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Original poster

My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

373 replies

sofia67 · 04/08/2026 17:56

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

OP posts:
Aabbcc1235 · 04/08/2026 19:00

I disagree with a lot of posters here, in that I don’t think it is inappropriate to ask - DH is her long time friend - and I think it’s a huge testimant to how she thinks of you both that she has asked.

That doesn’t mean that saying yes is the right answer, for you or DH or the two of you as a couple. But I think that you should give it the respect it deserves by discussing it properly.

Caniweartheseones · 04/08/2026 19:01

At first it’s a bit shocking but I can see the beauty of keeping the people who knew and loved her and her husband so close through having a baby with them. Like a bubble of the past. But it’s not a plan for the future. She sadly didn’t have a baby with her husband and she never can, which is tragic, but needs to be eventually faced.

In order to keep your relationships in their healthiest forms (which wouldn’t prevent you from being a wonderful caring family to experience her motherhood with her), you will need to keep boundaries very strong around your biological offspring. They will be half siblings to your children.

She feels she knows your husband but if there’s one thing mumsnet can teach you is that you never really know anyone, much as you may love them and they you.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 04/08/2026 19:03

sofia67 · 04/08/2026 18:22

If she had kids, regardless of who the sperm donor was, and she died, I would adopt the child. I'm telling you I would do it.

Show quote history

IMO In "sliding doors world" this is one of the cleaner "simple" scenarios with a "nice outcome"

You had a visceral reaction for a reason.

Theres a billion men out there she does not need your husbands sperm.

TheBossOfMe · 04/08/2026 19:03

Isn’t the issue that effectively half siblings will grow up together? It’s a different dynamic. He’ll effectively be the child’s parent married to a different woman.

MandemChickenShop · 04/08/2026 19:03

does not sound like a good idea. not taking the piss, it sort of sound like. Harlan Coben story set up

SodThisHeadache · 04/08/2026 19:03

No, this is utterly irrational and fraught with complications. It would alter my perception of her that she's even asked. Life isn't a Chick-Lit novel.

"She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities".

So then you'd have to have nothing more to do with her, or does she think your husband could have no feelings towards his child? And her child no questions about his or her father? If so she's chosen the wrong man.

Madness, and I agree with others that she's not in a good enough state to have a child on her own

Aabbcc1235 · 04/08/2026 19:04

I’d also add here that in my opinion, if you were to say yes, the only way that you could do it would be openly and honestly.

A lot of these responses are around “what if it slips out” but that is a risk which could totally be mitigated by being honest with all of the kids right from the beginning.

NameChangeAgain48 · 04/08/2026 19:04

If she had your husbands child your children would be siblings. They would need to know they are siblings if they are in close contact. You dont want your kid accidentally having relations with their siblings. Realistically,no one knows how they will feel after. They relationship dynamic will be forever changed. You dont know if that would be for the worse or the better. I think she was unfair to ask.

FOJN · 04/08/2026 19:05

I don't think your friend is well. I don't say that flippantly or as an insult. This is such a bad idea with so much potential for complications. No child should ever intentionally be born into such a complex situation.

How could your husband not be involved? Is she planning to have his baby and not tell the child who the father is? What happens if the child finds out when they are older and realises his mum's best friends husband is their father but never involved himself in their life? Can you imagine the hurt that would cause?

Please just say no.

BestZebbie · 04/08/2026 19:05

Aabbcc1235 · 04/08/2026 19:04

I’d also add here that in my opinion, if you were to say yes, the only way that you could do it would be openly and honestly.

A lot of these responses are around “what if it slips out” but that is a risk which could totally be mitigated by being honest with all of the kids right from the beginning.

And the grandparents, as they would get to hear too - would DHs parents be distressed at the idea of having another grandchild who they are forbidden from having a relationship with? Would they pass any of that distress onto your own children or put pressure on your DH?

Atchamps · 04/08/2026 19:05

It is the sort of thing that if very close friends knew I desperately wanted a baby and had no intention of finding a man to do that with… then I would think that if they wanted to be my sperm donor they would offer.

In the absence of any such offer, I would presume they do not wish to be my sperm donor. And so wouldn’t bloody ask!!!

NoisyUmberBalonz · 04/08/2026 19:06

I've seen some bad ideas in here, this is up there. Absolutely not.

Theworldsgonemadagain · 04/08/2026 19:07

No use needs a sperm donor, they do check medical history of donors.

Atchamps · 04/08/2026 19:08

HideousKinky · 04/08/2026 19:00

This is a very very bad idea.

What does your husband think?

