My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Hmm. Tricky. On the one hand it would be nice for her kids to have a known donor, and therefore a greater sense of identity. But on the other hand, inevitably that will come with the kids thinking of your DP as their Dad.

She can't not tell the kids who their father is, it will come out eventually e.g. if the kids do genealogy DNA tests in the future. But it seems a lot to ask of the kids to understand that the man they see regularly is just their biological father and not their Dad.

No, terrible idea

No. She is never been like that....Trust me when I say she never have anht romantic feelings towards my husband

That's good to hear because on the face of it, this bonkers request could be cover for a pregnancy that came of an affair

Hard no. Doesn't matter what papers she signs, there will be huge emotional complications. This child will be your husband's child. Just think that whenever she visits you or speaks about the baby, or shows you photos it will be of your husband's baby. I guarantee that your friendship won't last and god knows what might get into the head of your husband.

You're better than me, I would be on the floor with her if a friend DARE ask me that.

She's an absolute weirdo and not right in the head, get rid of her

Friends of ours, a lesbian couple asked us, together, if DH would consider being their sperm donor -- we were childfree. It was a hard no from us both, but neither of us resented them asking. We both felt strongly that if a child of DH's was going to exist, we wanted it to exist with us as its parents.

Why? It's not exactly an unheard of request. I mean, the friend isn't asking the OP if she can shag her husband.

Fine if you don't mind your children having a half sibling that your DH will likely love as much as them.

Asking a trusted male friend for sperm is not offensive. Talking to your good friend who is his wife first is a reasonable first step.

It is a huge ask though and either you or your husband are completely justified if you don’t want to agree.

i personally would not. I think it is a better favor asked of someone not actively in your life anymore. Maybe an old friend from university. Someone you see regularly is far too complicated.

Children are not commodities to be procured to fulfil a wish. They are living breathing human beings. You’ve already listed this persons mental health issues. Add a child conceived for convenience and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

As terrible ideas go, this one is right up there.

She's your best friend, and her child would be your dc's half brother/sister. Your husband would be its father. I really can't see any way on earth that you could all remain close friends with that elephant in the room.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

shes your best friend so you will see her often I presume. Your DH will have an interest in the child whether he has legal responsibilities or not. Down the line she could change her mind and come after him for child support. How will the child feel, growing up knowing your DH as Mummy's friend, then later finding out (as it's inevitable) that he's their father? Just such a bad idea and so much could go wrong.

Just looking at worse case scenario. What happens if your friend becomes incapacitated or worse, dies? Will you be happy to take in your husband's child?

I’d argue that a secret shag is far more preferable than a lifetime of parenthood. Imagine if the resultant child had a serious illness, a genetic disease or some other condition. How would the father feel?

In an ideal world you would say Yes, be Godparents and your children would know the truth.

Only you can make that decision.
Personally, I'm not sure I could say Yes, but it would be beautiful and I'd admire anyone that could.

It would be a nope from me. I get her reasons for not having an anonymous sperm donor, but she needs to pick someone she’s less entwined with. Assuming you stay friends (and there’s a huge risk that could be wrecked with a complex situation like this), you, your dh and your kids will be around the child who will be your children’s biological sibling and your dh’s child. There is no way of predicting how that will play out for you all emotionally. She has other options and she needs explore them!

A good and more than adequate summary OP.

Keep it simple, like above, nip it in the bud straight away. She has to find another way and no hard feelings for having asked.

Hard no. Sometimes life is shit. I'm sorry her husband died. She needs to go the anonymous route just like everyone else. This is an insane overstep. I'm boggled she asked. It actually makes me quite angry. She can fuck off tbh.

If she had kids, regardless of who the sperm donor was, and she died, I would adopt the child. I'm telling you I would do it.

That would be a hard no from me . He will,always know it is his child and would have feelings towards the child , as might you .
I know someone who has artificial insemination at a clinic somewhere in Europe .
She had his medical records so knew all the info she needed plus his characteristics , whether he is sporty , plus his height , weight & hair colour , ethnicity etc .
Tell her she needs to do this .

I think its ok for her to ask, and her reasons for doing so are valid.

It is absolutely ok for you and your DH to say no, if you aren't comfortable, but personally I hope you'll consider it.

Look at it this way, if she'd been pregnant when her husband died, and had his baby, you and DH would be totally involved in that child's life wouldn't you. You would be its godparents/secular equivalent thereof. Your DH would be a father figure in the absence of the sadly deceased father.

Within this what-would-have-been, your DH making this donation would be a kind thing that he could do for his friend, and I think it wouldn't be that weird.

But of course, only if he wants to and you wouldn't want to veto.

Wow, what a request! Feel for her, must be devastating to be widowed at such young age , but this is, IMO, too much of an ask for all involved

Asking for your friends husband spunk to get you pregnant is a totally weird thing to do

She is clearly not doing well if she can even think of this! Hugely selfish /the child is being used as a prop to help her through her grief.
Can’t imagine how this would mess up the heads of your own children and her potential child. Really offensive suggestion /your husband must be absolutely horrified.