Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

Absolutely not. I felt like I’d wasted my 20s and half of my 30s in an awful marriage. Took 10 years to heal and then met the most incredible man who taught me exactly what love and a healthy relationship is. Everything you are experiencing is normal but you will find the person who will bring you the happiness you deserve. And because you have experienced this, you will be a better person for it too.

It's not about what she has that you don't - you need to get over this mindset, not just about him but for future dating. It's about how two people fit together - compatibility. You could objectively have lots more qualities than she has and it still not be right. Not everyone is right for everyone, of course, or we would all couple up easily. That's not a reflection on anything about you.

The one thing we know for sure she has is his more mature version. The version which went through break up with you, looked at the world around with new eyes and re-evaluated his position.

Read again this from @olafree
My brother split with his ex because she wanted to marry. Together ten years. Brother met someone a few months later and they were married the following year. I asked him about his change of mind and he said it seems women just want that piece of paper. It wasn’t that his new partner was better than previous partner, he just realised most women would want that commitment and he’d eventually have to give it them.

I mean this gently but you need to really not focus on her like this. You know every relationship is different, some people have chemistry some don’t have so much, some none, it isn’t about you as individuals, you can’t compare or try to work out why her and not you, you will make yourself fucking miserable,

for your own sake you need to move on, block them on social media, stop looking at posts about them or by them.

and start to focus on your own happiness. Not all relationships last, not all go the distance, you’re still young enough to meet someone and have a happy relationship or have fun trying.

block them now, for your own mental health .

Cmon now, fhere is nothing to say that’s what happened here, and such a misogynistic view point, at least be honest with her,

Exactly.
It's way more likely to be this than all the myriad of "he just didn't want it with YOU" comments which are just a bit unpleasant really.
Basically it's likely he just grew up.

My EXH proposed after about 9 years then we married the following year. Anyway, some years on from that we split due to infidelity on his part. He stayed with OW, proposed quite early on (I wasn’t bothered by this because it turns out I was happier without him) but yet, a decade on they’re still not married.

What makes their relationship so different?
A person can change their mind about marriage for a variety of reasons. With age, more life experience and, likely, meeting someone who's really compatible can make people who didn't think they want marriage, want marriage.

It could also be that, unlike you, his current partner has been clear from the get go that she wants marriage, or she's gone. You stayed for 9 years even though you wanted marriage - not all women are willing to compromise like you on something that's important to them. In my culture, if marriage hasn't been brought up within a couple of months of getting to know each other, the relationship is considered a dead-end, and a complete waste of time. Men don't need a lot of time to work out if they want to get married - if they're dragging their feet, it's because they don't want to marry you. Then, again, it's up to you as a woman to walk away. If marriage and commitment is something you want.

I split with my ex when he cheated and I got a new job moved over 150 miles away. I was 35. Best thing I ever did!!

I met my now DH, had a kid in my forties and we all moved again to somewhere completely new when I was mid fifties. It’s been wonderful. 💃

Forget your stupid ex. You don’t need that shit.

Think about moving to somewhere completely new and starting again. You’re never too old to start your new life.

I’m not sure it is unpleasant to say “he didn’t want it with you” - yes, it might be painful to hear but it’s overwhelmingly the most likely reason.

The vast majority of women have also been in relationships where they like their partner well enough and are content to stay, but also where they’d never want to progress to marriage or kids. It’s incredibly common - very few of us meet “the one” without going through a few “not for mes”.

You may be right I just thought some of the replies were quite heartless for no good reason & likely to make the OP question herself & feel it was all her fault.

Some of these responses are so unkind. Did you really have to type out ‘she was Mrs right’ and you were ‘Miss right now’. Lots of very shitty similar comments.

OP it could be a myriad of things but ultimately none of them matter because this isn’t something you can change. The wondering and the feeling awful about it are valid and normal ways to feel. Most people would feel the same. But I also wonder if you’d stayed, if you’d both never broken up, would you always wonder what it was about you that meant he wouldn’t commit to marrying? Would you have made your peace with it but also had this nagging doubt in the back of your mind that somehow you weren’t enough. That would have destroyed your self esteem too. He wasn’t right for you. And he’s taught you something really valuable for next time, which is that you must never compromise on the things that mean so much to you. And that a
man who delays and delays can’t be trusted.

