Ex refused marriage after nine years but is now engaged

[Tanaria]

Ex of 9 years never wanted to get married despite knowing how much I wanted to. Things got messy in our relationship and we eventually split.

3 months later he got together with someone else. A year after that, I find out that they are now engaged.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? A partner who is reluctant to commit, only to almost instantly commit with someone else? What makes their relationship so different?

And how did you feel about it all? I'm really struggling to put into words why it is affecting me so much.

I'm sorry you're hurting but this is a silly question. Each relationship is different because the people are different. It hurts to think he didn't love you 'enough' but sadly that's the truth. It doesn't mean this relationship is better than yours was or will necessarily last longer but it's simply different.

Wow, your friends are arseholes.

Ouch - sorry OP that's really tough but sadly it is very common. I've seen it happen a lot - men saying that no they don't want to get married, it's just a piece of paper innit while they're gf/partners nod along repeating yeah it's just a piece of paper

And then, they split up, he meets someone new and they're married very quickly

so now when a man says he doesn't believe in marriage or want to get married, I do usually add on a mental 'to his current gf/partner' to the end. It's just a lot of years of experience of seeing the same thing play out over and over

I suppose I'm at an age now where rebuilding my whole life seems such a huge task. New house, new area (but still close enough that I have to go to the old town I lived in to do things like shopping - I can't really get away. So then I have to avoid places we used to go to, just in case they are there). My family are either dead or live too far away. If I also have to rebuild a new friendship circle it all feels a bit much?

Yes. Not the same length of relationship. But I’ve been with men who wouldn’t commit. I’ve left and they have with the next person they met… I have no wisdom for you but it is very painful. Be gentle with yourself.

I am happily married with a baby on the way now. And I think back now to those relationships and how they really just weren’t right.

I actually found this book really useful https://www.abebooks.co.uk/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=31350190835&dest=GBR&ref_=ps_ggl_23893412863&cm_mmc=ggl--UK_Shopp_Tradestandard--product_id=UK9780349428291NEW-_-keyword=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23889027119&gbraid=0AAAAAD3Y6guGV8Uhj-hUPnmZVmmdg3iYj&gclid=CjwKCAjwhNbTBhB4EiwAsFSg-jBp_N3Vwp_Cb_JOTcETXhxJJLlxGeKbY-jHb1IIXH7oOP2FpAIIGRoCXyMQAvD_BwE
the title is a bit tongue in cheek! 😂

And this https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/attached-book-amir-levine-9781529032178?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23535622723&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAID-Y0mW0KBFF6169QbPpo1p5&gclid=CjwKCAjwhNbTBhB4EiwAsFSg-qg_P48jnvsKlfDkVMdUxVtrUoNzgSkQmlPms7whUTrQNrnOM18DZBoCm3kQAvD_BwE

about how people and relationships fit together.

I am sorry op, I can absolutely understand that is hurtful. My DH didn’t want to marry his long term gf before me and, when we got together, made it clear he’d never marry again. Fine by me, I wasn’t bothered either way. Three years later, he changed his mind and we’ve now been married for decades. Do I think he “loved me more”? No! I think he grew up, changed as a person then changed his mind.

That sounds very painful.

But don't internalise and assume it's a failing on your part, it's not necessarily about you at all.

It's probably more that he's older now and has changed his views on marriage.

He may well regret that he didn't marry you and that he messed that up & has decided he doesn't want to make that mistake again.

Whatever the reason, it doesn't have to mean that what you had with him didn't mean anything or that you are less than this new woman in any way.

I would avoid people who are inclined to "gush" about him & his new relationship & try to focus on yourself.

Take some time to heal & work on yourself and then, if you want a new partner make efforts to find one.
Your next partner might be a better fit for you and be the person you spend the rest of your life with.
It is also possible to make a happy life for yourself as a single person.

Put this man down to experience, think about what you want now & what will make you happy & work on that xx

Oh sweetie, it’s so sad reading your posts. I wish I could install a bit of ‘tiger’ in you! You are still so young, honestly I know it doesn’t feel it but I’d go back to that age in a heartbeat. It’s time to join some new groups. Take up some new hobbies. Find a life away from all of this. Find new friends. Don’t waste another moment lamenting the loss of your relationship. He REALLY isn’t worth it.

