes of heart.

I think we always jump to the worst interpretation of events, that end up making us feel miserable. Try to take the positive view thats not so painful - ie only after you were gone, did he realise the truth of what you had been saying for so long, that commitment / marriage are important. You may have been the catalyst for that realisation, its not that you werent good enough. Big hugs!

Ive been in this situation but slightly differently - I was in a long term relationship of ten years that just bumbled along. I always wanted more, i loved him and wanted to start planning a shared life and marriage together, he was perfectly happy with the status quo. It was only when I turned 30, had a deep think about where my 20s had gone and what was going to happen in the next ten years and took the choice away from him by ending it myself, that he suddenly and magically transformed into everything I had longed for him to be. He wanted to get married, plan a future, get a house, bought me perfume and flowers etc etc. Sadly it was everything and more I had wanted, just too late .... his selfishness and apathy had killed the love and I just wanted to step into a new phase of my life without him. He did indeed marry the next woman in his life.

Not to me, but happened to two good friends.

In one case he had also insisted she have a termination as he didn’t want children. Of course new wife was pregnant within two months of the marriage and they went on to have three children.

They mean they don’t want to marry you.

Tanaria,of course you aren't done with your best years,late 30s early 40s. No way. I got pregnant at 18 in the 60s, naive,you got married. He was controlling, aggressive,gay,used me as a front for his middle class family. Lost his business, tried to kill me for the insurance money. Made homeless,court appearances were hell. I got through it. Met a guy at work,were friends and colleagues. His first wife cheated,he said he would never re marry. I had our DD at 41, been married 27 years. Never did I believe life was over,I'm 75 now, and it still ain't over. My late father used to say "you get one life, this isn't a dress rehearsal"

It's very common. He didn't want to marry you rather than didn't want to get married. That doesn't mean you're not good enough, it isn't a reflection on you as a person, just on your compatibility in his mind. Could you use thr opportunity to do
something new, move somewhere, a big trip, something else for you?

So he compromised his wants and needs to please someone else, why does that make him a dick?

This kind of happened to me but it wasn’t nine years. I have seen this a lot though. And I mean A. LOT.

A lot of men are comfortable using women as placeholders (because they have the time to do so) while they wait for a woman they actually want to be with to come along. Normally there are signs though.

It reminds of the furore over journalist with Rod Liddle and his affair with the receptionist who he eventually left his wife for. The wife has been interviewed and said the thing that really burned was how quickly he gave the mistress everything she had to beg for. She wanted to stay home when the kids were young. He refused but the mistress got it. She wanted marriage and never got it until he decided to leave her. He proposed to the mistress with a year, etc.

Sorry but you were “She Will Do”. I think what other women need to learn is to be clear on our own wants, desires and timeframes.

And if we see our partner is not on the same page - LEAVE.

Does anybody remember the post here in the last few months? OP’s son was dumped by his girlfriend of 4 years for dragging his feet on engagement and commitment? Some posters criticised that but she probably wanted to avoid a situation like this!

Yep. I was with a guy for one year who was not looking for a relationship ever. Commitment / monogamy was not his thing and he also kept things between us “secret”.

Evidently I was not bothered then as I continued hooking up with him. Or thought I wasn’t bothered. The woman after me he immediately started a proper relationship with and was open about it. Yeah that stung but I learned from it.

Yes, I was in shock! I messaged him to congratulate him and he told me he was doing it because he wanted to move to Canada and his fiance is Canadian. They split up a few years later. I think he’s still in Canada.

Saying he was not into her is not saying something is wrong with her. I think suggesting that and trying to find reasons for his lack of desire to commit to OP is unhelpful. You can be a great person….and still not that person’s “person”.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape, as you would probably be divorced right now if he had married you. So look at it that way, even if it is annoying and hurts knowing he's marrying someone else.

Same happened to me,15 years together and he proposed to his new GF before they even lived together. 6 months after dating.

The only thing I can really relate it too is I guess they say when you know you've met 'the one' and that's just what happened here, I don't think it should put a downer on your entire relationship.

At least you didn't have to go through the effort of divorce!

Are you still close to him?

You're not.

I too was emtionally and financially fucked over after a decade-long relationship. I never had to deal with mutual friends fawning and them being in close proximity though. Can you cut them loose for a while? Can you take a temporary job elsewhere? Abroad, or in a different town or city? I did this, and then coming back was completely different.

Take what you've learned and know that it has made you stronger, wiser, and more ready to face better years.

And you are not too old for whatever you want. I was early 30s, and chuckle now at my own thoughts of being over-the-hill for a new life.

Best of luck, OP.