One would think the op would tell us this in the op!

grumpygrape · 04/08/2026 19:08

sofia67 · 04/08/2026 17:56

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

I think this calls for a serious, face to face, discussion between the two of you (plus your husband if he is already aware of the question) where all the pros and cons and possible future issues are considered. I believe nowadays children of sperm donors have the right to find their fathers and you must take that into consideration. I sincerely hope your friend is not suggesting a ‘turkey baster’ style of donation.

She may be prepared to sign away financial rights but does she have the moral or legal right to sign away other of your husband’s rights and responsibilities, especially if they impact on the child(ren)’s rights.

I think the issue of your husband seeing any child(ren) growing up and what they and your own children are told is key.

I know of a family where a woman’s sister carried the sister and her husband’s child as a surrogate and they were receiving support from, I think, Children’s Social Services especially as the couple had to adopt the child and the surrogate ‘mother’ had to agree to the legal consequences. They had agreed that the child would be told about the role their auntie had in their birth at an age-appropriate stage. Not the same scenario but things to consider.

I would suggest not rushing into any decision and find out if there are any professionals who can provide support. Definitely don't rush into any action either.

godmum56 · 04/08/2026 19:08

MabelAnderson · 04/08/2026 18:58

I am in the minority here in that I understand why she has asked. She has lost her husband, you and your husband are family to her, she feels safe with you, and perhaps would like her child to be connected to you all for life.
I don’t think she has done anything terrible by asking. I do think she needs more time to grieve, and that it is really unlikely she will remain single. My (male) friend whose wife died at the same age said exactly the same, that he would remain single. He married again four years later, and then had children.
In your place I would say that I think it’s too soon to be thinking of becoming a mother. Then the rest in the future if she still feels the same, is up to you and your DH.
You would need to look at it from all angles, and ask yourself how you would feel essentially having a stepchild. Maybe that feels ok to you, maybe not. I don’t think there is an obvious right or wrong here whatever you decide.

Children should know where they come from, obviously.

I agree with everything you have said and still think its a bad idea and her asking has changed things for good

BeaLola · 04/08/2026 19:09

No, just no

Sweetbeansandmochi · 04/08/2026 19:10

This is one of these things where your friend is too close to the idea to see how bad it is in reality.

Please gently decline for everyone’s sakes.

I also in a non-woo way predict she will be happy with a new husband and child in a few years time and she will be glad this was not pursued.

FIoorboard · 04/08/2026 19:10

No is a full sentence

Flot · 04/08/2026 19:11

Weird - because you presumably see her quite a bit and so your children would actually be half siblings. Muddy I think.

godmum56 · 04/08/2026 19:11

grumpygrape · 04/08/2026 19:08

I think this calls for a serious, face to face, discussion between the two of you (plus your husband if he is already aware of the question) where all the pros and cons and possible future issues are considered. I believe nowadays children of sperm donors have the right to find their fathers and you must take that into consideration. I sincerely hope your friend is not suggesting a ‘turkey baster’ style of donation.

She may be prepared to sign away financial rights but does she have the moral or legal right to sign away other of your husband’s rights and responsibilities, especially if they impact on the child(ren)’s rights.

I think the issue of your husband seeing any child(ren) growing up and what they and your own children are told is key.

I know of a family where a woman’s sister carried the sister and her husband’s child as a surrogate and they were receiving support from, I think, Children’s Social Services especially as the couple had to adopt the child and the surrogate ‘mother’ had to agree to the legal consequences. They had agreed that the child would be told about the role their auntie had in their birth at an age-appropriate stage. Not the same scenario but things to consider.

I would suggest not rushing into any decision and find out if there are any professionals who can provide support. Definitely don't rush into any action either.

Show quote history

I think all of this only needs to happen if there is any possibilty at all of the OP's saying yes.

SodThisHeadache · 04/08/2026 19:12

Are men who are married and have children already allowed to donate sperm via a legitimate sperm bank? I don't think so, and for very good reason.

Anyahyacinth · 04/08/2026 19:12

Isn't properly medically advised sperm donor care ..health and genetically screened in a way your husbands sperm would not be?

Jollyhockeystickss · 04/08/2026 19:13

Until the child is a teenager and asks who their dad is and finds uncle mike is their birth father! The teenager wont be messed up at all and your friend will meet someone and how will he feel knowing her male friend is the birth father and also even tho she says shes doing it alone everyone could fall out and she could ask for maintenance, and your husband WILL be in this childs life he could even find himself having feelings for this woman and lastly it will destroy your friendship, 2am her ringing your husband saying i cant cope the babies crying, and what about when your kids and her kid find out their siblings, i mean seriously

Awkwardisfunny · 04/08/2026 19:14

sofia67 · 04/08/2026 17:56

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Totally inappropriate. I get you don't want to end the friendship but if a friend of mine ever asked me this, I'd tell them I needed a break to reflect on why she thought I'd be okay with that question.

No, you can not have a child with my partner, just because yours died.

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