My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

No! Her situation is a sad one but if she thinks this is a good idea, she's not doing as well as you might think. It has potential not just to change or end your friendship (which it may do if she resents your refusal or you feel differently towards her asking) but also your whole relationship with your husband, and your children. Think too of the wider family, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

It's just not a good idea at all. Your priority in life has to be your children and I can only see this as confusing and upsetting for them.

Assuming you are in the Uk you can’t just sign papers and waive parental rights in the UK, unless you go through a proper clinic-led process (you can read up on it on hfea) your partner would be the father

And suppose the child is disabled and needs expensive support...

Actually I don't think that it is ok she asked.

She has changed the relationship now, even if it is just subtly. She has asked for something massive that has potential to cause all sorts of mayhem in your relationship. I mean what if OP's DH loves the idea and OP isn't sure, it could cause disruption in the marriage. And refusing might not go down well.

She has massively overstepped and I would be furious with her for asking and distance myself.

Blimey was a crazy idea!

Your husband will be torn with another child around that is biologically his and you will be forever looking over your shoulder in case she makes a play for him.
And the poor children, doesn’t make for a good relationship with any of them.

Hell no! The end. It would change the dynamics of everything and become far too complicated.

I'd actually tell her that as kindly (but firmly) as I could. You aren't comfortable with this and that has to be the end of it.

This is not a good idea from a future child’s pov.

Presumably you and your DH would remain close friends with her, the children growing up together. She would have a life time of lying to her child about its father, OR if she told the truth there would be comparisons: he is a f/t Dad to your kids but not to hers. That child could easily feel like a second class child.

And I can’t even begin to imagine the emotional complexities for your DH.

She is still grieving and in shock and seeking family amongst those she loves and trusts.

But in your shoes, on your DH’s shoes I would have to say no.

this is what you say to her
“no. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I’d say no, way too messy, and she’s only 34 and has ages to find another partner even if she says she doesn’t want one at the moment. It’s only been a year. So sorry this happened to her. But she will find someone else to start a family with. Not ur DH!

Huge difference here. Op and her dh would be equally, symmetrically in inolved and invested.

If dh is the bio father, that introduces drastic asymmetry.

And FFS she's still so young.. Isn't there a chance she will meet another man and want a family with him in the next 5 years or so.

I wonder how that prospective partner might feel about what he was getting into with your dh also in the picture? Vs either a donor child or no child at all?

v bad idea, for your oh in particular
i get the appeal of kids but its selfish to deliberately deny kids their mum or dad

hard no from me. Prob would have been a hard no from my late husband too.

And yes, really unfair on all the children here.

What does your husband think?

What if something incredibly tragic happened to your two DC and you and your DH weren’t able to have any more of your own, would she then share?

I agree totally.

No, this wouldn't be ok for me.

The reason people use anonymous donors is so the child isn't under the father's nose all the time, with him having to keep quiet about parenting decisions etc.

Where friendship works outside a romantic relationship is where the father does actually want to be part of the child's life but without the sexual relationship with the mother. In other words, where two friends - with no other children involved - decide to parent together.

You don't want your DH raising a child with another woman, so it's a no.

No way would I agree to this.
Even if you thought it was all planned perfectly everything could change when she was pregnant or when the baby was here.

Yes I tend to agree as well.

I feel sorry for her that she has got that desperate, for want of a better word, because she must know it's an overstep.

She is very young to rule out ever wanting a romantic relationship ever

No one has done a single thing wrong. However, it doesn’t feel right, therefore the answer is no. I wouldn’t tell your husband if I were you and I would ask friend not to as well, I don’t think men handle these things well and get weird thoughts about it all. You don’t need that.

Incredibly bad idea.

She's still mourning. Not the time to bring a children into the world, much less an IVF baby, much less your BF's husband baby. She needs therapy.

No, just no. It would be your DH's child. Any children you have would be half-siblings.

That’s a no from me also. That child would be half your husband whether you liked it or but, and no doubt he’d want a say in their upbringing and/or even pay for them.

If this is not a troll thread, then don’t pursue this conversation.

She may trust you but I wouldn't be understanding of or flattered by her request. Having trust in someone doesn't mean you ask them to father your child. It's a completely inappropriate request, and I'd look at her differently for thinking this is something you even think about asking of your married friends.