Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

This

Strongly disagree.

Nobody mentioned finding “the one”. Finding your person is not saying there is only one person. But she clearly was not his. Nothing wrong with OP. Just not right for him and when he found his person (i.e somebody right for him) he proposed.

Women always want to imagine all the alternative histories when it’s simple: you are not his person. If she was he would not have nearly a decade deciding he did not want to marry her.

I know it may not be much consolation now, but I had something similar. I had to wait a long time, but I finally met someone worth ten times what my ex was. I knew marriage to my ex would have lasted a few years, tops. Now I am with someone who puts me first in everything we do, because he loves me more than anything. It's coming, OP, it's coming to you too. XX

This this this this!!

The different people in that relationship. You will never have the relationship that you had with ex with anyone else. Hopefully your next relationship will be better than that one.

You will drive yourself crazy thinking like this OP. Sometimes it’s not an objective thing you can name. Just a feeling. A feeling he has that makes her more right for him than you. Have there not been men you met in your past who were lovely men but for whatever reason you could not see a long term future with them?

Of course you may not have spent 9 years with them but a lot of men get comfortable with Miss She Will Do as they get regular sex and companionship.

How is it unpleasant to say he did not want marriage with her? He didn’t. If he did he would have proposed.
You seem to think somebody not wanting you is a reflection on you as a person. It’s not.

What you suggest is far more unhelpful as it encourages women to hang around, wasting their time, waiting for a man to be “ready” when he won’t be until a more compatible partner comes along. OP could have saved herself years if she had acted on the principle that he simply does not want marriage with her.

It happened to my friend. They were together 4 years and he would ‘future fake’ and hint at marriage but could never commit. They broke up and within 15 months he was married to someone else.

It sucks a lot because it’s bound to make you think ‘what’s wrong with me?’ But in reality, it’s just that deep down, they weren’t right for each other.

There are ways of saying things, your delivery is awful! Kick a girl while she’s down why don’t you.

She might not have been a placeholder he just grew out of love or wasn’t feeling like it was meant to be forever towards the end.
My partner is my world but if we fell out of love next year I would never class him as a placeholder.

We never stop growing and learning in relationships, sometimes that means we grow out of them.

I'm not trying to be mean here, so please take this in the way it is intended. If you are asking 'What makes one relationship so different from another?' then to me, he probably wasn't the guy for you either, because otherwise you'd know how some relationships 'feel' different, and that is not about earnings or her being younger.

What I mean is, if you've never been bowled over by the feeling of 'this is the man I NEED to spend the rest of my life with', then he probably wasn't the one you Should spend the rest of your life it wasn't reciprocated deep down, that's incredibly sad, but better to go your separate ways so you can both find it.

This is such a good point.

Depending ont he nature of your break up it could be a bit of an eff you as he’d know it’d hurt you and probably thinks by now, what the hell, I’m middle aged and will need someone to put up with my shit long term, I may as well now.

She could have forced his hand, he could have learned from his mistake not marrying you - could be anything. I totally understand your feelings but try to erase the gobshite from your mind. He’s not worthy of you and will probably consider you the one who got away and be trying to contact you when he’s bored and fed up of his wife. FGS block him forever more

He just didn’t want to marry you , sorry it’s shit if that’s what you wanted.

That's a hurtful and totally unnecessary detail to tell you.

I'm sorry, I would be hurt by this too.

I will say some women seem to have the ability, or know the buttons to press to want to make men marry them. My friend had a collection of engagement rings (ok, three) by her mid 20's but it was all a bit superficial.

Well you split up so clearly you weren’t right for each other. Sounds like he knew that long before you did but was selfish and wouldn’t let go.

Commitment isn’t about just being married. It’s about being married to the right person. Their relationship is just different to yours. It doesn’t mean nobody will marry you… just him.

I think people here are a bit harsh on the book/saying “he’s just not that into you.” Its meant to be a kind of Zen Koan that leads you to an enlightened understanding of the relationship.

Economists have this idea of a “revealed preference “ which is often quite different from the evonomic actors stated preferences or goals. Baptists who don’t drink have a “revealed preference “ for alcohol when you look at their habit if driving to a town where they can buy alcohol anonymously.

He’s just not that into you describes men in relationships where their actions (vomiting in your bed, refusing to get married until fictional future events have transpired) undercut or contradict a real love relationship.

Its meant to help the woman (or man) in a relationship with someone who accepts your love/devotion/service but doesn’t repay it with attentive care. Recognize that if this person truly wants you they will move heaven and earth to make you happy and solidify the relationship. So over 9 years OP’s partner kept deferring marriage which she wanted but he didn’t make a plan to get to that destination? Yes that tells us his revealed preference was not to tie himself to her.

The implicit warning of the phrase “he’s just not that into you” is not about you atl— its about him. It says to look hard at how your date or partner acts, nit what he says. His revealed preference emerges from what he does.

I don't see how this promotes waiting for the men for ages.

If something, it says, that some men aren't able to do that growing up until not doing it bits them. Bit them or leave them, it can't be waited out.

As PP pointed out, the idea that so many men find an objectively better fitting partner so quickly is statistically improbable, so a change of attitude on their side must be a part of this.

Similar happened to a friend. They were together for years and split because she wanted kids and he didn’t. Fast forward a year and she was single and he had a kid with his new girlfriend. That stung.

It happened to my dad. He split from his first wide because he wanted children & she didn't (though had originally said she did). They divorced, she remarried and immediately had a baby.

He may be doing it to be a cocklodger with her, who knows

Despite what people tell you , I would bet that she gave him an ultimatum. She is probably telling people that he wanted marriage more. Only they know. It’s probably also just timing and age.

I would have ended that relationship if I were you (and have done so with a dithering man).

You sound lovely but move from the passenger seat to the driving seat of your life.

I also don’t understand the man who has been with my friend for over 35 years but won’t marry her. He was married before (no kids), as was she (one child). Kids had nothing to do with it she wanted the commitment which he just wouldn’t do. He’s almost 70 now, what’s he waiting for?

Meh… I don’t know about all this magnanimous ‘he just wasn’t ready/found someone he did want to commit with’ stuff!

I think it’s pretty rubbish of someone to stay with someone, who they know wants commitment/children etc but who they know they don’t want that with. It screams entitlement and selfishness. I’ve known of women who have lost their child bearing years to idiots like this who then get to have the children they claimed they didn’t want.

If your partner isn’t on the same page as you then you seriously need to recognise that fast and get out no matter how much you believe you love them. It’s just not worth the wasted time.

But surely the change of attitude comes with finding a more suitable partner?