Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

It's not unhelpful to suggest it's probably time & circumstances that are different because most of the time that's what it is.

I just meant the "finding your person" & "finding the one" is nonsense, people hook up with people they happen to meet. They then get on with some more than others plus where they are in life at the time plays a part, there is no such thing as "the one" for anyone.

If they don't propose after a couple of years they are not going to.

People change. Comparing who he is now to who he was then, doesn’t help you. I was ambivalent about children in my late 20’s and now I have one. There were always two people in your relationship and by staying with him, marriage was not a deal breaker for you.

I can understand why it stings but comparing apples with oranges is not a choice that benefits you.

My partner didn't have sex with me for the last 4 years of our marriage. This was just one of the many issues which were discussed at the end of it. When we split he was so desperate to have a relationship that he would have sex with any woman who would have him to try to get them into a relationship very quickly with them. It then made me realise the level of emotional maturity he has. The only thing he could address from the long list from our abusive marriage was the lack of sex (which was framed not just as sex but affection or any type of physical touch) and so he made sure he kept having sex with women to keep them. He didn't keep any of them because he was still the abusive asshole who has the emotional range of a gnat.

Ultimately, he just didn’t want those things with you.

Tale as old as time this

It happens all the time, men who dont want kids then gets a new partner and has 2 kids within a few years.
Same with marriage, its because he loves her more, you were a placeholder and good enough at the time

Engaged isn't married. This happens a lot..I would guess the new person needed anchoring either in his mind or hers.

A friend with a much younger husband told me once "If he doesn't want you, YOU don't want him".

In the midst of heartbreak it's hard to feel the truth in that...if he could let go ...then he isn't worth worrying about. Give all that love you have to yourself ♥️

Or he has aged and can recant all he said before and be a 'different' person with someone new and not look like a hypocritical time wasting fool 🥰

Yes I think this is quite common 😔 when men say they don't see the point of getting married, what they often mean is that they don't see themselves married to you. In which case, you are definitely better off without him, he's not the one for you.

I have a male friend who was (and is) a lovely guy, but struggled to commit in a relationship.

They'd all last about 2 years, and when the woman started bringing up questions about the future, he'd get cold feet and the relationships would invariably end. Until that point, he was a great and loving boyfriend. I'm friends with 2 of these ex girlfriends as I live in quite a small community.

Then suddenly one relationship was different, they married, moved continents to be with her family, had several kids and 15 years on, seem very happy and settled.

I think it was a combination of getting older and his wife just being the right one for him, and then clicking on a level that he hasn't with previous girlfriends.

Those previous girlfriends weren't placeholders, but something was clearly missing that he couldn't necessarily put his finger on, but meant that he didn't want to commit to them at that point

I think this is exactly right - sometimes you just meet someone you click with, all it all feels right.

I know of so many cases like this. It's really common. And often the man says he doesn't want kids, she sadly goes along with it and as soon as it's no longer possible for her, guess what happens.

I am starting to think that it's because a lot of men are quite happy to coast in relationships for as long as they are allowed to. They get the companionship, the sex, the home comforts, and it suits them to leave it at that. They assume that because the woman stays, she's happy with it too. Eventually the issue is forced; she leaves because she wants proper commitment, or she ages out of child bearing, and so now he has to make a change if he's not happy with that. So the next time round he's better primed and finds a woman he is happy to marry... or, now he realises he also can't ever have children if he stays with her, he decides he does want them and off he goes.

I don't think they deliberately run the clock down to ruin her life or break her heart. I think they just have a shallow, self-serving approach to it, and stick about because it works for them, gives them what they want even if they aren't actually in proper lifelong love, and they assume she's happy because she hasn't left.

Oh sorry he’s just a dick in general. He still loves his ex and just married latest partner to keep the peace

It hurts. But you weren't the one for him. Not a reflection on you. Find someone who wants the same as you.

If he wanted to commit to you, he would have done. We're hardwired wrong. We think that someone's afraid of commitment so we wait patiently, when they just don't want that with us. It goes both ways. I didn't want a baby with my ex. I quickly found someone who I thought would make an excellent father and family. Ex may also have felt frustrated, but he just wasn't the one for me.

I don't think you can really ever get to know why he's now getting married, perhaps it's a mix of things? Best not torment yourself though or feel like it was anything you've done, just not 'meant to be'.

There's no promises in any relationships we have, you could've got married and divorced instead which is far messier. Anyway, try to think of the good times you had instead so it didn't feel like a wasted relationship, and know that it came to it's natural end. It's ok, you've still a lot of life to go and lovely people to meet.

Try and make some new friends away from the old crowd if they are too much to be around for the moment, keep smiling and don't let this drag you down. He's not worth it.

If he wanted to commit to you, he would have done. We're hardwired wrong. We think that someone's afraid of commitment so we wait patiently, when they just don't want that with us.

This is so true

This.
It is so painful but the only way is to find other friendship groups through activities you enjoy /especially if they are things be never wanted to try.

Like many people i have been through this. Looking back i wish I had had the self esteem to realise I was just propping up his ego.

Am single since, an adoptive mother and very happy with my life. I am relieved I don't have man baby to placate. But was very much hurt and felt inadequate at the time.

She has something he wants and he is securing it legally. When you were together he had something that he didn't want you to take from him (half his house would be yours if you married and divorced). It's not necessarily a financial gain for him, although you can bet that she has at least equal wealth so he wouldn't lose much if they divorced. It might be something else convenient to him, good connections or something else that isn't obvious from the outside looking in. If it was just that he fell head over heels in love then he would be in a rush to live with her but not necessarily to marry.

This happened to Princess Beatrice. Together for 10 years and they split because they disagreed about marriage. Two years later, he was married to someone else that he got engaged to after just six months.

Its shitty and painful, and unfortunately very common.

Thank you for all the responses. I didn't know it was that common.

I did, repeatedly, ask about getting married. He always found a "when x is sorted" excuse.

What could she have that he might want to rush marriage for? They earn similar; she may make slightly more given her job, but not significantly. She has children, but they are older and out of the small child phase. I know a fair bit, unfortunately. Our hobby is a small community and people talk.

The only thing I can think of is that she is younger than me.

I know I should focus on other things, but this month is a hard one for me in general and having just found out about their engagement a week or so back it's all I can think of. I thought I was over the relationship, but this has brought it all back.

The simple answer is that he didn’t feel about you the way he feels about her.

This.

You were Miss Right Now and never Mrs Right.

You were always a placeholder until he got a better offer.

Look on the brightside that you didn't stay with him any longer and have to deal with an affair and them him leggings it which was always going to happen at some point.

Sucks for you though.