FWIW the man who did this to me ended up divorced and alone just a few years later so all the ‘she was so much more of a better fit’ thinking was nonsense.

But it is your duty to pick yourself up, brush yourself down and life a full wonderful life! You can do it!

The friends are nice people in general; they don't gush about them to my face. I see most of it through social media when they are tagged by either of the couple. I suppose I could block those two - that would mean I don't see their posts any more while staying friends with the people I know? But I've seen it before where people do, eventually, choose sides, and I feel pushed out, albeit gently.

That's exactly what I wanted to say, but you have phrased it better than I could!

Was with my ex for six and a half years. We broke up- and he married within six months. They are still together 20 years later....its life unfortunately. Shitty at times but you just have to get on with it

Unfortunately, it's not about commitment as such, but whether the other person wanted to commit to you.

The movie he’s just not that into you is misogynistic shite in my opinion 😂

It does not mean he did not love you it just means he was not ready to be married (to anyone) and he now is. It does not mean anything negative about you

move on to new hobbies and activities and friends and have fun

he may just have realised that his new gf might not hang around unless he shoes he is serious whereas with you there was no pressure for taking the relationship to a different level

you and him were not right for eachother.

I am 'the other woman' in my situation.

My DH had a long term relationship that he split from amicably not long before meeting me. They never lived together, got engaged, or married, despite the long relationship.

Within 2 years of meeting me, we had bought a house together, married and I was pregnant.

I remember asking him why he had never taken any of those steps with his ex. He said that while he loved her and respected her as a person, that he wasn't 'in love' with her. They had just plodded along together and because nothing was fundamentally 'wrong' as such, they stayed together almost out of habit. She had raised moving the relationship along and moving in together and mentioned marriage and it was then that he realised that he didn't want any of those things with her and that she wasn't the right person for him. There was nothing wrong with her. She was, on paper, perfect for him, but that he just didn't feel that she was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He didn't see marriage and children in his future with her. They amicably split and are still friends now.

He met me and we clicked and have been happily married for 25 years.

To be honest I never stopped to think about how his ex felt when we moved in together and married so quickly. But I can imagine she maybe had similar feelings to you at the time.

I think another PP put it well when they said that you were just not meant to go the distance. You were not each others 'person' and that is fine.

It is just a shame for you that he didn't figure this out earlier and allow you to be free to meet someone else.

There is still time for you though, don't lose hope in that.

Honestly I think all this "he just wasn't into you" stuff is really unhelpful and just implies there was something wrong with you.

It's far more likely about him being in a different space and mindset now regarding marriage & being with a person who has made it clear from the outset that it's what they want.
He may marry her and be married to her fir the rest of his life or they may split before the wedding or be divorced within five years.
Who knows?

But just don't see this as because of you not being good enough and feeling bad about yourself, view it as about him making a different decision at a different time in his life - which is probably what it actually boils down to.

Onwards and upwards for you now!

I think sometimes it’s as simple as when one person is keen and pushes it by default the other person just pushes back in the opposite direction as they feel railroaded

I think this is a stark warning for the “marriage is just a piece of paper“ point of view. Marriage at the very least does have the potential tomake separation fairer.

I’m coming to terms with the situation of a friend who I thought was married but isn’t. She’s given up 25 years of her life to look after her partner, who I thought was her husband, and her children. They live in a nice home, he has his own business and they have a comfortable lifestyle. The relationship has completely fallen apart and the two of them hate each other and the children are miserable. The partner owns his own business but will not give her anything at all. Nothing. She cannot afford to leave.

It sounds harsh but honestly he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you or grow old together, marriage or not. Of course relationships are different, some people last two weeks, 2 years, twenty or forever!

Love grows, fades, dies, whatever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to commit to someone forever or changing your mind about marriage after meeting the one.

