My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

You see I think asking this of the OP does indicate that she doesn’t care very much for the OP

No it's completely inappropriate.

ummm we have said the same thing!

It is absolutely okay to not be comfortable with this but I am horrified by some of the responses by PPs about your friend.

We have offered to donate DH’s sperm to our friends when they decide to have a baby (/babies) together, to me it isn’t a hard decision and will make them very happy. They are still in the planning stage but we have all talked at length and we are all happy to go forward with it.

Also, it won’t just be the one pot of jizz she wants. In a couple of years she’ll be needing a sibling for your kids half sister/brother/both if she has twins.

This isn’t asking your husband to be an anonymous donor if you are actively in each other lives. She’s asking to have a child with your husband- regardless of the legal
aspects. It’s beyond crossing a line.

deliberately bad? no. Thoughtless? yes. I mean I can get why, in her circumstances, she didn't properly think it through. The thing is its not something that can be unsaid. The friendship won't be the same.

And what did your husband say??? Have you even told him?

so weird not to have included that nugget of info

Craziness. Scope for it going wrong is huge.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

No, no, no, no.

No. Do not do it. The emotional entanglements are potentially marriage-wrecking.

The worst interpretation of this is that in her grief, she wants what you have @sofia67 - including your husband, and half-siblings of your DC.

Do not do it.

She can pay for donor-conceived fertility treatment; at a reputable clinic, there will be a full medical history and some details of the donor.

DO NOT LET HER DO THIS!

big huge difference is that you offered, they didn't ask.

Ok. Forget all the adults in this scenario and focus on the children.

Your children OP will likely be confused and potentially angry about having a half sibling that doesn’t grow up with them.

I’m struggling to understand why any of the adults might think this is a good idea, so not a snowball in hell’s chance a child would.

As for any potential child how will they feel having been “given away” by their father yet seeing half siblings having a life with their father fully immersed in it? A fully baked recipe for trauma and attachment disorder is a fair summary of the likely outcome.

Will one baby be enough? I doubt it. Agree once and your DH will be expected (and potentially emotionally manipulated) into putting his broth in a turkey baster again and again.

It’s an appalling idea that has no merit at all.

Your friend can of course choose to remain single, but I’d argue that choice also entails her coming to terms with not having a child at all, rather than sourcing a known or unknown sperm donor.

That might be an unpopular opinion, but I believe all children have the right to expect present parents in their life. I appreciate circumstances change beyond people’s control but that’s very different from a starting premise where that’s the plan.

Reality there are so many ways for this to go badly wrong for everyone involved and virtually none for a fairytale ending.

It doesn’t matter what she promises now, even if she believes it, that she won’t have high expectations if your DH and if he is decent person how the hell could he watch his child grow up without his significant involvement (both financial and emotional).

Utterley bonkers, ill conceived (forgive the pun) and even cruel to the children involved.

Nope, nope and nope. She does have feelings for him, and they’re borne out of the tragedy you’ve all experienced with someone you’ve all known since you were children, but her feelings are hers to contend with. Exercising them will be damaging for you and your husband and she’s just in denial. Set a boundary OP - she wants what you’ve got even as it may also be unconscious. Could be conscious though…your husband is still alive. She may be jealous.

No way. This is is way too complicated.

Relationships will be ruined. Don't do this.

Well, that's a genuinely lovely thing for you to think to do. 🥰

But another thought... What happens if she turns out not to be the mum you thought she would be? My friend was anyways absolutely fabulous with children, then had one of her own. Her husband left her and she became a single mum. She just didn't cope, struggled with a child that didn't sleep well, ended up yelling and smacking. Which was almost unbelievable from the woman I had known. Would your husband want to step in? Would he be able to stand and watch his child being screamed at? Not fed or washed properly... I know it seems far fetched and I'm sure you are 100 % sure it would NEVER happen, but believe me, it does!

There are so many ways this could go horribly wrong

Aside from the things already mentioned - what if she becomes penniless for some reason? Would your dh really let his own child be raised in poverty?

What if she finds a new partner and your Dh doesn’t approve of him (maybe the guy is abusive and alcoholic)? Might your dh feel the need to step in to rescue his child?

Oooffffff. I think you felt the knot in your stomach because you as a mother know the intimacy of what she's requesting, even if she doesn't. Creating a life together, seeing them grow, be born, flourish in the world, it makes a bond that is indescribable to people who aren't parents yet.

Are you comfortable with your DH having this experience with another woman? Your best friend? Who will undoubtedly be an upfront fixture in your lives, even if there's no parental responsibility. And best laid plans, how could your DH not love that child? He knows what it's like to be a parent, once he sees that child and the commonalities between him, them and your own DC, how could he not be heartsick to be a father to them?

Gently I would try describe that to her, so she understands it's not just a donation in a cup. It's blood and love and responsibilities and wishes for the future, and so so so messy.

If her husband was one of the friendship group, I see this more as her wanting to make sure she’s always a part of the group and in her mind won’t be left out. She sees what you have and wants that.

I would have an honest conversation on why it’s not a good idea . Even if she wants the do it alone, what if it slips out your husband is the father? How will the child feel to know their siblings had a very different life to them?

Absolutely not.

Surely I am not alone in wondering whether the op has even told her husband this and… what was HIS reaction??

I am in the minority here in that I understand why she has asked. She has lost her husband, you and your husband are family to her, she feels safe with you, and perhaps would like her child to be connected to you all for life.
I don’t think she has done anything terrible by asking. I do think she needs more time to grieve, and that it is really unlikely she will remain single. My (male) friend whose wife died at the same age said exactly the same, that he would remain single. He married again four years later, and then had children.
In your place I would say that I think it’s too soon to be thinking of becoming a mother. Then the rest in the future if she still feels the same, is up to you and your DH.
You would need to look at it from all angles, and ask yourself how you would feel essentially having a stepchild. Maybe that feels ok to you, maybe not. I don’t think there is an obvious right or wrong here whatever you decide.

Children should know where they come from, obviously.

Absolutely not.

Ridiculous idea.

If she gets a sperm donor she can find out their physical characteristics, education, health etc so her reasoning there is ill informed.

This is a very very bad idea.

What does your husband think?

I wouldn’t judge her for asking given the trauma she’s gone through (although it would take me a while to stop feeling weird about it) but the answer would be no. This would change the dynamic of both your friendship and more importantly your marriage forever.

Short answer- No.

Long answer- Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo