Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

Well it’s good you didn’t get married, because you split up. Maybe he sensed it wasn’t going to be for life. His new relationship probably feels different for him, nothing you did wrong he just might love her in a different way.

My old boss was married for over 20 years to a man who was adamant he never wanted children, so she stifled her maternal longings. He then shacked up with a woman 20 years younger than her.....with 4 children.

However, she did meet and marry a lovely man after him, though by then of course children wete out of the question.

I haven’t experienced it myself but have seen it many times over the years, it’s so common it’s almost a trope. It must be very painful though to the one who wanted marriage. .

Very wise words.

Another example of the phenomenon: I knew someone who married his long-term girlfriend after nine years, apparently partly because she'd said 'we marry or we split'.

Within a year, he'd started divorce proceedings and got together with someone else (younger than her). He went on to have two children with this younger woman soon after (though afaik they never married).
He was a clever guy and normally decent, but boy, he was kack-handed and an arsehole in these relationships. By now, he's separated from his children's mother, too, and appears to be going a bit potty.

You've probably dodged a bullet, OP, however much it hurts. I hope you can move on.

It promotes waiting as it suggests that what needs to happen is “him growing up”. So she just needs to wait for that to happen. I have never heard of a man being with a woman he dreams of being with…..but is happy to let her go just because it’s “not time”.

I also don’t think it’s statistically improbably for somebody to find their person to find their person after things with a placeholder / the wrong person ends. I would argue it’s actually statistically the norm

I would appreciate that detail. As it would confirm he simply did not want to marry me and next time not to allow a man to waste my time.

He’s waiting for nothing. He doesn’t want to marry (her.)

Sorry Op but this should be a lesson for many. 9years and you should have walked a long time ago. When he didn’t want to commit in that way, didn’t want a family, didn’t want to add you onto a mortgage - all very clear that he didn’t see a future with you. it must be very hurtful but be glad that you didn’t invest more into him. Let him walk, you didn’t deserve him anyway.

It doesn't "promote" anything & certainly not waiting around.
All it shows is a different way of looking at what's happened - he is a decade older, has met a woman he likes, is in the honeymoon phase & so marriage seems like a thing he is willing to do now, plus the new woman probably wants it now too.

I still think a lot of the time these incidents of men leaving a long relationship & then suddenly jumping into marriage are less about the new woman involved & more about where the man is now at.

There is nothing "surely" about it.

It isn't hard to imagine that after losing one relationship with someone suitable enough to spend 10 years together, he looks around and finds the grass isn't really greener elsewhere (no-one more suitable there), but maybe he finds someone similarly suitable or doesn't want to be alone and gets someone even slightly less suitable and decide to settle down with them.

Of course it can be helped by a honeymoon period of new love, but it doesn't mean the new partner is better fit for long term.

Nope.

This theory says that the break up served as the kick for growing.
It is easy to not really see the good you have and expect the other options to have all the good plus more. It is easy to be complacent.

This, @Tanaria. Simple as.

Is it shitty character though? The relationship didn’t work and he moved on, I don’t think there was any mention of cheating. Horrible, definitely but unfair to judge his character surely?

This is bitter, but to me it says somewhere deep down he knew you were not right for each other, or you weren’t right for him. Not to be hurtful, but sometimes accepting the facts can help you move onwards.

Not to me but a friend of mine. 12 years with the same bloke who eventually cheated and they split up. He had married the other woman within a year. My friend was absolutely broken. The other
woman came with loads of baggage and didn't work. She eventually caused lots of friction within the bloke's family and his life looks like a bit of a mess now if I'm honest.

Nah! I thought that and didn't date for 5 years but then met someone and was engaged in a few months, married in less than 2 years, kid already on the way on our wedding day. Before that I was with someone who always said they didn't want to marry, couldn't bear being the center of that circus etc. Turn out they were cheating on me for over a decade. You might feel glum now, but that's no predictor of your future.

I’m sorry this has happened to you

This didn’t happen to myself but my ds father told me I wasn’t the type of woman he wanted children with when I found out I was pregnant

so similar in that I just wasn’t the person right for him (or in my ex’s eyes good enough for him 🙄)

ot does hurt but you have to stop thinking about what could have been or what he has now as what does it matter it does not change your future.

It’s hard but every time you start to think what you had together or what they now have together you have to give yourself a talking to tell yourself to move forward, you will move on but you have to be strict with yourself it’s not easy but I promise it gets better

and one day you just don’t care anymore but it takes work 😊

@Tanaria This sounds difficult. I don’t want to make assumptions, but it sounds like the circumstances of your breakup and situation now are making it much harder to move on.