Sending you so much love. It’s a shitty situation.

you weren’t wrong. Some of the replies are awful.

Relationships aren’t just carbon copies of each other. Obviously yours wasn’t one he saw himself in for life. I had lots of relationships with men before I met Dh. A few of them I definitely didn’t want to marry, but a couple I did very much. It didn’t happen. We’ve all gone on to get married to other people and have long term happy relationships.

I knew within 6 months of meeting Dh that we were going to get married one day soon (we talked about it and started putting plans into place to make it happen). It was just a different relationship to all the ones before. It’s not because I was manipulating previous partners or stringing them along. But when you know, you know. You obviously weren’t the person for him, which is great, because now you’ve both moved on. I don’t think it’s some great mystery.

Not me but a close friend. Also spent 9 years of her life with someone. He refused marriage and kids with her.

He married the next one with indecent haste.

Sometimes what they mean is they dont want to marry you. Hard though it is to hear.

Friend's husband left her for a work colleague (who was also married) after 5 years of marriage. He also claimed he didn't want any kids. One year after he left her, his new girlfriend was pregnant.
He just fell out of love.
In your case, the boyfriend probably didn't really love you (that much). He just settled for the predictable comfort and ran when a more attractive woman emerged.
The fault is not in you.
It's all just lies, lies, lies.

People settle out of a combination of lack of self awareness and laziness - that's what your ex did, I'm sure. "Getting messy" and splitting is almost certainly a result of that. You are confusing the longevity of a relationship with commitment and he was in the wrong for allowing this but he probably wasnt honest with himself. I'm pleased you knew what you wanted and that you did split as what he was offering you wasn't worth it. I'm not surprised it hurts but persuading him to have married you would have been awful for you. Try not to see it a personal slight, even though I know that is easy to say. You weren't compatible, that's all. It doesn't say anything about you as a person at all.

Yes my DH was with his ex for 9 years 2 kids
never wanted to get married
they split up

we met a year later got married within 6 months and have been together 27 years this year

Yanbu to be upset. You were his Miss Right (for now)

I’ve read many stories like yours on here, including exes who said that they didn’t want marriage and babies but had them both quickly with the next partner.

I suspect it was nothing at all to do with you. it was timing. During the time you and he were in a relationship, he was not ready to commit. He has now matured and reached the stage where he wants to. So he is committing to the relationship he is currently in. I think his new relationship probably isn’t particularly better than the one you and he had. It may be different but not necessarily better what has changed matters is that he has matured and reached the point where he is ready to commit. I’m quite sure it feels a little bit like a rejection, but I actually think it has nothing at all to do with you.

I saw this happen once. They were both nice people but tbh I thought it was obvious that they weren't right for each other. He should have ended it much sooner, rather than keep her dangling (although tbf he was always upfront that he wouldn't marry her or have kids with her. She thought she could change his mind).

He's much, much better suited to his now wife. Ultimately is ex is better off with someone else too.

The fact that it happens so often that a man quickly marries the next woman who comes along can't just be about him finding someone who's a better fit. It's too much of a coincidence that so many men would find "the one" so quickly after a long previous relationship! I wonder if it's more a rebound thing, especially if his ex dumped him, like he screwed up before so doesn't want to again! Plus unlike us women, men hate being alone, bless their cotton socks!

Sorry but it seems you may have place marker for him. It is dreadfully hurtful behaviour on his part to have strung you along for so long. I doubt even if he had married you he would have stayed the course.

Take up some new activities and interests and find a new set of friends. Hold you head up high and try to make your future about what you want to achieve for yourself, not about the past, which can't be changed. I hope you can put this behind you eventually and find happiness with someone else.

Story as old as time
You simply weren’t the one for him. You were a placeholder .
Men can sleep with you, move in with you , have kids with you and still not marry you .

I think the point was more that it wasn't her fault or anything she did - he just didn't feel strongly enough for her. It happens.