That (being pushed out) hasn't happened OP, so don't assume that it will in future.
I would block your ex and his new partner so that you don't see posts from or about them, and continue meeting and talking to your friends as normal, accepting that they still like your ex and that although what his behaviour is very painful for you, he hasn't done anything actually wrong. People don't always take sides. I'm still friendly with my best friend's ex husband who I've known as long as I've known her. Perhaps she would prefer me not to be, but I don't talk about him unless she does first and we are still good friends.

Maybe I’m being a bit naive/too optimistic but I don’t think I agree with all the ‘he didn’t love you enough’/‘wasn’t that into you’ posts. Relationships are very different, people grow and change. I had a few relationships before I met my wife and the fact I didn’t marry any of my previous partners doesn’t mean the relationships weren’t worth having. I don’t regret the time I spent loving them. I think it’s possible he loved OP in the way he knew at the time, and that may have changed in a different relationship.
That said, OP, I’m sorry you feel hurt and let down by it, that’s only natural if it’s something you wanted from him. Don’t give up though - my friend binned off her useless husband at 60 and is now happily settled with a lovely partner, there’s no age limit to it.

I can understand how you feel and I've seen it happen to friends and relatives. One partner (usually the man but in one case the woman) "doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids" but then gets married very quickly in the next relationship and then a baby comes along too.

Sometimes I think it is a "placeholder" situation as you suggest while they wait for the one to come along. A former workmate of mine was with her partner 14 years. He "didn't believe in marriage" but was engaged to his next partner within 6 months. Though there can be more to it than that.

My niece was with a guy and they were engaged but their relationship was very volatile. He was very resistant to setting a date. They split, they got back together, for engaged again, same, then split. He married his next partner very quickly. I think he did love niece and did want to marry but I think he had doubts about how turbulent their relationship was. One of my best friends married at the age of 52 to a lovely guy. She'd always said she didn't believe in marriage and hadnt married the father of her kids but admitted more recently that because he had a roving eye she always suspected it wouldn't last and she was right - he did cheat and then leave.

Then as other posters have said, it could be that they don't want to think about marriage when they are "too young" but after a break up realise actually I'm not young any more and it's a different mindset. Plus men who were gorgeous in their youth but are less so as they approach middle age find that they need to offer something more to attract/keep the sort of partner they want. Have seen that happen too with old uni friend (male) who always swore he wouldn't marry or have kids. Found himself single but wanted to date younger pretty women (the old cliche) but didn't get much interest until he became more open to marriage and children. His wife is 15 years younger and very pretty but they married within a year and had a baby a year after that. He realised she wouldn't stick around if he messed her about. He loves being a dad (luckily!) which came as a surprise to him.

It took me a long time with my ex to realise that he’d say/do whatever he thought was necessary to stop his current partner leaving.

He knew marriage wasn’t a deal breaker for me, just something that upset me. It absolutely was for his partner after me so he love bombed and proposed to her very very quickly. He then tried to spin out their engagement but again love bombed and married her when he felt she was ready to leave. With the next one she had her own assets and was very anti marriage so he love bombed her in a different way because it worked.

He’s a manipulative sod and just does what he has to to keep people until his dickhead behaviour makes them finally snap and then he moves onto the next person.

Ive known this happen too. Exactly the same. And like a pp said, the one before the one. but you dont spend 9 years unmarried and financing a house you have no rights to passively. Those are choices you made.

I never understood why women who want commitment and marriage would move in (and even have children) with men who would not give them commitment and marriage.

It does suck though to be where you are now as you have a life to build from scratch. However, that also means you have freedom to do anything you want. What do you actually want for yourself?

Hi OP - hard as this is right now I hope soon you realise that’s absolutely not the case - it can’t be because those were years spent with someone who was a hurtful unkind idiot so by definition they weren’t your best years. Better years are still to come OP - just don’t let his idiot stop you from enjoying them - he’s out of your life and good riddance so don’t let him continue to live in your head!

Unfortunately, it seems that this situation is very common. Ie. An anti-marriage partner then goes on to get married very quickly. I wonder if it’s because they’ve just got comfortable with the existing partner, and see no need, but then with the new partner realise what they have to lose. It must hurt like mad though.

Your friends are awful though, and it’s horrible seeing them lead the life you used to. Time to find some new hobbies, circle of friends etc.

Take time to give yourself some TLC .