Regarding the actual question about your relationship, as others have said he likely feels more strongly about his new partner. I’ve heard people say so many times that they don’t want kids or marriage, then they meet someone they feel more strongly about and they change their minds. I would bet that one day you’ll be in a new relationship that casts this one into the shade (not saying you’ll want children, but just that your ex will pale into insignificance by comparison).

I’m sorry you were left in a bad financial situation post break-up. That definitely is not ok. Are you getting any support, either financial or to support your wellbeing? Do you have friends around you?

Best of luck, OP.

I’ve not read the full thread OP and I’m sure someone else has said it but firstly this sometimes happen as they suffer through losing you and realise they neee to commit to the next person. Or they are finally ready for marriage but they weren’t when they were with you.

I think it’s pretty shitty to steal 9 years of a woman’s life when those years are her child bearing years and potentially prevent her ever having children. This poster may not have wanted children but plenty do. This poster was was also at heavy financial disadvantage.

But hey you do you.

Shitty behaviour isn’t just cheating IMHO.

It’s shitty to use somebody as a placeholder - keep them around when you know you have no intention of marrying them.

I can speak from the other side as a man who went through something similar. In my twenties I lived with a woman who wanted marriage, but I wasn’t emotionally ready. The relationship felt pressured or mismatched. Even when she proposed, I still said no. She would have probably waited and hoped for years, but I didn’t let it drag on like in your case. Then I met someone else and within a month I knew she was the right fit. Not because of her age, but because the dynamic was different more compatibility, low‑drama and no pressure. It was the first relationship I entered intentionally, even though we still dated for three years before settling down. Eighteen years later we’re still together and now married with two kids. Sometimes it really is just relationship fit. The earlier relationship felt like mission creep. I was too young to properly articulate what I wanted. If I had gone ahead with marriage or had children back then, I honestly think we would have divorced by now. It hurts, but it’s usually about fit, not your worth. She is now happily married to someone. For women, my advice don’t spend your precious time trying to persuade a man to commit. If marriage is what you want, have the emotional strength to walk away early and move on.

I understand your pain, confusion and anger.

The truth is that: you were not the one for him; he did not want to commit to you. He has now found someone that he wants to commit to.

That is hurtful to you because:
You were committed to him
You viewed him as the one you wanted to spend your life with, acted accordingly and assumed the same
He effectively lied to you because he didn't tell you the truth
This means that he was essentially using you as a "comfort" until the woman that he actually felt able to commit to came along
He didn't make you aware of this decision so he effectively wasted your time, as he knew that you actually were all in
It makes you wonder what she has that you don't etc, which are insecurities or concerns that you probably never had before. Now you find yourself comparing yourself to some random woman which you would not have done before, etc.

There is really nothing more to say other than he treated you extremely unkindly. He is a selfish, self serving individual. He treated you badly. There is no real way to sugar coat it. A man with more integrity, upon realising that you were fully invested when he was not, would have stepped back. Anecdotally speaking, in my experience a lot of men don't have that level of integrity.

You are not wrong to be hurt, confused or angry.

What you can do is focus on yourself now. Cut him off completely - stone dead. Do not allow him any access to your life, and do not give yourself any access to his (social media, etc). Cut him out of your life stone cold - you don't need to see or know or hear about his new relationship, how his life is panning out, what could have been or would have been - stone cold cut off. This person should now be dead to you.

Then. Focus on your own life. What YOU want. Who YOU are. Celebrate yourself and the wonderful qualities you no doubt have. Review the past 9 years without rose-tinted glasses - identify the things you compromised on, things that annoyed you that you accepted, the things that were not as good as you thought they were, the things you ignored, the things you wished for that didn't happen etc

Resolve never to sell yourself short again.

Be intentional about what you want to do next. Do some stuff for yourself that has nothing to do with relationships - just things that make you happy. Take this time to be happy, to love yourself, treat yourself, know yourself and regain hope for yourself.

Your happiness is NOT tied to this timewaster. You are more than this 9 year relationship so find out what this looks like in practicality.

My mum always used to tell me "every pot has it's lid". This was not your lid. That is ok. Re-group and gather yourself. And then, only then, think about finding "your lid".

I am sorry for your hurt. It's horrible.

Sending you a hug. I am not sure why this is always caveated as UnMumsnetty but am sending you a big one.

Quite sad, OP yes. I’d be fuming but it’s pointless, really. Didn’t Simon Cowell do the exact same thing?